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...it doesn't mean they're not after you. Is Rebecca right to fear Cheryl?

The German philosopher Baron Friedrich Wilhelm Christian Karl Ferdinand Freiherr von Humboldt (Basil to his mates) was a bright old herr. In introducing his essay 'Sphere and Duties of Government', he emphasised one central idea - "the absolute and essential importance of human development in its richest diversity."

Fine words, and a theory which thanks to John Stuart Mill, has stood humankind in pretty good stead ever since. Until now. Until the appalling manipulation of the British population over the weekend, that contrived to remove the mightily diverse Wagner from our screens. Two thrust out Cowell is it? I'll give you two thrust right in that .

Savage editing and having to sing early made a mockery of the show's claims to neutrality. Like the 2010 General Election, the will of the people was largely ignored. Nevertheless, the X Factor still managed to dominate the tabloid headlines this week. Apparently, wikileak revelations have suggested that Cheryl Cole is set to become a judge on American X Factor. Or something like that - we're busy people and don't have time to read the papers properly.

How will this affect her in the UK? Well there are rumours that she may be banned from judging in the States because she was once judged unfavourably here for punching a black woman in the head. Hey, but it was a long time ago. Forgive and forget. You can always get another head.

If she is banned however, the ensuing tsunami of sympathy may be enough to make the 4.6 on her emerging as winning mentor an absolute shoo-in.

Enough of the judges - let's focus on the main contenders. Rebecca - she who sings like a Siamese cat with soul - has been overheard muttering conspiracy theories about Cher Lloyd being groomed for superstardom, whilst she's left alone to sing in front of a mirror in the bogs. Apparently Cheryl spends far more time with the spindly little rapping urchin. Rebecca is however 1.29 to beat Cher et al and finish top 'girl'.

Rebecca's paranoia isn't being helped by Simon repeatedly telling her that she looks nervous on stage. On the positive side however, addled RnB junkie Amy Winehouse has apparently vowed to write a song for her. Acutally, does that qualify as a positive?

Meanwhile, Harry from One Direction has committed the cardinal sin of taking a lover whilst on the show. According to various reports (FT, Economist, WSJ etc), he has been steamrollering her backstage or something. This could cause a hysterical backlash from angry female One Direction fans who are probably regretting getting "Harry Forever" tattoed in 'that' area of their lower backs.


By Eliot Pollak

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