DoubleAgent, Lazza, Mopey, Joel & TeenQueen 2018 End of Year Reunion Thread.

HondoLomboHanoveLobell, BurningSpear, Kamikazee Drinking Machine, Lady Darlinghurst, MistyCue and of course any other nickname invented by the ever-creative minds of TQ & DA also invited.

Anyone go any cash?

What I went to Melbourne a few months ago, I caught the train down to Cranbourne one Sunday afternoon and walked the three or so kilometres from the station, through the shopping centre, past some sort of racing club not associated with the actual racetrack and then into the ****g racecourse. Melbourne has more bookies believe it or not for provincial meetings than Sydney does, nevertheless, it was still crappy that only 6 bookies were there that day.

I don't judge people, but I am judged myself - a lot. I'm judged by people who don't see trans people very often, and so I don't often put myself in situations where I know I'll be judged. But the races is one of the places where people do judge me, and I feel very much on the outer there these days despite loving the game like nothing else. So just being there, which is not very often these days, puts me on edge. It makes me look at everyone wondering where the next distasteful is coming from.

I feel a desperate need to JUDGE some people. Don't know why. Not sure what is involved in JUDGING but I'm willing to give it a crack.

Is it like I see some old ancient Chinese woman sitting on the lounge in Westfields dismantling her jaw so her old brown teeth can be picked at her by her fingernails so maybe I can make some kind of JUDGEMENT?

Three great CHOONS there btw.

Major pissed is fine you cccccutn

you ****g idiot

Chris, you contact me and I'll stop the idiot ****. Let's have A AFNK DRING YOU NUMBSKUL

Sounds like a PH@G*OT.

Was it good?

I hate small people. Whenever I see a small person I never fail to point out to them how loathsome they are. I'm talking Anglo Saxons here obviously. If I had to stop every Chinese fxcker I see at the shops to point out how small they are and as a consequence I despise them then I'd never get to the BOOZATORIUM.

Where's Teen Queen?

Lightweight.

I see TQ mention Lazza in her opening thingy. He was a fxckin LEGEND. An All Time Great Forumite.

Me. WTF?

Yes, I wonder if he is still alive

I never knew that.

I can't find it. It was one of Burning Spear's best efforts. He details a week he spent under Mark Read's bed accompanied by Laythefav. I did however find a thread where Burning Spear worked for Let's Elope. It's not as good as the Laythefav post but it's still pretty good. Although you have to know Let's Elope to fully appreciate it.



BurningSpear 11 Mar 12 11:05 Joined: 28 Jun 11 | Topic/replies: 577 | Blogger: BurningSpear's blog



I'll tell you about the worst job I ever 'ad. Years ago I was working as a punting consultant. I ran a service where I advised punters on how they might improve their gambling skills. It was interesting stuff and I met many good people.

One day a punter called 'Lets Elope' approached me for some advice and I was happy to help.He explained that he was the greatest punter since Pittsburgh Phil,the greatest handicapper of horses in Australia,the number one expert on harness racing that ever lived,the nation's foremost video analyst and was unbeaten at table tennis since Gough Whitlam's dismissal.
I told him maybe he should help me if he's that good but he was insistent. He explained that despite his god like gifts he still needed some guidance.

I met him in his palatial one room bedsit above a sex shop and we got to work. He had trouble with odds. 6/4 13/8 7/4 left him completely bewildered to the point of breaking out into tortured sobs of frustration in the betting ring. He would clench his tiny fists and rush headlong at the nearest bookie just hoping he was getting the best odds. It was a pitiful sight.

At first we made good progress. But soon his headstrong character began to take over. He was convinced that Gammalite was a far superior pacer to Popular Alm and would back him as though there was no tomorrow.
One time he was so convinced that Gammalite would beat Poppy he went into a massive fit when I suggested it was unlikely. Grabbing hold of a passing toddler he pummelled the frightened child while his hysterical mother jumped on his back,screaming,with Lets Elope chanting 'Gammalite Gammalite Gammalite'.
When we went to the track that night Lets was strapped to a trolley,a hockey mask on,and off limits to the betting ring.
It was only by these extreme measures that I could prevent him from going into bankruptcy.

The day Dandy Andy beat Vo Rogue was the final straw. Lets had begged borrowed and stole to raise a stake to back Vo Rogue at 1/2. When the champ got beat and Lets lost $17 he went ballistic. I ran for my life from the enraged midget. When he calmed down he said he backed Dandy Andy. I said no you didn't. He said yes I did. He went on to explain how obvious it was to back Dandy Andy,that he had rated Dandy at 1/2 and Vo Rogue 50/1 and anyone who couldn't see that was an idiot. He went into a dreamlike state, explaining calmly that he was the best punter in Australia that's why he backed DA.

I slowly backed out of the room,careful not to make any sudden movements,and left him to a career of aftertiming.

2.


I needed to strangle a darky so I headed over to Maccas on Mcevoy St. I considered using the bogs at Waterloo Oval but these days I am vary wary about using public conveniences. Not long ago I entered the bogs at Erskineville Oval and was confronted by a Naked and Very Excited Member of the Punters Show asking me if I'd like a Free Tip, so these days I stay clear of such places. By the time I got to Maccas the urge had gone so I just made do with helping myself to a copy of the Daily Telegraph and pushing over a bin in the carpark so the Kelpie could get some scraps.

I walked up the road to the Cauliflower. This is the pub I go to when I want to remain incognito. I had some Profound Thinking to do,plus a formguide,and didn't want to be disturbed by any of Waterloo's best. No one knows me at the Cauli so I'll be safe. I stepped and oh fxckk me. "SPEAR YOU DOG CNTT!! COULDN'T SPARE A DOLLAR MATE?' Slack Betty was straight onto me. Fortunately I keep a supply of gold coins for these pests. As I handed over a couple to the ingrate I said to him,'You know,Slack Betty,you've been asking me for a dollar for the last 25 years. Haven't you heard of inflation? You should put your price up.' He looked at me with a mixture of disinerest and incomprehension and said 'Eh?' Nevermind.

I got a schooie of Tooheys Old and settled into some serious form study. It was 11am. I estimated if I had 2 or 3 beers I'd have time to read the form and get back to check on the progress of the greatest thread in the history of threads. HenryLuka. That cntt is gonna make me RICH,man,RICH!!. As soon as I figure out what he's talking about it's the Pink Cadillac for the Spear. I have every faith in the man.

Absorbed in the details of race 3 at Hawkesbury I heard a great bellow of "SPEAR YOU CNNT OF A MAN!!" and turned around in alarm to be confronted with the unmistakable GUT of "Mr Digby" so named because of a massive win he had on the neddy when it beat Vo Rogue. His stupendous girth hung several inches over his straining belt and bore so heavily against his shirtfront that the buttons looked ready to pop and wild belly hair escaped from the gaps between. I quickly looked away. There was no hope of escape.  Mr Digby pulled a chair away from the table,wisely a considerable distance, and sat down heavily with much groaning and heavy breathing.  'You like anything today Spear?' he asked. 'Hilarious Honour in the sixth at Hawkesbury looks good.'  'No chance Spear. Lay of the day in my opinion. Disperse will sh1t that in.'  As Bridget Jones used to say-Note To Self. Double your bet on HH and lay Disperse. Mr Digby hasn't backed a winner since Mr Digby and that was in 1987 or something. Fat cnnt.

The fat cnnt returned to the table with a lovely schooie of Tooheys Old for me AND a glass of cheap champagne. He must want something. 'What's this for? ' He goes,'What? Can't a mate buy his mate a drink? Even if it is a very gay drink. Just drink it.' So I do. And then I say 'come on. Out with it. If you think I'm going to drive you to Orange to find the one girl in Australia who was dumb enough to have sex with you back in 1989 then forget it. We tried finding her once. Never again. She'd  be an old bag by now anyway Digby. Just get over it.'  He put up his hands and said,'No mate nothing like that. Though by the way I hear she's living in Lithgow now. Not so far eh?' He must have seen my thunderous expression because he hurried on. 'No it's do with the Betfair Forum. Me and some of the other Lurkers were wondering when you might make a return? The place hasn't been the same without you. Nowadays it's all this sh1t about Mongolia. Who gives a fxckk about Mongolia? If I ever go to Latin America you can be sure Mongolia wouldn't even be in the first ten countries I'd go to. I mean,the Forum could really do with you help Spear. You were a Legend on that place. Remember your thread on "The Worst Jobs You Ever Had" where you and Laythefav spent a week under Mark Read's bed? We miss that stuff.' I was feeling very smug at this moment. I took a long sip of Black and basked in the Digby's adulation. I indicated that he should continue in a similar vein. 'Of course Double Agent was the Main Man. Jeez he knew the Forum business. Real professional he was. Me and the boys always agree he was the Champion Of The Forum.' Mr Digby beamed at me still glowing with reminisence. I on the other hand found myself suddenly exploding my schooner across the table in OUTRIGHT INDIGNATION. I was on my feet bearing down on the alarmed Mr Digby and shouting,'DOUBLE AGENT?? DOUBLE AGENT!!?? ARE YOU FCKKING KIDDING ME?? That no talent piece of SH!T he STOLE ALL my good ideas. The WORLD OF DOUBLE AGENT? Remember that? Remember the Champion's Famous Thread?'  Mr Digby was looking up and nodding in fear. 'That was MY IDEA. I told that CNTT I was starting a thread called THe World Of Burning Spear and outlined to him what I envisaged. He said it was SH1T and not to waste my time. A week later he's out there with WODA. WTF is WODA?? WOBS would've been way cooler. It's got a ring to it. WOBS. WOBS.WOBS....' I sat back and finished my beer.

Mr Digby tried again. 'Well I was just thinking,you know,maybe you could come back and make a few contributions. Give us something to read other than Mongols and AFL. Kamikazee Drinking Machine's been doing a good job,he's got some good stuff and he's been putting in the yards since Double Agent went on holiday and maybe.....' his voice trailed off as my laughing got louder and LOUDER!!  'Kamikazee Drinking Machine?? You can't be serious. The man is a CLOWN. And an ALCOHOLIC. He never posts until he's had 15 beers. ( Neither do you I heard Digby mumble but I chose to ignore it). His threads are ludicrous. Classic OZ Choons. He's so bourgeois. He's so straight. Straighty Mcstraight.  He's a Lightweight. A nonentity. He is no challenge at all. I SPIT ON HIM!!'

Mr Digby was trying to sneak off into the pokies lounge but I collared him and pushed my face up against his. 'Let me tell you something else Digby. Your little hero,your Champion, Double Agent isn't on holidays you DUMB CNTT!! He's gone. He ain't coming back. And you know why? Because I GOT RID OF HIM!!! That's right! Me! BURNING SPEAR!!!!!!How do you like that eh??!!!'

I laughed all the way back to the bar and got another schooie. Now,where was I? That's right. Hawkesbury.

5.

One thing Mrs Streicher was right about was her description of the Mouse. The Mouse is a little petite thing in her late 20s with lank mouse coloured hair that has never been touched by a stylist,small breasted,small hipped,plain faced,a self effacing shy socially inept woman with aspirations to a literary career. She has worked for Australia Post sorting mail at night since she left school. It is her literary interests that has led her to Burning Spear,a man of letters by Waterloo standards. She is in awe of my past achievements such as working for Picture magazine and can't get enough of my stories and anecdotes. She is quite an avid listener and extremely gullible and believes any ludicrous tale I tell while I'm knocking back a bottle or two of Seaview. One time when she came around she said 'My Mum said you were full of sh1t that there's no way Mick Jagger invited you on stage to sing Gimme Shelter for while he went to the toilet.' Fcking hell I didn't remember that one! I told her that these stories were private and I only told her because she was special and I didn't like the idea of her repeating them to her Mum. She liked that.

Did I say she was special? Well she is. She's about the dumbest human being I've ever met. I think the Kelpie that now follows me around has a higher IQ. I'll give you an example. One day she was at my place while I was watching the races on TV. She is one of those people that think because they have nothing to do then you must have nothing to do as well. She looked at the TV and the coversation went like this.

Mouse: So who is racing? The horse or the man riding it?

Me: They both are. He's a jockey.

Mouse: So if they win does the jockey win or the horse?

Me: They both win, they're like a team.

Mouse: But why do they race? Do they get a prize?

Me: They win money if they win.

Mouse: But who gets the money? The horse or the jockey?

(By now my blood pressure is rising alarmingly)

Me: The jocky gets some money and the owner gets the rest.

Mouse: Someone owns the jockey?

Me: No someone owns the horse.

Mouse: But that's not fair. If the owner gets the money then he should be in the race too.

Me: That's a good point and well made. I'll raise that at the next Annual General Meeting of the Australian Jockey Club.

This seemed to please her. Very early on a conversation like this would make my brain explode and I'd start screaming and swearing. But the crestfallen face of the Mouse followed by her silent tears would make me feel like I just kicked a puppy so nowadays I find it easier if I just change the subject.