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DoubleAgent, Lazza, Mopey, Joel & TeenQueen 2018 End of Year Reunion Thread.
DoubleAgent, Lazza, Mopey, Joel & TeenQueen 2018 End of Year Reunion Thread.
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6.
When I enter the lounge I see the Mouse studying my bookshelves for the umpteenth time. She says,'You've got about twenty books by Elmore Leonard.Is he any good?' Like as though I'd have 20 books of an author I hated!! So I say,'he's brilliant. Greatest writer of humorous crime fiction ever. Great characters. The man is a legend. Quite a few of his books have been made into movies. Have you seen Get Shorty?' 'No.' 'Jackie Brown?' 'No.' 'Life Of Crime?' 'No.' I have a sudden inspiration! I grab a handful of Elmore Leonards and say,'hey you can take these with you if you like. It's an allniter job once you get started.' She took them then sat back down. DAMN! She says,'when you were a journalist working at a magazine what was the best bit?' Oh fckk. Not this again. We've had this discussion a hundred times. I said,'the part I liked best was having an expense account. Those were the days.' I got a beer out of the fridge in the loungeroom and sat down and cranked back the recliner. Fckk it I may as well enjoy myself. 'I remember some pencil neck geek coming from the accounts department brandishing a swathe of chits.'What does this mean? he demanded. I read it out and said,'It's self explanatory. "Taxi there.And back. $150." If you can't understand that mate you should hand in your degree. Fckk off now you're stifling my literary creativity. I'm trying to decide between "BAZOOKAS" or "MASSIVE MAMMARYS".' It's not as though I don't like the Mouse. I do. She's a really sweet person. It's just that I have stuff to do. The races are on. I'm busy. She never understands that. At this moment I feel like picking her up and throwing her outside so I can get on with it. But something stops me. And that something is a little bit of flesh I can see. The Mouse has on a skirt and she has her legs crossed and I can see the underside of her thighs and just the hint of her undies.Now the Mouse is a fairly plain girl with no sex appeal at all but she does have a couple of things in her favour. She eats like a sparrow and as a consequence has a flat tummy and a perky butt. She also doesn't mind putting out if it suits her. She may be dumb but I'm fairly sure she knew what I was looking at. The Mouse is a bit of a bore and mostly unattractive but like any animal she knows how to make the most of what she's got. We have had a fairly half hearted sexual relationship now for a while. It would appear that it's always at my request but in fact that is not the case. The Mouse always initiates it in some small way. She's had very little experience over the years. The mindless brutes that inhabit Waterloo have largely ignored her. But some cunning instinct kicks in. If she thinks I want her to go home and she doesn't want to go home she can start doing things to change my mind. Bending over to look at the books on the bottom shelf for example. Saying she has an itch and asking me to scratch it for her that happens to be near her bottom. She is a fairly terrible sexual partner. She is quite happy to put out but without any enthusiasm or reciprocal enjoyment. She sometimes jerks me off while she watches TV. She gives about the worst BJs I've ever had. But I think HEY,at my age I should be grateful a woman in her 20s will give us a suck. I remember one time fckking her with me on top. I was really getting into pounding away and nearing climax when I heard the sounds of masticating in my ear. I stopped and looked at the Mouse. She was chewing away and absorbed in reading a Fantales wrapper. She said,'Hey have you ever heard of an actor called Henry Fonda?'I rolled off and grabbed a beer. She said,'can't you finish? You shouldn't have had that last bottle of champagne.' Yeah ok.' So I'm desperate for Mouse to go home. I've got a Special today at Hawkesbury. I still haven't read Henryluca's latest on the sports algorithm plus there's a cold beer in the fridge. If only I could stop looking at that undimpled,non cellulite smooth underside of the thigh of the Mouse! |
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8.
The Mouse can see I'm wavering. She knows I don't like her hanging around of an arvo but she doesn't want to go home and who could blame her. She lives with her maniac of a mother who can barely go a week without publicly brawling with whatever man is stupid enough to go near her. So Mouse plays her trump card. The bottom shelf. It's an oldie but a goodie. She keeps her legs straight and bends over at the waist affording me a glorious view of her little rear end. I immediately feel a stirring in my trackie daks. I've forgotten all about the first at Hawkesbury. I go over and lift her skirt revealing a very average pair of old undies. I scrunch them up and put them in her crack to give the appearance of a g-string. The Mouse makes no reaction she just continues her inane prattle. 'I see you've got a few books by George Eliot. Is he any good?' Yes and it's not he it's a she.' 'But his name's George.' My hands are roaming all over the exquisite white bottom of the Mouse and I'm barely listening to her. 'It's a pseudonym.' 'What's that?' The trackie daks are off in an instant and I'm rubbing the Spear all over. This is heaven! If only she'd shut up! I'm dry humping her in the crack and go to remove the undies in order to take this to next level. Suddenly she stands up straight and turns around and says,'sorry I can't do that today I'm on my period.' FCKKK!! Seeing my disappointment and fearing it might mean her imminent eviction she says,'I'll give you a suck if you like?' I don't like. Call me crazy but there is logic to that. I looked over at SKY and see it's only seven minutes to the first and I'm planning on having a big go on something I like. The Mouse is so bad at BJs it will take me 20 minutes at least to come. I was beginning to deflate when I felt the light touch of the Mouse on my manhood. 'What about a handjob?' she asks while her little fingers were doing their work. Fckk it this has GOT to be done! I race into the bedroom and grab some lube and race back and sit in the chair. The Mouse kneels in front of me and sets to work. I swear my d1ck looks bigger in her hands. Six minutes to start time. No problem this won't take long at all. The Mouse however cares not one bit for the emergency nature of the situation. She starts to talk. 'When are you going to start writing again? I'd love to be here when you're creating something. It's been years. You really should start again.' I reply,'actually I bumped into a mate down the pub this morning he wants me to write again for the Betfair Forum. I think I might just do that.' As soon as I said it I knew I had made a catastrophic error. The Mouse squealed in delight and leapt to her feet.'That's fantastic. I can't believe it. Can I help? (she WAS helping very much now she's NOT helping at all) The Betfair Forum. It sounds so grand. Is it a place where distinguished writers display their latest works?' 'Yeah something like that. Not really. It's just a bit of fun. Just something to read between races.' I nod at my c0ck and start waving it around to indicate that we have unfinished business here. She kneels back down and and does a pitiful job while talking constantly about my new career on the Betfair Forum. This is all going to sh1t. Two minutes to start time. I make a decision. 'Just stop there a minute Mouse. I'll do you a deal. Get this job done properly (pointing at my nob) that means no talking no stopping just stroking. When it's done I promise we'll get to work straight away on making something for the Forum.Deal?' I've never seen the Mouse so keen on c0ck! Both hands working like crazy and a look of grim determination on her face. I felt myself approaching the promised land but something wasn't quite right. I kept looking over at SKY and knew I wasn't going to get my bet on. Plus I was worried about my rash promise to write something for the Forum. Write what? I've got no ideas. Nothing. The truth is Kamikazee Drinking Machine can wipe the floor with me. And the Mouse would be no help at all. Just then the Mouse stopped stroking and started rummaging in her bag. What is this idiot doing now? Her hand came out with a packet of Mentos and she popped one in her mouth. 'Want one?' No doubt she could tell the answer from my face. Also my deflating member told it's own tale. There's an old saying. When the going gets tough the tough get going. The Mouse stepped up. With one slippery little hand pumping furiously she bent her head and started licking the ballsack. Now this was more like it!! My head went back and I let out an involuntary moan.That tongue work was amazing. I didn't know the Mouse had it in her. I looked over at SKY and saw the horse I was going to back two lengths clear and travelling nicely about 400 out. I didn't care. Fckk it. I'm in heaven. I think I'm in love. I looked down adoringly at the Mouse as she relentlessly pumped away. Then it got better. Somehow the Mouse fitted my entire ballsack in her mouth. I nearly jumped out of the chair! And guess what else? The horse I didn't back got swamped 20 metres out and didn't run a place!!! Then the Mouse somehow knew I was about to blow and stopped the ballsack treatment and instead stuck her mouth over my nob. My pelvis thrust forward all on it's own as I bucked out a most intense orgasm with the Mouse bravely hanging on. FCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I slumped back in the chair feeling like I'd just run aroun the block. I was in a daze. The Mouse was having none of it. A promise is a promise. 'Come on get up. You've got work to do.' 'Work? I've always hated that word. What work?' 'The Betfair Forum? Remember? You've got to write something. WE'VE got to write something. Let's do it.' Oh Fcckkkk....... |
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9.
Mrs Streicher entered the room and literally caught me with my pants down.'Good Lord' she cried and turned away only to see the frightened Mouse,her hands shiney with lube clutching onto some used tissues. 'This is disgusting. Not only do you turn my home into a gambling den not to mention your non stop drinking now you've made it a bordello. I'm calling the police!' and she stomped off. I stood to pull up my trackie daks and looked out the window to see a familiar figure outside. He was upending the last drops from a stubby of VB before placing the empty bottle on top of Mrs Streicher's front fence. She won't like that. Now he pushed open the gate and headed for the front door. Oh fckk no. It's the Ferret. I ask Mouse to open the door while I do a quick scan of the room to make sure there's nothing laying around that might somehow find itself in Ferret's pocket. I can hear Ferret at the door.'I know you. You're Mouse.I know your Mum.' Ferret is dressed today much like any other day. A dirty ancient Souths woollen beanie on top of his head. Chopstick arms poking through a threadbare t-shirt which is tucked into tiny nylon Souths rugby league shorts revealing a great expanse of his skinny white hairless legs. Big W runners complete the ensemble. He gives me a smile which I wish he hadn't. Ferret is clearly a stranger to the dentist as he is to soap and water and good living in general. A life of drink, drugs,minor criminal activity and long periods of idleness have taken their toll. I wonder why on earth he is here. He gets straight to the point. 'Owyergoin'Spear? Just thought I'd pop in to give you that $20 I owe you.' I was flabbergasted. For a start it was a lot more than 20 and just the fact that Ferret has come here and voluntarily offered me cash is beyond comprehension. Clearly he is up to something. 'That's very nice of you Ferret. Very nice. It'll come in handy too.' Ferret digs a crisp new 20 out from somewhere and hands it over though I do notice a look of extreme reluctance. I wonder if it's Centrelink day. I'm not sure what day it is actually. Just then Mrs Streicher storms back in for round 2 and her eyes open wide at the sight of the Ferret. 'What's going on here? More gambling,drinking and fornication!' while she looks accusingly at Ferret. Ferret looks nonplussed 'What? Fornication? ...Eh?' Mrs S continued,'Now it's a den of thieves. Filling my house with criminals.' 'Who you calling a criminal? I done nothing wrong. Just come here to see me old mate Spear now some old bag is calling me a criminal.' 'I know you Ferret. You've done time. You've got a criminal record. That makes you a criminal. I'm calling the Police!' Ferret looked alarmed and ready to leg it so I said 'don't worry about her Ferret she always says that.' Ferret adopted that whining tone of the permanently aggrieved. 'Jeez I just come here to give a bloke a 20,doing a good deed and I get called a criminal and threatened with the Police. Makes you wonder what the worlds coming to. Makes a man a bit thirsty too.' He looks meaningfully at the barfridge in the corner. 'You want a beer Ferret? I'll get us one. Take a seat and tell us what this is about.' He sits down in the old recliner,the one I don't use anymore and takes a long swig. 'I seen Mr Digby today and he said you've got a special today at Hawkesbury. Reckoned you'd got it wrong that he thought it was a lay. That's why I come round hoping you might want to share. You got a good record with your specials.' I replied 'didn't Digby tell you what it was?' 'Nah mate. Fat cnnt tells me nuthin.' Fckkin hell. It was flattering I suppose. The Ferret willing to part with a 20 to find out my special. He must have a lot more somewhere. What I need to do is be there when or if he collects so I can get the rest of the money he owes me. I didn't mind telling him the special. I would've told him for free! 'What price do you reckon it'll be? He asks. 'Probably $3 or $4' Sweet. 'It's Hilarious Honour in the 6th at Hawkesbury. I can't see it losing.' Ferret smiles his rancid smile,takes a sip of his beer then leans down to pull the lever for the recliner. |
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10.
'FERRET NO!!!' Too late! It's the broken recliner that I don't use anymore. The backrest shot bacwards with alarming velocity all the way to the carpet behind upending the Ferret like a tip truck upending a load of gravel! The Ferret let out a yelp as he slid off the shiney old leather backwards upside down and head first into the lap of Mrs Streicher's old cat who was stretched out enjoying some winter sun streaming through the windows. The cat, aptly named Blood, has a demeanour very much like her owner and was ballistic with white hot rage at this sudden attack. Blood let out such a loud demented bellicose roar of anger that the Mouse squealed in fear. He then set about landing a succession of left and rights to Ferret's head with such ferocity that Mike Tyson would have been proud. The Ferret howled in confusion and terror. Luckily Ferret's beanie took most of the punishment and Blood continued to attack the beanie until it was dislodged from Ferret's head. Suddenly he stopped. I think he realised he'd been fighting a hat and now turned and walked to the door in embarrasment. He stopped at the doorway to give me a reproachful look. I wondered if we would still be friends. I helped the Ferret to his feet and apologised profusely. His beanie was a mess as was his hair. He was kind of dazed I'm not sure he fully understood what just happened but he soon recovered his composure. His second beer hardly touched the sides and he was soon feeling much better. He sat back down looking like his old self. Horrible and ugly. He looked around the room and nodded approvingly. 'Nice setup you got here Spoon. Got your Skychannel on. And your books. Nice TV. Let me know if you're looking to upgrade that. Get you one for a nice price. Got your computer there. Get sick of the races you can watch all that internet porn eh? He started chuckling and sneaked a furtive glance at the Mouse. She looked back with barely concealed contempt. Ferret was used to that. That's how everybody looks at him. 'I can see you're a real professional Spear.I respect that.' I basked in these flattering words. The Ferret was not such a bad bloke when you got to know him. I felt a bit sorry for him. Sitting there with blood trickling from various scratches on his head. Years of abusing pharmaceuticals had left Ferret almost numb so he probably didn't even notice it. I was getting a bit of a beer buzz myself,plus I knew that as soon as Ferret left the Mouse would want me to start writing something for the Betfair Forum. 'How about one for the road? 'Don't mind if I do'. The Ferret took the beer and had a long slurp. 'Aaaaaahh that's lovely'. He sat back in the chair and reached down for the lever. 'FERRET NOOOO!!!!' |
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I HASTEN to add this is a copy and paste job of the legendary Burning Spear's work from 2015.
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Party Boys - Hold Your Head Up ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hroG6zWQbdo&list=PLYyyBLvlpTHMWYycydS8fNyIegdYUSolb&index=18
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Ringo Starr - Photograph - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGuPfCD9kdk
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Great stuff BS
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Just read it again. Great stuff.
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I had some Fred the other day in Nelson Bay. Lovely beer.
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Who's Fred?
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His picture on the bottle is a good likeness of me at 3am.
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Now that I know what you look like, I'll keep an eye out for you when I am in Sydney
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I'll be the one on the right holding the one on the left.
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OK see you in a couple of weeks
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Did All High or Whiskers turn up for this?
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No.
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What about bigted, whoopi, or that Spoon dude
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I've SMASHED sales records for the BOOZATORIUM this Xmas. They've decided not to bother unloading the Brewery Truck there they just send it over to my house. My ass is in a terrible state though. I've got about $5000 worth of return and earn bottles and cans in the backyard but I'm too p1ssed to take them to the joint that I take them to. I hope I'm not doing any damage to my liver. I remember one time being at the doctor place and the doctor (who btw was an Indian. Actually every doctor seems to be an Indian these days) and she asked if I drank. I'm not a fan of answering impertinent and highly personal questions from someone I just met so I OBFUSCATED.
Doctor: Do you ever drink alcohol? Kamikazee: CERTAINLY NOT!! What is being implied here? Alcohol is for Alcoholics. I only ever drink Beer. Doctor: Beer is an alcoholic drink. Kamikazee: I don't think so. Maybe a bit. I dunno. I just like it. Doctor: So how many beers would drink a day? I knew it would get to this. These health professional cxnts that look like sh1t probing into my private life to report back to the government and use my visit for vicious gossip with their doctor mates. I was onto this lark. I knew I had to make my BEER consumption seem as modest as possible while not making it so small that she didn't believe me. Check. Mate. Kamikazee: Oh not much. Only about 15 a day. (Her eyes widened-she doesn't believe me!) Oh and usually a bottle of champagne. You know...just the cheap stuff. Doctor: (taking a moment to compose herself). So you drink 15 beers and a bottle of champagne a day? Kamikazee: Cheap champagne. Sparkling wine to be precise. Doctor: I'm speechless. Kamikazee: (She doesn't believe me. I knew this would happen. What kind of limp wristed noodle armed loser only drinks 15 beers a day?) I have a lot more on weekends. Doctor: More on weekends? How is that possible? Kamikazee: Easy. Loads more on weekends. And weekdays too. 15 is a conservative estimate if I'm honest. (Ah fxck it she's not my Mum) Doctor: You must have liver disease. Kamikazee: NUH!! Sorry  Doctor: Well we're going to have some tests. This is unbelievable. This kind of alcohol consumption is suicidal. You're going to have to go in a program. Kamikazee: What program? There's some good sorts on Home and Away can I go on that? Doctor: Are you intoxicated now? Kamikazee: Define INTOXICATED!!! |
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I had an Indian Doctor once who was also very annoying.
When was your last liver test? |
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The good ol days lolz
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what
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Hes on 1st lolz
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what's the go here?
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