You want to see what I saw in the center of Manchester

One man had a flock of sheep and was watering them in the fountain

I told a policeman and all he could say was do you know how many policmen the Manchester police force have lost to GOVERMENT cuts

He said he only had one pair of hands and was busy looking  for a  cobra that had escaped from a snake charmers wicker basket while he went to mcdonalds to get a big Mac for his dinner
The policeman said the public don't realise what they have to put up with .

There were people lying  on the grass in the sun in piccadily gardens, taking advantage of the sun and their being no police in sight .drinking their stolen spirits from Morrisons

People from all over Africa  were standing in the gardens swaping small packages with each other and then swapping them with English people too.It must be part of their culture to swap gifts

too funny Mr Do wah Diddy.......no ice creams vans there ?

There was lots of foreign people also putting their hands in shoppers bags for life.they looked to me if they were trying to be friendly and trying to integrate but it was the British shoppers who didn't want to integrate as they were pulling their bags away from them and being horrible to them

There was no ice cream sellers but you could buy a water bubble gun .that produced bubbles of all size from a man on a trolley .
Or an umbrella that had the inscription my young son went to live in England and all he sent me back was this umbrella

You could get a hot donner kebab from a Pakistan lady .or if you was prepared to wait an hour you could get a cold one

There was a witch doctor who promised  women he had a perfume  that would put their husbands off sex for life .
He was doing a roaring trade .I never realised there  were that many women who didn't want their husbands to approach them for sex

There's still some nice English people one man pulled up in  a van and gave an homeless man hope when he gave him an old fridge for when he got a home.and promised him that it would work if he could fix a plug to it

The same man tipped a ton of soil next to another homeless man at the back of Asda and told him he could grow his own vegetables in the soil ,if he cleared all the old wallpaper and plaster off it

The last time I was in Salford I went into a Londis, they were selling 'I Can't Believe It's Not Crack Cocaine', it was half the price of the real stuff and not bad, until I shat out half my insides the day after.

Even the beggers were nice and polite and well mannered .they said have a nice day even if you didn't give them your spare change .and even if they didn't mean it they were very good actors

Yes there's one seller who is that worried about his customers not being able to get the supplies they need .That he's not bothered about himself getting arrested after he's been jailed four times .he keeps returning to make sure his customers are supplied and  kept happy by getting what they need

That's how Salford dealers have care in the community

Sid the spice dealer gives all his customers at Christmas .a free  inscribed pen with his opening times

Last night and this is true i was comeing home from my grandchildrens house late at night when it was dark and there was a group of about 10  well mannered African people with cases and carrier bags .all moving into my area .and I never saw a single one of them drop any litter on the floor

The people of Salford are really nice people their moving out of their houses where TheVE lived for many years to let the lesser unfortunate people from Africa and Asia move in .You can say what you want about the Salford people .but when they see huge numbers of less  fortunate people from third world countries wanting to live in their community they move out as fast as they can.

They are not preducised in Salford there's even a British legion that fly's the Ugandan national flag on national Ugandan day

I once saw a goat tied up outside a shop on Langworthy Rd, I presumed it was either going in a curry or was for a ritual sacrifice. It was a Friday and I thought they only eat fish on Fridays.

As an interested bystander from oz and a potential future tourist to the UK is any of this stuff actually true?

I had some people knocking on the door the other day asking if I wanted to sell my house. If they come back I will let them know it's nice in Salford and there are houses for sale.

The mayor of Salford is from Kenya and he is doing his best to get the Africans and British to integrate by holding a Africa meets Britain bingo night in the Methodist church  of  at Paul's church .

He's even running a free prize draw of two tickets to knowsly Safari park .from the ratepayers of Salford council tax fund

Last xmas someone from a charity knocked on my door and asked if I would have  Biafran for xmas, I said no thanks we are having Turkey.

The cammi kiser drinking machine .you and your kangaroo will be made welcome in Salford so long as your kangaroo is trained not to jump over garden fences when the neighbours are holding a barbeque in their garden .

It would be a nice jesture for you to have a boomerang booze-up to get to know your neigh hours better all so .you can get to know all their business when they get drunk

"As an interested bystander from oz and a potential future tourist to the UK is any of this stuff actually true"?

As someone with very many years on here, I can pretty much say it is true!

DwD's posts on here (particularly with no comments from others) are legendary....he is, in fact, a leg end in hid own lunchtime!

I have suggested to him, more than once, and in sincerity, that he is missing a golden opportunity, to cobble up all of his off the wall stuff into a paperback and, who knows, maybe a hardback, which would sell by £zillions at Christmas!

I am familiar with Do Wah's work just wondering if I should steer clear of Manchester on my tour.

One of the top events in Manchester is Ramadan in rusholme .it's where families from all faiths meet in the park and all fast together it's free to take part and the homeless are welcome

Don't visit Manchester when the tides in .as that's the main time when all the boats arrive with all the free economic migrants places like McDonald's and Kentucky fried chicken and subway will be chocker blocked and it will be hard to get a seat to sit down .and sometimes they run out of toilet paper with the huge demand

Got to go now .it's the Salford flower show .I'm not going to see the flowers I'm going to take my litter to the rubbish bins outside the park it's one of the few days they empty them

Ps platt fields is a must ,if your interested in history the toilets look the same today as they did fifty years ago .as no one from the council comes to clean or repair them .
You can see them look like something out of a Charles Dickens scene .like when David Copperfield visited the big house that had been untouched by human hands since the lady who owned it had left it since her betrothed stood her up on her wedding day .there's hundreds of cobwebs there just like there was in Dickens novels .some one told me Halloween xx1 the ultimate experience  film is going to be filmed there if they can manage to unsuperglue the locks on the doors of two of the cubicles

PPS if the kamee karzee drinker is a woman .I would recommend you don't wear a miniskirt while visiting platf fields as you will be sending the wrong message out to certain elements of the public .

Ppps don't paddle in the boating lake unless your wearing a good solid pair of working safety boots.no matter how inviting it looks on a dark summers night .as you will probably not drown as it's shallow but you will most probably step on a drug needle or beer can

Do wah - thanks for the laughs. bigmo has competition!

Reminds me of Dave Allen, not sure why..funny though..

India v Pakistan @ Old Trafford 10.30am

Setting the scene, ticket touts standing in the rain asking £800 per ticket for the most over-subscribed match in history. Fans from all over Yorkshire & Birmingham mingle with painted faces and photos of girls in care homes on their phones.

Ethiopian serenaders belt out hypnotic tunes on instruments made from scrap metal and teeth whilst caucasian Uber drivers get to earn some cash. Plod are in huge numbers on Warwick Rd, pubs are shut for the day whilst the halal KFC @ White City has brought in 54 extra staff and 4000 extra chickens.

This is more than a cricket match, it will define the countries in the short term and the loser will be ridiculed amongst other 3rd world countries.

I think Pakistan will win the toss @ 10-11