Alan Partridge style commentary

SHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

"As we look down on these cyclists they look somewhat like cattle. Except cattle on bikes."

"And I dont know what this man is playing at, there's no way, surely the judges will come down on that like a ton of bricks, carrying bikes on top of the car is NOT a sportsmanlike way to run this race..."
"Claus Binn there, with his gristle-like muscly legs, in his lycra shorts which have become his trademark"
"Sven Goonsen wins there, ahead of his great friend and teammate Claus Binn...and yes, the man with the bikes on his car has been disqualified, as I said"

AND ANOTHER

"A friend of mine said to me recently, 'what do you get if you cross a ballerina and a bastard?'
Ballesteros was his answer.
Of course, if you analyze it, Seve combines the qualities of both those animals; the lithe sophistication and nimbleness of a ballerina, with the hardnosed, ruthless thuggery of a bastard.
Ballesteros".