Your best limericks..........

I know of an internet forum
Which distinctly lacks in decorum
It's members were in clover
Until the right wing took over
And made it their mission to bore 'em

Oh dear little Flo, I love you so
Especially in your nightie
When the moonlight flits
Across your tits
Oh Jesus Christ almighty. (Courtesy of Derek & Clive)

For @SlippyBlue
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVdctus20c8

There was a young man of Bengal.
Who had a mathematical ball.
He added to C the square root of E.
And found out the log of f'all.

Thank you for that Ramruma , I used to listen to all the Derek and Clive albums when I was a youngster with a Camberwell carrot on the go of course laughing my head off!

There was a young man from Devizes
whose ba lls were of two different sizes
One was small and no good at all
The other was huge and won prizes.

I believe I was about fourteen when I first heard that and embarrassingly at 67 it still makes me giggle

From Primary school

There was a young man from Brazil
He swallowed a dynamite pill
His heart retired his rse backfired
And his d i c k shot over the hill

There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She layed on her back and opened her crack
And pis s ed all over the ceiling

There was a young girl from Barking Creek
Who had her period twice a week
Said her friend from Woking how provoking
You get no poking so to speak

There was a bohemian monk
He fell to sleep in his bunk
He dreamt that Venus was sucking his elbow
And he woke up covered in perspiration

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10 thousand volts shot up its ass
And turned it's wool to nylon

Mary had a little lamb
Which used to go for frollocks
It tried to jump the garden gate
But landed on its bollocks

There was a young man from Cape Cod
Who put his own mom in a pod
His name.... It was Tucker
The bugger the flucker
The bleeder the bastard the sod

There was a young man from Dundee
Who was stung on the nose by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He said not very much
It can do it again if it likes

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his johnny was torn

There once was a boxer called Bruno
Whose interview catchphrase was "You know
what I mean Harry?"
But Harry didn't tarry
To tell if he don't know or do know.

There was a young lady from Slough,
Who last year developed a cough,
She wasn't to know,
It would last until now,
Let's hope the poor girl will pull through.

A lesbian girl from Khartoum,
Took a gay boy to her room.
When she switched off the light,
He said "let's get this right,
Who does what and how and to whom?"

http://wychwood.wikidot.com/songbook-that-was

There was a young lady from Bude.
Who went for a swim in the lake.
A man in a punt.
Stuck a pole in her ear.
And said you can't swim here its private.

Nebs,Knight Commander,Lovegod all hilarious

Mary had a little lamb
It was always grunting
She tied it to a five bar gate
And kicked it's.....................(can't remember the rest)

There once was a fellow called Dennis
Allegedly somewhat of a menace
Broke into a flat
Stole  a dog and a cat
And an unusual motorised pennis.

Sky sports racing is the fcking pits
Tolerating hammond, apiafi and fitz
Not forgetting Jamie Lynch, talking non stop piss
But worse of all is that ad with Harry Twitch

I wrote this in a Year 7 English class.  To my dismay, none of my classmates knew who Hermann Goering was.

There was an old man from Berlin
Who said "I am full up with sin".
He said "I'm so nasty"
"For I am a Nazi"
And my name is Hermann Goering.

They say there's a man of the book
Who boasts a distinctive look
Whilst plotting great harm
He blew off his arm
Since when he has sported a hook

Mary had a little lamb,
On her farm near Pontypridd,
But Jones the beast
Ran off with it,
He's up in court next week.

Mary had another lamb,
She gave it lots of feed,
Then sold it to an Arab man,
Who cut its throat on Eid.

A couple of classics I knocked out in early April in honour of Jill Ha'penny showing us her thrupp'nies & tuppence.

There was a nice lady called Jill
Who gave all us men a cheap thrill.
She showed us her beaver
Which I don't believe her
Partner would want us to fill.

To a lady named Jill I give thanks
For being the muse for my wånks.
Believe it or not
It's good to see what
A Geordie lass keeps in her pants.

This was my father's favourite.


There was a young man from Brighton

Who said to his girl you're a tight one

She said, 'pon my soul

You're in the wrong hole

There's plenty of room in the right one!

Here are a few that I remember from the past.

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Whose manners she must have forgotten 'em
At tea in the vicars
She took off her knickers
And said that she felt too hot in 'em.

The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool
And said "If I play will you sing?"

When I dined with the Duchess of Dee
She said "Do you fart when you pee?"
I said "Not a bit
Do you belch when you sh1t?"
And I thought that was one up to me.

There was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea
Said the maid "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming"
Said the plumber still plumbing "It's me!"

Kamikaze - if my father had told me that I think I might have died.

my favourite Limerick is  the one in Munster  .... went there  a few years ago and what a strange experience ...i've never visited the 1950s  but it felt like a 1950s American deep south  tumbleweed city going  from what ive seen on films etc

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
Then Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own

Twas up in the belfry the Bell Ringer sat
Jerkin his Gherkin & thinking of t w@t
From down in the pulit the vicar did tell
Stop jerkin thy Gherkin & ring th'phukking bell

I backed a'horse at sixteen to one,
It was 8's at the off, and it won,
The man from the tote
closed me down, the old scrote,
He said we can't have you having such fun.

Liverpud-lian 'enery Krank
Cannot go anywhere, without having a w@nk
The sight of all those pretty, and nubile Scousers
Has him ee-jack-ulating in his trousers

There was a young man from Bombay
Who moulded a tw@t out of clay
He phucked it so quick it turned into brick
And wore all his 4skin away

A fine looking lady from porthnoo
Uttered as the bishop withdrew
I prefer the vicar
He's quicker and slicker
And half an inch thicker
Than you

There was a young fellow from Ankara
Who was a terrific ****er
Till he sowed his wild oats
With the help of a goat
But he didn’t even stop to thankera

w@nkerer

Absolutely disgustin' most of 'em.......

Absolutely disgustin' most of 'em.......

There was a young lady from Scorton
Who had a long t!t and a short 'un
In addition to that a big hairy ttw@t
And a f@rt like a 500 Norton

The gangs in Brum used to carry razors
And that didn't really faze us
But now its a machete
Waved around at Star City
But luckily the police have Tazers

The boy stood on the burning deck
a pocket full of crackers
a spark flew up his trouser leg
and blew off his kna*kers

The boy stood on the burning deck picking his nose like mad.
Rolling them into little balls.
And throwing them at his dad.

No strictly a limerick but there you go.

The once was the Prince of Orange
Feck

I see what you did there Crispy

There was a young lady called Duff
Who had a luxuriant muff
In his haste to get in her
One avid begginer
Lost  both of his balls in the Rough.

Mary had a Pencil skirt with splits right up the sides
And every where that Mary went the boys could see her Thighs
She also had a Pencil skirt with a split right up the front
But she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
She put it in a basin
And every time it came out
She'd kick its fekn face in.