Jokes only understood by Scots...

'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers, tae ma feet.'
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A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan, where you fae?'
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A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke.
'That's affa dear,'
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What about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's a wa' noo.
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After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
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Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
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A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator; who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, a’hm in here masel,'.
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While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
‘Aye’ he says: 'But that's why I love you like a doo.'
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I just met a Scottish Red Indian.
Hawkeye The Noo.
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What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
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How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
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A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'
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Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Central Station?
It's called… The Aw' Needin' Line.
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While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?',
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he says.
~ ~ ~
A wee Glasgow man walking down Argyle Street spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
‘Aye? Same as masel. But you really should’nae be drivin’