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I had a fever
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i eye i
have
become
comfortably numb
great when choofing on a bong or 3
have
become
comfortably numb
great when choofing on a bong or 3
Has anyone actually had hands that felt like two balloons?
When I was a child I used to play with my stiffy in the bathtub. So did my sister.
How dare you! What is being implied here??!!!
Back in the late 60s or early 70s a fat child sat on the footpath outside his house quietly weeping. He was wearing no pants,and has never had any reasonable explanation for this. A great length of snot hung from his left nostril to almost the ground. From inside the house could be heard the unmistakable sounds of domestic violence. A woman shrieking,glass smashing and the sickening thud of someone 'walking into a door'. A man dashed out of the house,stopped briefly to look down at his ugly son sitting on the footpath,before running away. He too,just like his son,was blubbering like a girl. He also had a temporarily misshapen skull from where his wife had just clocked him with a full bottle of Tooths KB.
Just then a kindly passerby passed by. He was a hideously deformed man of excruciating ugliness, except for his perfectly formed bald dome which he obviously kept well polished. Upon seeing the fat child crying on the footpath he stopped in alarm. He noticed the lad had no pants on and quickly looked around for any sign of the Elephant. He bent forward to the boy and said,'What's up mate? Why you crying?' The boy replied,'My Mums a Monster she beats my Pappy and makes him cry and run away.' 'Jeez that's no good. Why haven't you got any pants on?' 'I have no satisfactory explanation for that'. The bald man was thinking WTF??!! Then he said to the boy 'My name's Da Judge. What's yours?' The boy sniffed up his great length of snot and said,'I'm EarlyCrow. Can you be my new Pappy Mr Judge?' The bald man laughed and said 'Sure son,why not. How about you go and put some pants on and we'll go the the TAB.' 'What's the TAB Mr Judge?' 'It's a place where dreams come true son.'
'Oh goody!'
Just then a kindly passerby passed by. He was a hideously deformed man of excruciating ugliness, except for his perfectly formed bald dome which he obviously kept well polished. Upon seeing the fat child crying on the footpath he stopped in alarm. He noticed the lad had no pants on and quickly looked around for any sign of the Elephant. He bent forward to the boy and said,'What's up mate? Why you crying?' The boy replied,'My Mums a Monster she beats my Pappy and makes him cry and run away.' 'Jeez that's no good. Why haven't you got any pants on?' 'I have no satisfactory explanation for that'. The bald man was thinking WTF??!! Then he said to the boy 'My name's Da Judge. What's yours?' The boy sniffed up his great length of snot and said,'I'm EarlyCrow. Can you be my new Pappy Mr Judge?' The bald man laughed and said 'Sure son,why not. How about you go and put some pants on and we'll go the the TAB.' 'What's the TAB Mr Judge?' 'It's a place where dreams come true son.'
'Oh goody!'
When I was seventeen,
I drank some very good beer,
I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake ID,
My name was Brian McGee,
I stayed up listening to Queen,
When I was seventeen.
I drank some very good beer,
I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake ID,
My name was Brian McGee,
I stayed up listening to Queen,
When I was seventeen.
When I was a kid mum would give me $2 to go to the store.I'd come back with milk,bread,potatoes,rice,fruit,lemonade and lollies.You can't do that today....f'king security cameras.
I only send my kids to the shop when I want to throw a leg over
Da Judge took the hand of the young EarlyCrow and they walked to the shops. Along the way EarlyCrow asked dozens of ludicrous questions. Da Judge wondered if the boy was retarded but tried his best to answer each one in good humour. They stopped outside the Railway Hotel and Da Judge told EarlyCrow to wait outside while he went in to attend to some business. But the boy started panicking. 'My Mummy says only Bad People go into hotels. You're not one of the Bad People are you Mr Judge?' 'No no.Of course not. Don't be silly.' So they headed off the the TAB.
Inside the TAB the young EarlyCrow stuck close to Da Judge. There were many strange people inside,he was sure some of them were the Bad People his mother had warned him about. There was much shouting and screaming while the races were on and the lad was a little frightened. However like any good temporary father Da Judge did his best to interest the lad in the world of gambling. He showed him the formguides and talked him through every aspect of the sport of kings. EarlyCrow lost his early trepidation and became transfixed by the spectacle. Da Judge spotted the lad $10 and with a bit of help he assisted him in backing a few winners. The strange characters inside the TAB no longer terrified him. Even when a man of dubious origins went into a violent frenzy at his horse losing by a nose and threw a can of KB through the television set he joined in the mighty cheer of 'HeyHEEEEYYYYYYYY' that followed,and joined in the laughter as the peeved punter made his escape.
The afternoon went in a joyous blur. Da Judge showing the boy the form,making selections,cheering on their horses and occasionally winning. The boy noticed that nearly everyone in the TAB knew Da Judge and came to him to chat or to seek advice. He was proud when Da Judge told them that he was his son. Most looked surprised at this news. The boy also noticed that nearly everyone continually went outside and came back in shortly after. Da Judge explained that they went next door the the Railway to have a beer. EarlyCrow didn't like beer. That was what his Mummy drank when she bashed his pappy.
Just then EarlyCrow saw amongst the dregs and deadbeats that infested Da Judge's local TAB an individual in a most shocking state. He tugged on his Mentor's sleeve and pointed. 'Look Mr Judge,that man is doing a wee wee on the floor of the TAB'. Da Judge looked over in disgust. Then the man turned around. Oh SH1T!
'Fkking hell' said Da Judge. 'It's RUSHINPULSE!!!'
'Pappy??? said EarlyCrow. 'What are you doing here Pappy?!!'
Inside the TAB the young EarlyCrow stuck close to Da Judge. There were many strange people inside,he was sure some of them were the Bad People his mother had warned him about. There was much shouting and screaming while the races were on and the lad was a little frightened. However like any good temporary father Da Judge did his best to interest the lad in the world of gambling. He showed him the formguides and talked him through every aspect of the sport of kings. EarlyCrow lost his early trepidation and became transfixed by the spectacle. Da Judge spotted the lad $10 and with a bit of help he assisted him in backing a few winners. The strange characters inside the TAB no longer terrified him. Even when a man of dubious origins went into a violent frenzy at his horse losing by a nose and threw a can of KB through the television set he joined in the mighty cheer of 'HeyHEEEEYYYYYYYY' that followed,and joined in the laughter as the peeved punter made his escape.
The afternoon went in a joyous blur. Da Judge showing the boy the form,making selections,cheering on their horses and occasionally winning. The boy noticed that nearly everyone in the TAB knew Da Judge and came to him to chat or to seek advice. He was proud when Da Judge told them that he was his son. Most looked surprised at this news. The boy also noticed that nearly everyone continually went outside and came back in shortly after. Da Judge explained that they went next door the the Railway to have a beer. EarlyCrow didn't like beer. That was what his Mummy drank when she bashed his pappy.
Just then EarlyCrow saw amongst the dregs and deadbeats that infested Da Judge's local TAB an individual in a most shocking state. He tugged on his Mentor's sleeve and pointed. 'Look Mr Judge,that man is doing a wee wee on the floor of the TAB'. Da Judge looked over in disgust. Then the man turned around. Oh SH1T!
'Fkking hell' said Da Judge. 'It's RUSHINPULSE!!!'
'Pappy??? said EarlyCrow. 'What are you doing here Pappy?!!'
Upon seeing the pair Rushinpulse dropped to the floor and lay prostrate,crying and beseeching. Everyone turned away in disgust. Even EarlyCrow could not bear to see his father like that. He turned to Da Judge and said,'Mr Da Judge,my new Pappy, can you take me to the Railway Hotel now?' 'Sure son. It's only Toowoomba on now anyway.That's for desperates'.
But before they could leave Rushinpulse jumped up and blocked their path.'Don't go until I can explain. Please!!' Ok. 'EarlyCrow,son,your Mummy doesn't bash me because she drinks too much beer. She bashes me because I haven't backed a winner since 1926.And that was an accident. I haven't actually tipped a winner since the Spring of 1917. She HATES me for being such a loser. And for spewing on her cat one time. She won't let that one go either. Whatever you do son don't get mixed up in punting. It'll kill you. It's in your genes to be a loser. I'm a loser and so was your GrandPappy,LayTheFav,God rest his soul,he was a loser too. I'm begging you son stay off the punt'.
Exhausted by this monologue the pathetic figure of Rushinpulse dropped back to the floor. EarlyCrow and his new Pappy,Da Judge,looked down on him in disgust. The lad had just turned $10 into $92 in one afternoon. He was feeling on top of the world. Invincible.
'I'm nothing like you' he said. And to his new Pappy he said 'let's go'.
Moments later the eight year old boy was enjoying his first ever schooner at the Railway Hotel.
But before they could leave Rushinpulse jumped up and blocked their path.'Don't go until I can explain. Please!!' Ok. 'EarlyCrow,son,your Mummy doesn't bash me because she drinks too much beer. She bashes me because I haven't backed a winner since 1926.And that was an accident. I haven't actually tipped a winner since the Spring of 1917. She HATES me for being such a loser. And for spewing on her cat one time. She won't let that one go either. Whatever you do son don't get mixed up in punting. It'll kill you. It's in your genes to be a loser. I'm a loser and so was your GrandPappy,LayTheFav,God rest his soul,he was a loser too. I'm begging you son stay off the punt'.
Exhausted by this monologue the pathetic figure of Rushinpulse dropped back to the floor. EarlyCrow and his new Pappy,Da Judge,looked down on him in disgust. The lad had just turned $10 into $92 in one afternoon. He was feeling on top of the world. Invincible.
'I'm nothing like you' he said. And to his new Pappy he said 'let's go'.
Moments later the eight year old boy was enjoying his first ever schooner at the Railway Hotel.
Moments after finishing his very first schooner the young EarlyCrow vomited spectacularly all over the floor of the Railway Hotel. The publican raced over and angrily remonstrated with Da Judge. 'FFS Judge. How old is this bloke?' 'I dunno. About eight.' 'Well I must say I'm very surprised at you Judge. I thought you had more sense. I can't believe you let an eight year old boy drink a schooner. From now on he sticks to middies.' And so the new father and son enjoyed a few middies without further incident.
On leaving the pub EarlyCrow noticed the TAB was still open. 'I thought the races were over Mr Judge.' 'The real races are over. Trots are on at night.' 'What's the trots?' 'There's no easy way to say this son. The trots is the lowest form of gambling sport known to mankind. An industry so corrupt,the participants so totally without morals or scruples,the crowds (what's left of them) all living miles below the poverty line. I can't bear to even think of it'. 'Can we just have a quick look Mr Judge?' 'Sure son'.
They sneaked into the TAB and took up a position behind a few large artificial pot plants that the manager had installed so that those punters that owed money to various other punters could remain incognito. Here they observed a large group of trots punters.Da Judge knew their identities but preferred to keep a safe distance away. In his experience you could never have a conversation with a trots punter without them asking to borrow money.
EarlyCrow was surprised at the size of trots punters. They were all at least 20 stone. Track pants and runners from Big W seemed to be the fashion. One particularly stylish man was wearing a pair of Dunlop Volleys. Another man was in a wheelchair which confused the boy since he kept jumping up and shouting or occasionally slapping people. 'Who are these people Mr Judge?' 'Well,you got Lloydy Trots Man,Aussie Driver,Village Kid,Elsu,that really ugly one I forget his name. Then there's Khan and the Master and those two there are Trotman and Trotlover.' 'What's the difference?' 'Fkkked if I know.' 'Who's the gay looking one?' 'That's Craig The Speculator.'
Another thing that struck EarlyCrow was the amount of shouting the trots punters did. At the end of every race they all shouted BOOM and BOOOOOOOM and BBBBOOOOOMMMMM and BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM along with HAMBURGER WITH THE LOT. EarlyCrow assumed they were backing winners but he noticed none of them ever went to the window to collect their winnings. Da Judge explained 'They never back winners they just tell everyone they do and argue constantly and scream a lot. I think we better get out of here. See them looking around? They can smell the banknotes in our pockets. Time to go.'
Outside EarlyCrow asked 'Where we going now Mr Judge?' 'We're going home now son. Back to my Chambers.'
On leaving the pub EarlyCrow noticed the TAB was still open. 'I thought the races were over Mr Judge.' 'The real races are over. Trots are on at night.' 'What's the trots?' 'There's no easy way to say this son. The trots is the lowest form of gambling sport known to mankind. An industry so corrupt,the participants so totally without morals or scruples,the crowds (what's left of them) all living miles below the poverty line. I can't bear to even think of it'. 'Can we just have a quick look Mr Judge?' 'Sure son'.
They sneaked into the TAB and took up a position behind a few large artificial pot plants that the manager had installed so that those punters that owed money to various other punters could remain incognito. Here they observed a large group of trots punters.Da Judge knew their identities but preferred to keep a safe distance away. In his experience you could never have a conversation with a trots punter without them asking to borrow money.
EarlyCrow was surprised at the size of trots punters. They were all at least 20 stone. Track pants and runners from Big W seemed to be the fashion. One particularly stylish man was wearing a pair of Dunlop Volleys. Another man was in a wheelchair which confused the boy since he kept jumping up and shouting or occasionally slapping people. 'Who are these people Mr Judge?' 'Well,you got Lloydy Trots Man,Aussie Driver,Village Kid,Elsu,that really ugly one I forget his name. Then there's Khan and the Master and those two there are Trotman and Trotlover.' 'What's the difference?' 'Fkkked if I know.' 'Who's the gay looking one?' 'That's Craig The Speculator.'
Another thing that struck EarlyCrow was the amount of shouting the trots punters did. At the end of every race they all shouted BOOM and BOOOOOOOM and BBBBOOOOOMMMMM and BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM along with HAMBURGER WITH THE LOT. EarlyCrow assumed they were backing winners but he noticed none of them ever went to the window to collect their winnings. Da Judge explained 'They never back winners they just tell everyone they do and argue constantly and scream a lot. I think we better get out of here. See them looking around? They can smell the banknotes in our pockets. Time to go.'
Outside EarlyCrow asked 'Where we going now Mr Judge?' 'We're going home now son. Back to my Chambers.'
They walked a short distance to a large but rundown looking terrace house. 'Time to meet the gang' said Da Judge. He led the way down the hall and opened a door on his left. 'This is the nerve centre', he said. EarlyCrow looked in wonder at a room full of TV's and computers,paperwork scattered everywhere and rows and rows of filing cabinets and shelves. He heard a strange noise and looked up in alarm. Crouching on top of the curtains was a wild looking beast,grinning manically and occasionally growling. Da Judge picked up a broom and started poking the creature.' GET DOWN YOU IDIOT YOU'RE SCARING THE CHILD. CHRIST YOU STINK!! HOW LONG SINCE YOU SHOWERED?' But the animal ran around and got up on the top shelf. Da Judge turned to the frightened boy and said 'You'll have to excuse my friend son. He's not usually like this. He gets like this when he's been studying form non stop for 72 hours. He won't hurt you.' EarlyCrow was trembling when he asked,'Is he a monster?' 'No son of course not. Monsters can't do form.' 'But he's so hairy.' 'He's Turkish. They're all like that.' 'What's his name?' 'SEA THE STARS'.
I'm sure that Tyre Kicker, Gardenstar & Juzzybee would have been amongst the trot punters at the TAB
They exited the nerve centre and walked into the lounge room where EarlyCrow saw a very tall blonde woman of indeterminate age. He couldn't help but exclaim 'CHRIST THEMS BIG TI....' before Da Judge clamped a hand over his mouth and said 'this is TeenQueen. TeenQueen this is my new son EarlyCrow.' TQ said,'you haven't got a son. Did you abduct this child?' 'That's not important right now. EarlyCrow will be staying with us at the Chambers.' EarlyCrow asked,'Miss TeenQueen are you my new Mummy??' TQ exploded in righteous anger. 'How dare you label me with your hateful gender stereotypes!? I will not be your slave. Already at such a young age you've been brainwashed by ultra conservative hetero normative notions of gender superiority. You reek of fascism. You are probably not even aware that over 80% of the population is gender confused. Are you??'
Da Judge tried to calm the situation.' For fkkks sake TQ give the boy a break. It's his first day.' TQ exploded in righteous anger.Again. 'Boy? Boy? How do you know he's a boy? Have you conducted an optical or physical examination of the genitalia?' 'Not as such no.' replied Da Judge,'that's not my bag baby.' 'I'll have to do it myself. It's almost certain that his penis is an enlarged clitoris.' TQ started tugging at EarlyCrow's shorts until Da Judge wrestled her away. As Judge dragged her down the hall she continued,' Crow,do you like the movie Mamma Mia? Do you watch Will and Grace? Do you ever wear your Mum's pantyhose? I've got some blusher that will really bring out the colour of your eyes!'
Later on EarlyCrow ventured out into the small courtyard at the rear of the house. There he saw a man sitting in the lotus position,wearing a dress,enveloped in a great cloud of smoke. He went back inside and asked TQ,'Miss TeenQueen there's a man in the yard wearing a dress. Is he one of those Sexual Emissions you were telling me about?' 'No child he's just a STUPID FKKKING HIPPY WEARING A KAFTAN!! His name's Logroller. He still thinks it's 1969. Stay away from him otherwise you'll be getting all Harold and Kumar on us.' 'Ok.'
Later on EarlyCrow was feeling a bit peckish. Maybe a vegemite sandwich would hit the spot,he mused. And a peanut butter one as well. And a whole BBQ chicken. And some garlic roast potatoes. And some coleslaw. And some dim sims. Maybe a 600ml of chocolate milk to wash it down. Preferably Oak. He couldn't think who to ask. Pappy Judge and Sea The Stars were bust punting. Kaftan man looked like he didn't know anything. There was only Miss TeenQueen even though he was a bit afraid to ask. He was looking for her when he ran into Da Judge in the kitchen. 'Where's Miss TeenQueen,'he asked. 'Let me show you,'said Judge.
They walked down the hall then down some stairs and down another hall. Da Judge produced a key and opened the door. Inside EarlyCrow saw a vast array of black patent leather straps and chrome chains from floor to ceiling with various pulleys and other mechanisms. At the centre of all this was TQ,tied up and immobile,her mouth gagged.
EarlyCrow asked,'Why is Miss TeenQueen all tied up?'
'TQ is a wonderful erudite and entertaining member of the Chambers with a vast knowledge of racing but we've found that on raceday it's best to keep her restrained. The last time she was loose she got the passwords and had 378 bets in less than 45 seconds and wiped out the accounts. We've got no choice.'
'Why is she all bent over with her bottom sticking up in the air?'
'That's the most comfortable position for her.'
'Why has she got no clothes on?'
'Didn't you say you were hungry? Let's go to Pokeron's for a BBQ chicken.Extra chicken salt.'
Da Judge tried to calm the situation.' For fkkks sake TQ give the boy a break. It's his first day.' TQ exploded in righteous anger.Again. 'Boy? Boy? How do you know he's a boy? Have you conducted an optical or physical examination of the genitalia?' 'Not as such no.' replied Da Judge,'that's not my bag baby.' 'I'll have to do it myself. It's almost certain that his penis is an enlarged clitoris.' TQ started tugging at EarlyCrow's shorts until Da Judge wrestled her away. As Judge dragged her down the hall she continued,' Crow,do you like the movie Mamma Mia? Do you watch Will and Grace? Do you ever wear your Mum's pantyhose? I've got some blusher that will really bring out the colour of your eyes!'
Later on EarlyCrow ventured out into the small courtyard at the rear of the house. There he saw a man sitting in the lotus position,wearing a dress,enveloped in a great cloud of smoke. He went back inside and asked TQ,'Miss TeenQueen there's a man in the yard wearing a dress. Is he one of those Sexual Emissions you were telling me about?' 'No child he's just a STUPID FKKKING HIPPY WEARING A KAFTAN!! His name's Logroller. He still thinks it's 1969. Stay away from him otherwise you'll be getting all Harold and Kumar on us.' 'Ok.'
Later on EarlyCrow was feeling a bit peckish. Maybe a vegemite sandwich would hit the spot,he mused. And a peanut butter one as well. And a whole BBQ chicken. And some garlic roast potatoes. And some coleslaw. And some dim sims. Maybe a 600ml of chocolate milk to wash it down. Preferably Oak. He couldn't think who to ask. Pappy Judge and Sea The Stars were bust punting. Kaftan man looked like he didn't know anything. There was only Miss TeenQueen even though he was a bit afraid to ask. He was looking for her when he ran into Da Judge in the kitchen. 'Where's Miss TeenQueen,'he asked. 'Let me show you,'said Judge.
They walked down the hall then down some stairs and down another hall. Da Judge produced a key and opened the door. Inside EarlyCrow saw a vast array of black patent leather straps and chrome chains from floor to ceiling with various pulleys and other mechanisms. At the centre of all this was TQ,tied up and immobile,her mouth gagged.
EarlyCrow asked,'Why is Miss TeenQueen all tied up?'
'TQ is a wonderful erudite and entertaining member of the Chambers with a vast knowledge of racing but we've found that on raceday it's best to keep her restrained. The last time she was loose she got the passwords and had 378 bets in less than 45 seconds and wiped out the accounts. We've got no choice.'
'Why is she all bent over with her bottom sticking up in the air?'
'That's the most comfortable position for her.'
'Why has she got no clothes on?'
'Didn't you say you were hungry? Let's go to Pokeron's for a BBQ chicken.Extra chicken salt.'
With everyone busy punting or being chained up EarlyCrow decided to explore the house. He went upstairs and followed the sound of a television which eventually brought him to a huge living room. On one wall was a massive TV opposite which there was a lounge and some recliners. Crow counted four fridges of various sizes and noted the stack of empty bottles behind the lounge,at least a metre high. Sitting on a recliner was a handsome man dressed only in an old Waratahs jersey and his underpants. In his left hand was a glass of beer and his right hand was deep in his undies,slowly scratching his scrotum while obviously doing some profound thinking.
As EarlyCrow approached the man looked at him and said,'Hey howzit goin mate?' Crow answered,'I'm very well thank you and thank you for asking.' 'So what brings you to the Chambers?' asked the man. 'My name is EarlyCrow and Pappy Judge is my new Daddy.' The man started laughing uproariously,' Fkking Judgey the dirty dog!! Snuck one past the keeper eh? I thought he'd given up trying. That BALD deal it's like a Female Repellant! So you'll be living here now?' 'Yes',replied Crow.'What's your name?' 'I'm Double Agent. You can call me DA.'
'What do you do DA?' 'What? What do I do? Well,you know,like ahh I'm very busy lately. Very busy.' DA reached beside him and cranked the lever on the recliner to send him back to his naturally horizontal position. 'Foxtel have got The Wire on at the moment so I've been recording that.Series 3. As you know James Gandolfini died recently so I've had to watch all 13 seasons of The Sopranos. I've got Breaking Bad out on rental so been going back over that. Yeah,fkkk yeah,got my hands full you know? Plus I got my regulars to keep up with.Coronation St. That fkkkin Karl he's got it coming eh? There's always the old standards like Minder. Don't forget Entourage. Oh!! CHOONS! I love the CHOONS.Got them Pumping. Love the Stones. You into the Stones Crow? Big Stones man me.' Just then DA leapt out of his recliner and put his hands on his hips and pouting and sticking his tongue out,alternately gyrating or thrusting his pelvis like a maniac. EarlyCrow started giggling when DA burst into a song that was to become very familiar to the boy in his time at the Chambers.
"Ohh see the storm is threatning
My very life today
Gimme Gimme Shelter
Ohh I'm gonna fade away"
The effort of this sudden activity took it's toll on DA and he crashed back in the recliner. 'What else do you do DA?'asked the boy. ' What? What d'ya mean what else? Fkkin hell! Ok. What day is it today?' 'It's Saturday.' 'Saturday is a BIG day. You got your Shute Shield at 3pm. I think today is Randwick v Eastwood. Then at 5.30 you've got Super Rugby. Chiefs v Crusaders. 7.30 Waratahs v Reds. Then I think at 9.30 the Force are playing. Then there's a bit of a break. Crunch some CHOONS in there before the South African games start. If you're too maggotted for SA rugby then there's always more CHOONS or more DVDs. Honestly there's not enough hours in the day!'
'What's Rugby DA? Is it like AFL?' 'IS IT FKKK!!! AFL is a game for little fairy boys. Rugby's the greatest thing in the world apart from drinking. It's like this.' DA then became highly animated while explaining the rules of rugby to EarlyCrow. There was much hand actions and explosion noises and dipping his finger in his beer and drawing diagrams on the coffee table. He reached down next to the lounge and picked up an oval shaped white ball with 'Gilbert' printed on it. 'Fkkk it I'll show you',he said. He then proceeded to demonstrate to EarlyCrow a game of rugby inside his lounge room. EarlyCrow watched in amazement as DA dashed around the room immitating 30 players and a ref while commentating the proceedings himself. There was much crashing into furniture and tearing down of curtains while DA shouted out such things as 'RELEASE!!' 'TACKLER ROLL AWAY!!' Sir HE'S GOT HIS HANDS ON IT!!' 'Lovely ball from DA there' 'DA makes a trysaving tackle!!! 'DA chips - he regathers - HE SCORES!!! Then DA demanded silence while he took the conversion he said would win the game. He solemnly placed the ball,slowly lined it up and kicked the Fkk out of it,knocking a painting off the wall. EarlyCrow said 'I hope that painting wasn't woth much DA.' 'It was just a piece of **** by that cnnt Picasso. Fkkk it. I need a beer.
Suddenly DA sat upright. 'We should play a game. Right here right now. That's the only way you'll learn how to play rugby.' He jumped out of his seat. 'This is your tryline here.Between the minifridge and the pile of bottles.' 'I'll be the Wallabies and you can be the Lions. It'll be the 4th Test!' EarlyCrow didn't really know much of what was going on but he found DA's enthusiasm infectious. And so they played rugby. DA commentating and sometimes helping the lad with some tips. As the game wore on the more EarlyCrow enjoyed it. No one had ever played with him before. Inevitably DA became more roughhouse with the lad as his naturally competitive instinct kicked in. When young Crow made a break for a match winning try DA leapt on the boy and ploughed him head first through the coffee table!! A bleeding EarlyCrow started crying.
Da Judge heard the crash and the screams from downstairs and raced up to see what happened. He quickly sized up the situation and shouted at DA 'What the fkkk are you doing?' DA replied,' There was nothing in it. Check upstairs if you like. Go to the video ref!' 'FOR GODS SAKE DA he's just a little boy'. 'Yeah? There's nothing little about that FAT GUTS on him! Have a go at the Fat Cnnt!!' Da Judge picked the boy up and went to take him away but DA stopped him and said,' In Rugby we always shake hands after inflicting unspeakable acts of violence on each other' and he shook EarlyCrow's hand.
As Judge carried the boy downstairs they could hear DA launch into his old clubs victory song.
"Those Magnificent Men from Eastwood are here,
Playing their Rugby and drinking their beer!"
EarlyCrow asked,'PappyJudge.Is there something wrong with that man?'
'Sure is son. He hasn't had a sober day since 1982.'
'I like him.'
'I don't.'
As EarlyCrow approached the man looked at him and said,'Hey howzit goin mate?' Crow answered,'I'm very well thank you and thank you for asking.' 'So what brings you to the Chambers?' asked the man. 'My name is EarlyCrow and Pappy Judge is my new Daddy.' The man started laughing uproariously,' Fkking Judgey the dirty dog!! Snuck one past the keeper eh? I thought he'd given up trying. That BALD deal it's like a Female Repellant! So you'll be living here now?' 'Yes',replied Crow.'What's your name?' 'I'm Double Agent. You can call me DA.'
'What do you do DA?' 'What? What do I do? Well,you know,like ahh I'm very busy lately. Very busy.' DA reached beside him and cranked the lever on the recliner to send him back to his naturally horizontal position. 'Foxtel have got The Wire on at the moment so I've been recording that.Series 3. As you know James Gandolfini died recently so I've had to watch all 13 seasons of The Sopranos. I've got Breaking Bad out on rental so been going back over that. Yeah,fkkk yeah,got my hands full you know? Plus I got my regulars to keep up with.Coronation St. That fkkkin Karl he's got it coming eh? There's always the old standards like Minder. Don't forget Entourage. Oh!! CHOONS! I love the CHOONS.Got them Pumping. Love the Stones. You into the Stones Crow? Big Stones man me.' Just then DA leapt out of his recliner and put his hands on his hips and pouting and sticking his tongue out,alternately gyrating or thrusting his pelvis like a maniac. EarlyCrow started giggling when DA burst into a song that was to become very familiar to the boy in his time at the Chambers.
"Ohh see the storm is threatning
My very life today
Gimme Gimme Shelter
Ohh I'm gonna fade away"
The effort of this sudden activity took it's toll on DA and he crashed back in the recliner. 'What else do you do DA?'asked the boy. ' What? What d'ya mean what else? Fkkin hell! Ok. What day is it today?' 'It's Saturday.' 'Saturday is a BIG day. You got your Shute Shield at 3pm. I think today is Randwick v Eastwood. Then at 5.30 you've got Super Rugby. Chiefs v Crusaders. 7.30 Waratahs v Reds. Then I think at 9.30 the Force are playing. Then there's a bit of a break. Crunch some CHOONS in there before the South African games start. If you're too maggotted for SA rugby then there's always more CHOONS or more DVDs. Honestly there's not enough hours in the day!'
'What's Rugby DA? Is it like AFL?' 'IS IT FKKK!!! AFL is a game for little fairy boys. Rugby's the greatest thing in the world apart from drinking. It's like this.' DA then became highly animated while explaining the rules of rugby to EarlyCrow. There was much hand actions and explosion noises and dipping his finger in his beer and drawing diagrams on the coffee table. He reached down next to the lounge and picked up an oval shaped white ball with 'Gilbert' printed on it. 'Fkkk it I'll show you',he said. He then proceeded to demonstrate to EarlyCrow a game of rugby inside his lounge room. EarlyCrow watched in amazement as DA dashed around the room immitating 30 players and a ref while commentating the proceedings himself. There was much crashing into furniture and tearing down of curtains while DA shouted out such things as 'RELEASE!!' 'TACKLER ROLL AWAY!!' Sir HE'S GOT HIS HANDS ON IT!!' 'Lovely ball from DA there' 'DA makes a trysaving tackle!!! 'DA chips - he regathers - HE SCORES!!! Then DA demanded silence while he took the conversion he said would win the game. He solemnly placed the ball,slowly lined it up and kicked the Fkk out of it,knocking a painting off the wall. EarlyCrow said 'I hope that painting wasn't woth much DA.' 'It was just a piece of **** by that cnnt Picasso. Fkkk it. I need a beer.
Suddenly DA sat upright. 'We should play a game. Right here right now. That's the only way you'll learn how to play rugby.' He jumped out of his seat. 'This is your tryline here.Between the minifridge and the pile of bottles.' 'I'll be the Wallabies and you can be the Lions. It'll be the 4th Test!' EarlyCrow didn't really know much of what was going on but he found DA's enthusiasm infectious. And so they played rugby. DA commentating and sometimes helping the lad with some tips. As the game wore on the more EarlyCrow enjoyed it. No one had ever played with him before. Inevitably DA became more roughhouse with the lad as his naturally competitive instinct kicked in. When young Crow made a break for a match winning try DA leapt on the boy and ploughed him head first through the coffee table!! A bleeding EarlyCrow started crying.
Da Judge heard the crash and the screams from downstairs and raced up to see what happened. He quickly sized up the situation and shouted at DA 'What the fkkk are you doing?' DA replied,' There was nothing in it. Check upstairs if you like. Go to the video ref!' 'FOR GODS SAKE DA he's just a little boy'. 'Yeah? There's nothing little about that FAT GUTS on him! Have a go at the Fat Cnnt!!' Da Judge picked the boy up and went to take him away but DA stopped him and said,' In Rugby we always shake hands after inflicting unspeakable acts of violence on each other' and he shook EarlyCrow's hand.
As Judge carried the boy downstairs they could hear DA launch into his old clubs victory song.
"Those Magnificent Men from Eastwood are here,
Playing their Rugby and drinking their beer!"
EarlyCrow asked,'PappyJudge.Is there something wrong with that man?'
'Sure is son. He hasn't had a sober day since 1982.'
'I like him.'
'I don't.'
To quote Monty Burns.....EXCCCCCELLENT
After the day's racing Da Judge and STS and TQ have a bit of a punters post mortem over a few drinks. On this day they received a visit from a very special guest. EarlyCrow answered the door for a jockey sized man of vaguely humanoid appearance. He brushed past the lad in his haste to join in the punting discussion inside. 'Ah look everbody it's Lets Elope,' cried Da Judge on seeing the pest. 'Have you met my new son,EarlyCrow?' 'Yes we've met,'Lets replied,'If you recall I predicted that you would have a son. Once again I am right.' "Sure Lets.Of course. How did you go today Lets?'
'Well in the first race at the Gold Coast I backed Pezenas,brilliantly ridden by Michael Palmer. I also backed Brigadoon Legend and Road To Malta for the place. I also got the exacta quinella trifecta and the first four. It was all fairly basic when you know how to do videos as well as me. My next bet was at Caulfield race 1. I backed Lord of the Sky for a win,brilliantly ridden by Nisbett,and took Monkstone and Gallant Express for the place. Managed to snag the quinella exacta trifecta and first four. Simple stuff really for someone of my ability. The next race was at...' Just then DA walked in,saw Lets Elope,did a U-turn and went back to the rugby. Two hours later he came back just in time to hear Lets say this,' Then in the last at Morphetville I backed Value As for a win and God Help Us and Komodo for the place. I was fortunate enough to get the quinella exacta trifecta and first four again.'
Da Judge said,' Nice punting there Lets. So you backed 72 winners from 72 bets,144 successful place bets,72 quinellas,72 exactas,72 trifectas and 72 first fours. Also countless doubles and other stuff. Well done mate!' 'It's easy to Predict the outcomes of races when you have my knowledge.' 'Did you get up to anything else?' 'Well I predicted the result of every AFL game so far and backed them for a satisfactory outcome. I also attended two Non-TAB meetings today,one at Dubbo and one at Coffs Harbour and backed the card at both.'
'Let me get this straight Lets. You went to a meeting at Dubbo and a meeting at Coffs at the same time. How does that work?' 'I just drive from one to the other between races. It's fairly easy when you have the massive knowledge of the road network like I do.'
'Congratulations Lets sounds like you had another fantastic day. Just like last week. And the one before. Actually there's still a few races left at Belmont maybe you can steer us onto something good?'
'I haven't done any form for those races. Sorry.'
'Not to worry.Well you must be cashed up. Maybe you could shout us a BBQ chicken from Pokerons?'
'I didnt bring any cash. I wasn't expecting we would eat.'
'Didn't Predict dinner eh Lets? I suppose you can't think of everything.'
Just then DA interrupted proceedings by belching loudly and shouting,'THIS CNNT IS FULL OF SH!T !! Come on Crow,let's go back to the Rugby.'
'Well in the first race at the Gold Coast I backed Pezenas,brilliantly ridden by Michael Palmer. I also backed Brigadoon Legend and Road To Malta for the place. I also got the exacta quinella trifecta and the first four. It was all fairly basic when you know how to do videos as well as me. My next bet was at Caulfield race 1. I backed Lord of the Sky for a win,brilliantly ridden by Nisbett,and took Monkstone and Gallant Express for the place. Managed to snag the quinella exacta trifecta and first four. Simple stuff really for someone of my ability. The next race was at...' Just then DA walked in,saw Lets Elope,did a U-turn and went back to the rugby. Two hours later he came back just in time to hear Lets say this,' Then in the last at Morphetville I backed Value As for a win and God Help Us and Komodo for the place. I was fortunate enough to get the quinella exacta trifecta and first four again.'
Da Judge said,' Nice punting there Lets. So you backed 72 winners from 72 bets,144 successful place bets,72 quinellas,72 exactas,72 trifectas and 72 first fours. Also countless doubles and other stuff. Well done mate!' 'It's easy to Predict the outcomes of races when you have my knowledge.' 'Did you get up to anything else?' 'Well I predicted the result of every AFL game so far and backed them for a satisfactory outcome. I also attended two Non-TAB meetings today,one at Dubbo and one at Coffs Harbour and backed the card at both.'
'Let me get this straight Lets. You went to a meeting at Dubbo and a meeting at Coffs at the same time. How does that work?' 'I just drive from one to the other between races. It's fairly easy when you have the massive knowledge of the road network like I do.'
'Congratulations Lets sounds like you had another fantastic day. Just like last week. And the one before. Actually there's still a few races left at Belmont maybe you can steer us onto something good?'
'I haven't done any form for those races. Sorry.'
'Not to worry.Well you must be cashed up. Maybe you could shout us a BBQ chicken from Pokerons?'
'I didnt bring any cash. I wasn't expecting we would eat.'
'Didn't Predict dinner eh Lets? I suppose you can't think of everything.'
Just then DA interrupted proceedings by belching loudly and shouting,'THIS CNNT IS FULL OF SH!T !! Come on Crow,let's go back to the Rugby.'
I wonder when DJ's homies, Lazza and Spy will appear. I think Spy and Mike have sailed off into the yonder like
Crash Bandicoot and his gf at the end.
Crash Bandicoot and his gf at the end.
To be serious for the briefest of moments Lazza's BF acoount got hacked into so he doesn't play here anymore.
You mean his $$$?....or just one of his forum personas?
His $$$$. Can't remember if he lost $$$ but a/c had been got into. Got no satisfactory response from management so bailed.
Btw Lazza didn't have any forum personas.
hmmmmm 
Did they trace the offending ip address to somewhere in.........Roswell? 
Did they trace the offending ip address to somewhere in.........Roswell?
He had a dabble with Otto that was all.
One of EarlyCrow's favourite things was to go for a walk with Double Agent to the local bottle shop. The BOOZATORIUM! They would take the football and have a kick in the park on the way. The length of the stay depended on how much beer DA had with him. A walk with DA was unlike any walk earlycrow had ever experienced. He loved listening to DA's constant rambling,from identifying various plants including their Latin names to descriptions of battles from the Napoleonic wars. DA had an opinion on every passerby which he would impart volubly to the lad. 'That man clearly has rhuematoid arthritis of the lower bowel. No doubt due to being extensively buggered in a Latvian orphanage. His glazed expression betrays a thought process both slow and painful.' Crow didn't really understand much of what DA was saying and it wasn't until he was older did he realise that it was mostly bollokks. 'People from the west,especially the states seem to believe that happiness is their right. It should be in the constitution. I'm here to tell them that happiness is not a right in fact it's an irrelevance. Happiness is fleeting at best. Only a mindless person can be truly happy.' 'Work is the most honourable thing a man can do. Only through work,hard work,can a man elevate himself to God like status. Those that don't work or refuse to work are a pestilence, a disease on mankind,parasites that should be exterminated.' To which EarlyCrow once replied,'I've never seen you do any work DA.' 'I mean for other people.It's not everyone's cup of tea',replied DA.
Along the walk dogs would bark at them through their front gates and fences. DA would open these gates and the dogs would accompany the pair on their walk. Sometimes schoolchums of earlycrow's would tag along. Nearly always a couple of teenagers would show up,clutching some cash so that DA would buy them some grog from the BOOZATORIUM. DA would greet strangers heartily before launching into some lewd anecdote. He would always introduce earlycrow to people in a ludicrous manner. At first this would embarrass the boy but after a while he grew to like it. 'This is Earlycrow,' he would explain,'you must excuse his brevity. His father was killed in Stalingrad and the corpse defiled by crazed Russian necrophiliacs.' Or 'This is EarlyCrow,he is currently the Sommelier for Bistode restaurant' while a confused man would push his glasses up his nose to get a better look at the remarkable child.
On entering the BOOZATORIUM the owner showed little surprise at the entourage accompanying DA. Dogs stretching out on the cool floor,teenagers lurking outside,DA taking his time to select fine ales. Then packing the backpack for earlycrow to carry home. DA always drank at least two beers while inside the shop,the owner scanning the empty bottles at the till. Finally the caravan would head home,EarlyCrow comforted by DA's monologue. 'You realise of course that all the world's great writers are male. Charles Dickens,George Eliot,AM Barnard.' For an hour after they got home the doorbell would ring constantly with neighbours come to retrieve their dogs or kids.
Along the walk dogs would bark at them through their front gates and fences. DA would open these gates and the dogs would accompany the pair on their walk. Sometimes schoolchums of earlycrow's would tag along. Nearly always a couple of teenagers would show up,clutching some cash so that DA would buy them some grog from the BOOZATORIUM. DA would greet strangers heartily before launching into some lewd anecdote. He would always introduce earlycrow to people in a ludicrous manner. At first this would embarrass the boy but after a while he grew to like it. 'This is Earlycrow,' he would explain,'you must excuse his brevity. His father was killed in Stalingrad and the corpse defiled by crazed Russian necrophiliacs.' Or 'This is EarlyCrow,he is currently the Sommelier for Bistode restaurant' while a confused man would push his glasses up his nose to get a better look at the remarkable child.
On entering the BOOZATORIUM the owner showed little surprise at the entourage accompanying DA. Dogs stretching out on the cool floor,teenagers lurking outside,DA taking his time to select fine ales. Then packing the backpack for earlycrow to carry home. DA always drank at least two beers while inside the shop,the owner scanning the empty bottles at the till. Finally the caravan would head home,EarlyCrow comforted by DA's monologue. 'You realise of course that all the world's great writers are male. Charles Dickens,George Eliot,AM Barnard.' For an hour after they got home the doorbell would ring constantly with neighbours come to retrieve their dogs or kids.
with neighbours come to retrieve their dogs or kids.
Was Joel's mum a good sort?
EarlyCrow noticed that on DA's floor one of the bedroom doors was always locked. Sometimes when he and DA were watching telly he would hear the toilet flush. He asked DA if someone else lived on this floor. DA said 'yeah that crazy dude lives in that back bedroom. Best to steer clear of him. Anger issues. You want another beer?'.
But Crow was a curious lad and it wasn't long before he met up with the the angry occupant of the back bedroom. One time the door was ajar so he peered in on a most curious sight. He saw a man wearing large boots and jeans with braces. He wore no shirt and his skin had quite a number of tattoos. He appeared to be shaving his skull with a hunting knife while muttering to himself. Crow looked around the room and saw massive flags everywhere. One was the Australian flag but there were others he didn't recognise. One was red with a white circle and a black cross thing in the middle. After the man finished shaving his head he put his hand over the flame of a candle while screaming out CNNNNNNNNNTTTTSSSS!!!!!
Just then he noticed the boy looking at him and jumped up and dragged him inside. 'WHO THE FCKK ARE YOU CNNT?? he shouted but before Crow could answer he continued 'You spying on me CNNT? Is that what you're up to? Who sent you? You wearing a wire cnnt? Yeah? That fcking Zionist Da Judge sent you in here didn't he?' The man was getting quite worked up. He started tearing the boys clothes off. Crow started screaming! DA crashed through the door careful not to spill a drop of his $5.99 Seaview champagne. He couldn't believe what he was seeing,'Why the FCKK are you peering up that boy's anus with a flashlight?' The man answered 'HE'S A FCKKING SPY! A FILTHY MIDGET DRESSED UP AS A BOY WEARING A WIRE. JUDGE SENT HIM HERE OR LETS ELOPE. I'LL KILL THE CNNTTTS!!!' 'Settle down mate. He's just a little boy. His name's EarlyCrow. He's not a spy. Now you two play nice I gotta get back to Breaking Bad.'
Earlycrow pulled his pants up and sat down. The man appeared to calm down a bit. 'What's your name?' 'Are you serious? Are you trying to pretend you don't know who I am? Well for your infromation you ugly little retarded CNNT my name is SECOND COMING!! I AM THE SUPREME PUNTER!! With that announcement Second Coming jumped up,did some shadow boxing, saluted the various flags around the room and crashed back down again. EarlyCrow noticed the tattoo on the front of SC's forehead:
Made IN
SOUTH SYDNEY
EarlyCrow asked SC 'what's made in South Sydney mean?' SC became agitated again,'What d'ya think it means you little turd. Means I'm a South Sydney boy. Born here grew up here. In Erko,Erskineville.Cnnt' Just then DA's voice could be heard from the other room. 'Erko's not South Sydney it's Newtown' followed by some DA chuckling. SC exploded 'SAME FCKKING THING CNNT WHAT THE FCKK WOULD YOU KNOW ANYWAY?' EarlyCrow noticed that when SC started screaming that huge amounts of spit would go flying out of his mouth. SC looked at the boy and said 'This whole floor used to be mine. Then in the last great battle between me and Da Judge I lost it and they put that drunken Cnnt DA in here and I got stuck in this little bedroom. But I'll get it back. It's my destiny.' Just then SC got a dreamy look on his face. He wandered around the room,almost serenely while he outlined to EarlyCrow his grand vision. 'One day,very soon,I'll drive that drunken pestilence from my doorstep and then I'll launch my Offensive against the Forces of Evil. Da Judge,that hairy Turkish cnnt STS and the true puppet master Lets Elope. Then I will take my rightful place. I will fulfill my destiny. I will be THE SUPREME PUNTER!!!!'
SC walked over to a wall and reached up to pull down,in the manner of a rollerblind,a large map. He picked up a pointer and used it to indicate. 'Here as you can see,I have a map of the building. The ground floor is currently in control of the Zionist Occupied Government. Da Judge,STS and their real master Lets Elope. We are on the first floor here while the buffoon DA occupies the vast majority of the land mass. The main problem is what lies above. The Second Floor.' 'What's the problem? Who lives there?' asked EarlyCrow. He was loving this crazy new guy! 'The Second Floor is filled with more Zionist sympathisers. The POMS! SofiaKenny,Etarnal Optimist,Spyker and Rob Dylan. I'd love to just CRUSH THOSE CNNTS WITH MY BARE HANDS but I have to be careful. I don't want to be fighting on two floors at once. I may have to suck up to the POMS and make a treaty. But that might be difficult. There's a lot of history there. THOSE FCKKKING LOW DOG CNNTS I FCKKING HATE THEM!!. You can see I'm in a difficult position. It requires diplomacy and tact and THOSE FCKKING C0CKMASTERS MAKE ME SO FCKKING ANGRY!!!!'
SC collapsed back down in his chair. Earlycrow asked him 'Why do you hate Lets Elope so much?' SC regarded the boy with a wry smile. He picked up a CD off a pile and put it in the player. 'Listen to this. This Is Lets Elope's CD. Titled "Profitable Punting with Lets Elope Australias Greatest Ever Punter" Can you believe this sh1t? As he put it on he walked over to the corner of his room and took a sheet off a rubber mannequin. One of those boxing torso things that people use to get fit. The head had been replaced with a head with the exact likeness of Lets Elope!! EarlyCrow was very impressed!
As the CD began SC took a few playful jabs at the LE dummy. The more Lets Elope's voice went on the more violent SC became.
"Hello my name is Lets Elope. Australia's Greatest Ever Punter. In the Summer of the year 2002 I became the very first punter in Australia to use video recordings to study races. With my vast knowledge of racing and this new Secret Weapon of form study I saw my profits skyrocket. Later that year there was another breakthrough. Bookies stopped using fractional odds and switched to decimal. I like every other punter was bewildered by such terms as 6/4 and 5/2. Now that they were decimalised punters could rejoice in the knowledge that 6/4 meant a $2 return on every $1 bet. From that moment on I have backed the winner,the placegetters,the quinella and trifecta of every single race held in Australia. By following my simple instructions you too can become a supreme punter."
SC's screams and growls made EarlyCrow look over at him. He had his arms and legs wrapped around the dummy while fiercely biting the nose and screaming 'YOU STUPID FCKKING AFTERTIMING FCKKING AFTERTIMING CNNNNNT. I WILL DESTROY YOU!!! I AM THE SUPREME PUNTER!! ME!!! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. IT'S MY DESTINY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
But Crow was a curious lad and it wasn't long before he met up with the the angry occupant of the back bedroom. One time the door was ajar so he peered in on a most curious sight. He saw a man wearing large boots and jeans with braces. He wore no shirt and his skin had quite a number of tattoos. He appeared to be shaving his skull with a hunting knife while muttering to himself. Crow looked around the room and saw massive flags everywhere. One was the Australian flag but there were others he didn't recognise. One was red with a white circle and a black cross thing in the middle. After the man finished shaving his head he put his hand over the flame of a candle while screaming out CNNNNNNNNNTTTTSSSS!!!!!
Just then he noticed the boy looking at him and jumped up and dragged him inside. 'WHO THE FCKK ARE YOU CNNT?? he shouted but before Crow could answer he continued 'You spying on me CNNT? Is that what you're up to? Who sent you? You wearing a wire cnnt? Yeah? That fcking Zionist Da Judge sent you in here didn't he?' The man was getting quite worked up. He started tearing the boys clothes off. Crow started screaming! DA crashed through the door careful not to spill a drop of his $5.99 Seaview champagne. He couldn't believe what he was seeing,'Why the FCKK are you peering up that boy's anus with a flashlight?' The man answered 'HE'S A FCKKING SPY! A FILTHY MIDGET DRESSED UP AS A BOY WEARING A WIRE. JUDGE SENT HIM HERE OR LETS ELOPE. I'LL KILL THE CNNTTTS!!!' 'Settle down mate. He's just a little boy. His name's EarlyCrow. He's not a spy. Now you two play nice I gotta get back to Breaking Bad.'
Earlycrow pulled his pants up and sat down. The man appeared to calm down a bit. 'What's your name?' 'Are you serious? Are you trying to pretend you don't know who I am? Well for your infromation you ugly little retarded CNNT my name is SECOND COMING!! I AM THE SUPREME PUNTER!! With that announcement Second Coming jumped up,did some shadow boxing, saluted the various flags around the room and crashed back down again. EarlyCrow noticed the tattoo on the front of SC's forehead:
Made IN
SOUTH SYDNEY
EarlyCrow asked SC 'what's made in South Sydney mean?' SC became agitated again,'What d'ya think it means you little turd. Means I'm a South Sydney boy. Born here grew up here. In Erko,Erskineville.Cnnt' Just then DA's voice could be heard from the other room. 'Erko's not South Sydney it's Newtown' followed by some DA chuckling. SC exploded 'SAME FCKKING THING CNNT WHAT THE FCKK WOULD YOU KNOW ANYWAY?' EarlyCrow noticed that when SC started screaming that huge amounts of spit would go flying out of his mouth. SC looked at the boy and said 'This whole floor used to be mine. Then in the last great battle between me and Da Judge I lost it and they put that drunken Cnnt DA in here and I got stuck in this little bedroom. But I'll get it back. It's my destiny.' Just then SC got a dreamy look on his face. He wandered around the room,almost serenely while he outlined to EarlyCrow his grand vision. 'One day,very soon,I'll drive that drunken pestilence from my doorstep and then I'll launch my Offensive against the Forces of Evil. Da Judge,that hairy Turkish cnnt STS and the true puppet master Lets Elope. Then I will take my rightful place. I will fulfill my destiny. I will be THE SUPREME PUNTER!!!!'
SC walked over to a wall and reached up to pull down,in the manner of a rollerblind,a large map. He picked up a pointer and used it to indicate. 'Here as you can see,I have a map of the building. The ground floor is currently in control of the Zionist Occupied Government. Da Judge,STS and their real master Lets Elope. We are on the first floor here while the buffoon DA occupies the vast majority of the land mass. The main problem is what lies above. The Second Floor.' 'What's the problem? Who lives there?' asked EarlyCrow. He was loving this crazy new guy! 'The Second Floor is filled with more Zionist sympathisers. The POMS! SofiaKenny,Etarnal Optimist,Spyker and Rob Dylan. I'd love to just CRUSH THOSE CNNTS WITH MY BARE HANDS but I have to be careful. I don't want to be fighting on two floors at once. I may have to suck up to the POMS and make a treaty. But that might be difficult. There's a lot of history there. THOSE FCKKKING LOW DOG CNNTS I FCKKING HATE THEM!!. You can see I'm in a difficult position. It requires diplomacy and tact and THOSE FCKKING C0CKMASTERS MAKE ME SO FCKKING ANGRY!!!!'
SC collapsed back down in his chair. Earlycrow asked him 'Why do you hate Lets Elope so much?' SC regarded the boy with a wry smile. He picked up a CD off a pile and put it in the player. 'Listen to this. This Is Lets Elope's CD. Titled "Profitable Punting with Lets Elope Australias Greatest Ever Punter" Can you believe this sh1t? As he put it on he walked over to the corner of his room and took a sheet off a rubber mannequin. One of those boxing torso things that people use to get fit. The head had been replaced with a head with the exact likeness of Lets Elope!! EarlyCrow was very impressed!
As the CD began SC took a few playful jabs at the LE dummy. The more Lets Elope's voice went on the more violent SC became.
"Hello my name is Lets Elope. Australia's Greatest Ever Punter. In the Summer of the year 2002 I became the very first punter in Australia to use video recordings to study races. With my vast knowledge of racing and this new Secret Weapon of form study I saw my profits skyrocket. Later that year there was another breakthrough. Bookies stopped using fractional odds and switched to decimal. I like every other punter was bewildered by such terms as 6/4 and 5/2. Now that they were decimalised punters could rejoice in the knowledge that 6/4 meant a $2 return on every $1 bet. From that moment on I have backed the winner,the placegetters,the quinella and trifecta of every single race held in Australia. By following my simple instructions you too can become a supreme punter."
SC's screams and growls made EarlyCrow look over at him. He had his arms and legs wrapped around the dummy while fiercely biting the nose and screaming 'YOU STUPID FCKKING AFTERTIMING FCKKING AFTERTIMING CNNNNNT. I WILL DESTROY YOU!!! I AM THE SUPREME PUNTER!! ME!!! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. IT'S MY DESTINY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Cheers Spoon at least there is one person that likes this thread!
Don't be fooled. Your efforts are appreciated, I am not alone. 
If I could understand what the hell your talking about I would appreciate it
ps--When I was a child I was just like I am now.Immature ,and broke
A meeting of forumites in the chambers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nsKDJlpUbA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nsKDJlpUbA
good stuff Kamo
Inxperienced as he was at raising a child Da Judge did at least know that any living creature needed shots. He wasn't exactly sure what that was all about so he called a meeting of the Chambers brains trust at lunch. Here he raised his concerns to the great minds. 'I think EarlyCrow needs shots or vaccinating or something so he doesn't catch herpes or Aids or whatever.'
TeenQueen exploded in righteous fury! 'You can't be vaccinated for Aids you imbecile. Must you bring your homophobic vitriol into everything? You sheeple make me sick! But I do agree with you about seeing a doctor. I know a good one from the Gay Lesbian and Transgender Council. We need an expert to explain his gender issues. Clearly he needs some counselling as well.'
STS exploded in Turkish fury!! 'FCKK THAT. All that boy needs is CIRCUMSIZING! By The Beard Of ATTATURK I cannot go another day knowing there is a foreskin in this house!'
Everyone looked over at DA who was preoccupied opening a bottle of Carrington Brut. 'What do you think DA,' asked Judge. 'Eh? About what?'he replied. 'About whether we should take EarlyCrow to a doctor.' 'Oh right. Yeah I guess you should. The fat fckker has some eating issues that's for sure!'
They all turned to watch the lad eating his lunch. Hunched over a whole barbecue chicken eating feverishly, a garlic roast potato jammed in each cheek and drinking from a bowl of gravy. Da Judge tentatively suggested he take it easy but the only response from the boy was a menacing growl. He looked like a cattle dog . Judge said 'ok son I think you've had enough' and reached out to grab the plate when EarlyCrow went for his wrist biting eat like a pitbull until DA beat him away with a rolled up newspaper!
TeenQueen exploded in righteous fury! 'You can't be vaccinated for Aids you imbecile. Must you bring your homophobic vitriol into everything? You sheeple make me sick! But I do agree with you about seeing a doctor. I know a good one from the Gay Lesbian and Transgender Council. We need an expert to explain his gender issues. Clearly he needs some counselling as well.'
STS exploded in Turkish fury!! 'FCKK THAT. All that boy needs is CIRCUMSIZING! By The Beard Of ATTATURK I cannot go another day knowing there is a foreskin in this house!'
Everyone looked over at DA who was preoccupied opening a bottle of Carrington Brut. 'What do you think DA,' asked Judge. 'Eh? About what?'he replied. 'About whether we should take EarlyCrow to a doctor.' 'Oh right. Yeah I guess you should. The fat fckker has some eating issues that's for sure!'
They all turned to watch the lad eating his lunch. Hunched over a whole barbecue chicken eating feverishly, a garlic roast potato jammed in each cheek and drinking from a bowl of gravy. Da Judge tentatively suggested he take it easy but the only response from the boy was a menacing growl. He looked like a cattle dog . Judge said 'ok son I think you've had enough' and reached out to grab the plate when EarlyCrow went for his wrist biting eat like a pitbull until DA beat him away with a rolled up newspaper!
I just scan it looking for my name, otherwise ignore it
The five figures who entered the surgery later that day made quite an impression on a startled doctor. He quickly looked them over. A bald man bleeding profusely from what looked like a dog bite. A formidable looking woman with a large bust carrying a look of disdain. An aggressive hairy man of unpleasant aspect with darting eyes. A friendly looking chap who on closer inspection appeared to be dead drunk. And a very fat boy.
'Please,everyone,sit down. What seems to be the problem? The four adults all started talking at once.
'I need stitches! He bit me. He might have rabies. Do I need shots? The boy needs shots too.'
'I'm not sure you're qualified. We need a gender expert. We could be talking gender reassignment here. The boy clearly has an enlarged clitoris.'
'Chop the fckker off I say. It's filthy. It is an insult to GOD.'
'Hey Doc,you got a bottle opener?'
The doctor raised his arms. 'Hang on hang on. Who exactly are the parents of this child? Once again the four adults all started talking at once.
'I found him on the street. He was stark naked.'
'HOW DARE YOU try to bully us with your LOATHSOME gender stereotypes. This is not 1950. Get out of your conservative hetro-normative hate filled world and stop holding us back with your gender politics.'
'It's fckking easy. Just a little snip. I'll do it myself if you are too much of a fairy boy. Fckking STOOGE.'
'Hey Doc can I get a prescription for some ecstasy tabs? I think that boy's been into my stash.'
The Doctor held up his hands again. 'Ok ok. How about I have a look at the lad and we'll take it from there. EarlyCrow went over and sat opposite the doctor. One look at the boy and the doctor sat up in his chair. 'Good Lord' he muttered as he observed EarlyCrow's bulbous cranium. The doctor reached in a drawer and got out a tape measure and put it around the boy's head. He whistled and mumbled Jesus Christ while taking some notes. The residents of the Chambers looked at each other. Then the doc asked the lad to take off his clothes. Once again he emitted a noise while looking at the size of EarlyCrow's large belly. He held a stethoscope to the boy's chest and back and asked him to breathe. Then he tapped the boy's knee with a little hammer thing to check reflexes. Nothing happened! He tried again. And again. DA burst out laughing. 'Fccking Hell Crow you got no reflexes what a DUD!' The doctor spun around and said,' SHUT UP YOU DRUNKEN FOOL!!' 'Sorry.' He went back to his champagne.
Then the Doctor asked EarlyCrow to stand on a table. He produced a camera and started taking photos of the nude boy. 'Yes that's good. Now turn around. Nice.' He looked over at the perplexed faces of the four and said,'Just part of my research project.' Da Judge looked over at the others and said 'I hope this cnnt's not a friend of the Elephant.' DoubleAgent got into the spirit of the photo session by dropping his track pants and bending over to expose his buttocks and exhorting the doctor to 'Cop this one Doc,get a shot here mate!' TeenQueen exploded in righteous anger 'For FCKKS SAKE DA can't you go anywhere without chucking browneyes? We're in a doctor's surgery for Crissakes. Show some respect for his Research Project'. 'Oh Fckk him. I'm going home. This is boring.Fckking peedo!'
By this time Da Judge was becoming increasingly concerned with the doctors' behaviour. When the doctor said to EarlyCrow 'I'm having a little soiree round my place tomorrow night. I'd love you to come and meet everyone. Pick you up about 7.' Da Judge lost it. 'Right that's it. We're outta here.' He grabbed the boy and stormed out. The doctor called out 'don't be self conscious about your weight. Some guys really like that.' On the way out they passed DA who was telling a woman that the best way to avoid cancer was by never using public transport . STS had found a marker and was drawing big circumsised knobs all over the waiting room. TeenQueen was fending off a lust filled Chinese man.
EarlyCrow never did get his shots.
'Please,everyone,sit down. What seems to be the problem? The four adults all started talking at once.
'I need stitches! He bit me. He might have rabies. Do I need shots? The boy needs shots too.'
'I'm not sure you're qualified. We need a gender expert. We could be talking gender reassignment here. The boy clearly has an enlarged clitoris.'
'Chop the fckker off I say. It's filthy. It is an insult to GOD.'
'Hey Doc,you got a bottle opener?'
The doctor raised his arms. 'Hang on hang on. Who exactly are the parents of this child? Once again the four adults all started talking at once.
'I found him on the street. He was stark naked.'
'HOW DARE YOU try to bully us with your LOATHSOME gender stereotypes. This is not 1950. Get out of your conservative hetro-normative hate filled world and stop holding us back with your gender politics.'
'It's fckking easy. Just a little snip. I'll do it myself if you are too much of a fairy boy. Fckking STOOGE.'
'Hey Doc can I get a prescription for some ecstasy tabs? I think that boy's been into my stash.'
The Doctor held up his hands again. 'Ok ok. How about I have a look at the lad and we'll take it from there. EarlyCrow went over and sat opposite the doctor. One look at the boy and the doctor sat up in his chair. 'Good Lord' he muttered as he observed EarlyCrow's bulbous cranium. The doctor reached in a drawer and got out a tape measure and put it around the boy's head. He whistled and mumbled Jesus Christ while taking some notes. The residents of the Chambers looked at each other. Then the doc asked the lad to take off his clothes. Once again he emitted a noise while looking at the size of EarlyCrow's large belly. He held a stethoscope to the boy's chest and back and asked him to breathe. Then he tapped the boy's knee with a little hammer thing to check reflexes. Nothing happened! He tried again. And again. DA burst out laughing. 'Fccking Hell Crow you got no reflexes what a DUD!' The doctor spun around and said,' SHUT UP YOU DRUNKEN FOOL!!' 'Sorry.' He went back to his champagne.
Then the Doctor asked EarlyCrow to stand on a table. He produced a camera and started taking photos of the nude boy. 'Yes that's good. Now turn around. Nice.' He looked over at the perplexed faces of the four and said,'Just part of my research project.' Da Judge looked over at the others and said 'I hope this cnnt's not a friend of the Elephant.' DoubleAgent got into the spirit of the photo session by dropping his track pants and bending over to expose his buttocks and exhorting the doctor to 'Cop this one Doc,get a shot here mate!' TeenQueen exploded in righteous anger 'For FCKKS SAKE DA can't you go anywhere without chucking browneyes? We're in a doctor's surgery for Crissakes. Show some respect for his Research Project'. 'Oh Fckk him. I'm going home. This is boring.Fckking peedo!'
By this time Da Judge was becoming increasingly concerned with the doctors' behaviour. When the doctor said to EarlyCrow 'I'm having a little soiree round my place tomorrow night. I'd love you to come and meet everyone. Pick you up about 7.' Da Judge lost it. 'Right that's it. We're outta here.' He grabbed the boy and stormed out. The doctor called out 'don't be self conscious about your weight. Some guys really like that.' On the way out they passed DA who was telling a woman that the best way to avoid cancer was by never using public transport . STS had found a marker and was drawing big circumsised knobs all over the waiting room. TeenQueen was fending off a lust filled Chinese man.
EarlyCrow never did get his shots.
A story about a young boy with no clothes on.........what a surprise........get some help brother.......sick
Get off the grass, Dumbo.
Mopey, be careful what you wish for, I feel anal probing is long overdue in this story
Mopey, be careful what you wish for, I feel anal probing is long overdue in this story
your very best yet - so f uckin accurate on so may fronts
So what kind of man was this Live In Hope? By his own admission he had two great passions in life. Puntin' and Huntin'. He approached both pursuits with the same random haphazardness and achieved the same level of success. Which is to say,no success at all.
The previous Sunday LIH accompanied by his father and brother went on one of their many hunting expeditions. Three across the bench seat of an HQ ute. Two pig hunting dogs in the back. These dogs,one a bull terrier cross kelpie and the other some kind of pitty cross learnt everything about hunting from their master,and as a consequence had so far had killed as many pigs on a Sunday as LIH had winners on a Saturday. Usually upon hearing the approach of a wild boar the pair would make haste to the front seat of the ute, the pittie actually putting his paws on the steering wheel and willing the vehicle to get them the hell out of there.
The three Queenslanders considered huntin' with very wide strokes on a broad canvas. If anyone asked what they were huntin' they invariably replied 'feral pigs'. The truth of the matter is that they actually just liked shooting their guns and killing things. Anything really. Roos, sheep ,cattle,wombats,koalas,native birds,pet dogs and cats,road signs. They were terrible shots and most of their kills came from running over things with the ute. They liked nothing better than knocking down a roo then jumping out and bashing the fckk out of it with their bare hands. It was considered a successful trip if they managed not to shoot each other. All three had bullet holes in their forearms where while driving along one of them took a shot at something through the open window but only managed to hit someone's forearm resting on the sill. The roof of the HQ had been patched many times from where a firearm was accidentally discharged.
The trio drove along,dropping their empty XXXX bottles on the floor so that eventually their feet couldn't touch the floor. Shooting at anything from asylum seekers to animals that looked like POOFS they couldn't be happier. The only thing that troubled LIH was his lack of punting success. That's why he went to Da Judge's.
And at Da Judge's that day he wasn't getting much satisfaction. Da Judge had an idea. 'Hey you know DA is pretty good betting on Rugby. Maybe he can help?' LIH was not impressed. 'FCKK THAT. Rugby's a POOFS game. Private school POOFS and shirtlifters. No thank you. No offence DA.' 'What about you try Glen Polletts Mounting Yard Mail. It's only $33. I hear he has a winner on the odd occasion'. LIH was still not impressed,'Who the FCKK is Glenn Pollett? You don't mean that ugly cnnt from the Punters Show that's always raving on about TQ so he can FCKK her? Thanks but no thanks. You Sydney CNNTS are all low dogs and POOFTAS. Can all GO AND GET FCKKED!! I'm going back to Queensland. Gods Country. NO POOFS. NO DAPTO DOGS. NO RUGBY .NO TRAPPIST ROCKSH1T CAT PISS. Just XXXX. Youse are all CNNTS!!!'
EarlyCrow watched LIH go out to his ute muttering oaths and looked on in amazement as the angry banana bender got a 410 Mossberg shotgun out and blew Da Judge's letterbox into a thousand pieces. 'Cooool' thought EarlyCrow.
The previous Sunday LIH accompanied by his father and brother went on one of their many hunting expeditions. Three across the bench seat of an HQ ute. Two pig hunting dogs in the back. These dogs,one a bull terrier cross kelpie and the other some kind of pitty cross learnt everything about hunting from their master,and as a consequence had so far had killed as many pigs on a Sunday as LIH had winners on a Saturday. Usually upon hearing the approach of a wild boar the pair would make haste to the front seat of the ute, the pittie actually putting his paws on the steering wheel and willing the vehicle to get them the hell out of there.
The three Queenslanders considered huntin' with very wide strokes on a broad canvas. If anyone asked what they were huntin' they invariably replied 'feral pigs'. The truth of the matter is that they actually just liked shooting their guns and killing things. Anything really. Roos, sheep ,cattle,wombats,koalas,native birds,pet dogs and cats,road signs. They were terrible shots and most of their kills came from running over things with the ute. They liked nothing better than knocking down a roo then jumping out and bashing the fckk out of it with their bare hands. It was considered a successful trip if they managed not to shoot each other. All three had bullet holes in their forearms where while driving along one of them took a shot at something through the open window but only managed to hit someone's forearm resting on the sill. The roof of the HQ had been patched many times from where a firearm was accidentally discharged.
The trio drove along,dropping their empty XXXX bottles on the floor so that eventually their feet couldn't touch the floor. Shooting at anything from asylum seekers to animals that looked like POOFS they couldn't be happier. The only thing that troubled LIH was his lack of punting success. That's why he went to Da Judge's.
And at Da Judge's that day he wasn't getting much satisfaction. Da Judge had an idea. 'Hey you know DA is pretty good betting on Rugby. Maybe he can help?' LIH was not impressed. 'FCKK THAT. Rugby's a POOFS game. Private school POOFS and shirtlifters. No thank you. No offence DA.' 'What about you try Glen Polletts Mounting Yard Mail. It's only $33. I hear he has a winner on the odd occasion'. LIH was still not impressed,'Who the FCKK is Glenn Pollett? You don't mean that ugly cnnt from the Punters Show that's always raving on about TQ so he can FCKK her? Thanks but no thanks. You Sydney CNNTS are all low dogs and POOFTAS. Can all GO AND GET FCKKED!! I'm going back to Queensland. Gods Country. NO POOFS. NO DAPTO DOGS. NO RUGBY .NO TRAPPIST ROCKSH1T CAT PISS. Just XXXX. Youse are all CNNTS!!!'
EarlyCrow watched LIH go out to his ute muttering oaths and looked on in amazement as the angry banana bender got a 410 Mossberg shotgun out and blew Da Judge's letterbox into a thousand pieces. 'Cooool' thought EarlyCrow.
Is this a young LIH in Bali?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffyWgC5meuQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffyWgC5meuQ
To the person who complained to Betfair and had a post removed please can you come on here and explain why? Since about only 9 people view the forum that narrows it down a bit. Please just let me know what offended you so much you had to complain to BF. It's got me beat.
Mr Machine, I think it might have been judgey that complained, I think he is dirty on the fact that you know he is fat and bald
im sure your Trilby covers the bare head and the tweed jacket if only done up by 2 buttons would cover the belly
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