General Betting
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Today the financial and betting worlds were set ablaze by the announcement of a shock merger between the London Stock Exchange and The Sporting Exchange, the Queen’s award for Enterprise winning company known to the public as “Betfair”.
Both firms have been trading at a discount to their peers, and plan to jointly enhance their products, cut more costs, and secure a compound annual growth rate of 40%, 50% or 60% over the next year.
London Stock Exchange spokesman Pete Remium – “We were looking for ways to increase profitability of the London Stock Exchange, and were attracted to merge with Betfair, after they proposed we hide share prices, offering customers a small yellow button, which will only when actually sought out and clicked give them access to the normal market. Buying and selling shares has been too complicated for too long in this country, and if customers had a simple ShareBook upon logging in, where they could buy shares at some of the great value prices offered by a new internal crack trading team, they would avoid all the complications of the old system of buying and selling at market price”.
Betfair’s new spokesman Mr D. Trotter highlighted how the new approach would revolutionise share trading. “I was speaking to my uncle Albert, about sensible investing in the stock market, but all I could hear was stories of U boats and giant squid. What a wally brain. The old system made you feel like a turkey who’s just caught Bernard Matthews grinning at him. Gordon Bennett.” When pressed upon his thoughts on growth and profitability forecasts for the new LSE/BF merged company, he stated “With this new ShareBook, this time next year we’ll be millionaires”.
Analyst Lee Each of Barclays Capital – “Under the old system, institutions and investors were winning at far too fast a rate. It makes perfect sense for the stock exchange to internalise trading, making it harder for traditional winners to win. Why let the man on the street lose value to companies who pay for analysts and quants, when the London Stock Exchange can internalise value extraction? First Betfair claimed to have killed bookmakers, now the new ShareBook model can help kill traditional stock markets too.
French investor R. Bitrageur sounded a note of caution though, warning that the new business was in fact in place there. “Here in La France we have a lot of CAC already”.
Analysts have placed a “Bye” rating on all of the LSE and Betfair’s competitors.
Both firms have been trading at a discount to their peers, and plan to jointly enhance their products, cut more costs, and secure a compound annual growth rate of 40%, 50% or 60% over the next year.
London Stock Exchange spokesman Pete Remium – “We were looking for ways to increase profitability of the London Stock Exchange, and were attracted to merge with Betfair, after they proposed we hide share prices, offering customers a small yellow button, which will only when actually sought out and clicked give them access to the normal market. Buying and selling shares has been too complicated for too long in this country, and if customers had a simple ShareBook upon logging in, where they could buy shares at some of the great value prices offered by a new internal crack trading team, they would avoid all the complications of the old system of buying and selling at market price”.
Betfair’s new spokesman Mr D. Trotter highlighted how the new approach would revolutionise share trading. “I was speaking to my uncle Albert, about sensible investing in the stock market, but all I could hear was stories of U boats and giant squid. What a wally brain. The old system made you feel like a turkey who’s just caught Bernard Matthews grinning at him. Gordon Bennett.” When pressed upon his thoughts on growth and profitability forecasts for the new LSE/BF merged company, he stated “With this new ShareBook, this time next year we’ll be millionaires”.
Analyst Lee Each of Barclays Capital – “Under the old system, institutions and investors were winning at far too fast a rate. It makes perfect sense for the stock exchange to internalise trading, making it harder for traditional winners to win. Why let the man on the street lose value to companies who pay for analysts and quants, when the London Stock Exchange can internalise value extraction? First Betfair claimed to have killed bookmakers, now the new ShareBook model can help kill traditional stock markets too.
French investor R. Bitrageur sounded a note of caution though, warning that the new business was in fact in place there. “Here in La France we have a lot of CAC already”.
Analysts have placed a “Bye” rating on all of the LSE and Betfair’s competitors.
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Replies: 9
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"Crack trading team." That makes me laugh so much every time I hear it.
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:)
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bonnet de douche
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That would never happen as it would just legitimize share trading as a healthy, meaningful occupation.
Btw I do like the " R. Bitrageur" non de plume. Very clever. |
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quality
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Very good.
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Ground breaking Mr Briggs.
Coming soon to a Grot shop near you I presume? They come to Betfair in the hope that they won't be ridiculed as mug punters, but as human beings who are bewildered at the complexity of taking prices and offering prices, castrated by the conformity of a century of fixed odds betting, yet dwarfed by the immensity of backing and laying in a betting industry which has advanced more in ten years than in the rest of human existence put together, so that when they take their first tentative steps into a betting arena shaped by humans but not for humans, their personalities shrivel up like private parts in an April sea. We reassure and comfort them by taking them back to the fixed odds arena, but make them think they are at the forefront of value and innovation on an exchange. |
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Never underestimate the intelligence of the masses.
BF seems to be doing that in spades. |