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'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers, tae ma feet.'
~ ~ ~
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan, where you fae?'
~ ~ ~
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke.
'That's affa dear,'
~ ~ ~
What about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's a wa' noo.
~ ~ ~
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
~ ~ ~
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
~ ~ ~
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator; who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, a’hm in here masel,'.
~ ~ ~
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
‘Aye’ he says: 'But that's why I love you like a doo.'
~ ~ ~
I just met a Scottish Red Indian.
Hawkeye The Noo.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
~ ~ ~
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
~ ~ ~
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'
~ ~ ~
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Central Station?
It's called… The Aw' Needin' Line.
~ ~ ~
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?',
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he says.
~ ~ ~
A wee Glasgow man walking down Argyle Street spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
‘Aye? Same as masel. But you really should’nae be drivin’
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers, tae ma feet.'
~ ~ ~
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan, where you fae?'
~ ~ ~
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke.
'That's affa dear,'
~ ~ ~
What about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's a wa' noo.
~ ~ ~
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
~ ~ ~
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
~ ~ ~
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator; who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, a’hm in here masel,'.
~ ~ ~
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
‘Aye’ he says: 'But that's why I love you like a doo.'
~ ~ ~
I just met a Scottish Red Indian.
Hawkeye The Noo.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
~ ~ ~
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
~ ~ ~
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'
~ ~ ~
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Central Station?
It's called… The Aw' Needin' Line.
~ ~ ~
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?',
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he says.
~ ~ ~
A wee Glasgow man walking down Argyle Street spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
‘Aye? Same as masel. But you really should’nae be drivin’
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 A wee woman who moved from Govan to Morningside when marrying bumps into an old school friend on Princes Street,50 years later.She invites Effy to high tea where they catch up on their lives,she asks Effy "Are you going on vacation this year Effy"Effy "Aye hen wir gawn tae Maggorca,me an Josie" Friend "You mean Mayorca with Hose' Effie,the J is silent",when are you going? Effy "Either Hoon or Huly" |
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I thought the Walt Disney joke might have appeared acey....
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A Scottish man take his girlfriend home and says to his da this is Amanda his dad says you what!!
Every One Winner !! |
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I was on holiday in Botswana when arrested by Game Rangers,the caught me coming around a bend in the river on the back of a wildebeest.The judge agreed that as the sport was run by friends of Sir Alex from Govan that perhaps only Scots would understand White Water Gnu'ing!!
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Tatts obviously means the Guy Disney one acey,Guy rides horses and sings,Bing Disney!!!
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Btw the wildebeest was called och aye (the gnu).
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Btw the wildebeest was called och aye (the gnu).
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The opposite of soot = sin.........e.g where's the dug.
Dougie reverting to his Cristian name when his greyhound died,Dugless. |
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Fit
Ffs…..dreadful….imo… Banff area….boys are called loons…ffs… Through in the back room……Ben the back…..ffs |
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Many moons ago acey,Dave Nevison had been racing at Ayr,went to a night club and a girl waltzed up and said "Dance". Dave said "I'm alright love just having a drink".He hadn't realised it was an order not a request.
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Aberdeen Quixall,not regional to Banff,rumour being put about by stewB that a loon is a bird to deflect his penchant for a loon!!!
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Another stewB faux pax in the Stags Heed..........he sidled up to a girl he did not know was English.
StewB "Fit like" Girl "Fukc off you scummy old pervert" Stews mate "I see what you mean when you bet she would know you" |
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StewB walks into his gay pub in Aberdeen,blood streaming from his snout.
Rupert asks "Are you hurt my love"? StewB "What the fukc do you think"? Rupert "I meant your nose dear not that blow up doll you call Miss Stew that keeps going down on you" StewB "I walked into a fuking bar ok"? Rupert "You poor dear,what bar"? StewB "The fukcing scaffold in front of the sex shop,then they tried to charge me another £20" Rupert "Are they still claiming Miss Stew is the luxury model because she keeps going down on you"? StewB "See those two flies above the bar" |
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WTF is going on acey?
Humza head of SNP? FFS what next.......ministers with bacon on the heed= Ham ed. Measles- Rash heed. Lawn mower and bacon= Mow Ham ed. What next Yehudi McEwan? |
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After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.' Thats a belter bravo! |
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A busking piper in Edinburgh when an American tourist reaches under the kilt.
She "Man thats gruesome" Piper "Dae it again hen,its jist grew some more" |
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