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Could do with a limerick for a chap named Des
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Which foot does he kick with?
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This would be fine Falls Road not as popular on the Shankill
A young girl tells her mum she want to be a prostitute when she grows up Mother says what? A prostitute mum Thank god for that i thought you said protestant. |
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Anything Titanic related should go down well.
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You both might think marriage is a wonderful experience wait until the novelty wears off
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Cant really help re Des, but Wikipedia (surprisingly) was able to offer this limerick.
There was a young man from Nantucket Whose d*ck was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear was a can't I would f*ck it." |
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I see the walks have been postponed this year.
Bad outbreak of Flute & Mouth disease. |
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I wouldn`t say that Des was mean but he takes the battery out of his watch when he goes to bed at night.
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €5,000 to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? |
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BS
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It was Paddy Muldoon, his brother Mouse preferred to keep a cat
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A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?" |
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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" 'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." |
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The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope." So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: Chief, I have a problem. Chief: What sort of problem? Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important. Chief: Important like the mayor? Cop: No, no, much more important than that. Chief: Important like the governor? Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that. Chief: Like the president? Cop: More. Chief: Who's more important than the president? Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him! |
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A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.
They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!" Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...." |
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There was a young man called Des
Who tried on a magical fez He though it gave wishes But he now just does dishes As that's what her indoors says |
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Not bad Just Checking....
trying to get the marriage bit in there, hes the brides dad |
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Great jokes, Angoose.
 Need to be put on the jokes thread. |
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An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 90 years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!"
"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest. "I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish" "Then why are you telling me this?" "I'm telling everyone!" |
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. |
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Q. Why can't Anglicans play chess?
A. Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen. |
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I was trying to get the marriage bit in, slight modification:
There was a young man called Des Who tried on a magical fez It gave him three wishes But he'll just be doing dishes Or whatever else the wife says |
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Tell them Gerry Adams hopes it goes with a bang and they have a blast!
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