ARE THERE ANY AIRLINE PILOTS ON HERE

MY FRIEND ALPHONCE ONCE WENT OUT WITH A NICE GIRL WHO WORKED IN DUTY FREE .HE NEVER MARRIED HER .HE FNISHED WITH HER WHEN SHE PUT THE PRICE OF THE LOOSE ROLL TOBACCO POUCHES UP .

ALPHONCE EVEN SAID HE THOUGHT SHE WAS WATERING  DOWN THE BOTTLED WATER THAT SHE USED TO SELL HIM

I know an airline pilot. I'll ask him next time I see him.

He always looks like he could do with a good nights sleep.

So I'll ask him if he ever falls asleep at the wheel as well?

Although the bump when he landed would wake him up.

They take off, they land, it's all automated in between, cushy job if you can get it

ILL NEVER FORGET THE DAY WHEN ALPHONCE HAD A BIG ARGUMENT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND  BECAUSE SHE WAS CARRYING THE SAME HANDBAG AS ALPHONCE .HE SAID HE DIDNT MIND A BIT OF FUN BUT HE WASNT PUTTING UP WITH A PANTOMIME

I KNEW FOR YEARS THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WOULDNT LAST AS SOON AS SHE STOPPED GOING TRAIN SPOTTING WITH HIM

I DO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM SOMETIMES WHEN I THINK OF THE TIMES THEVE HELD HANDS TOGETHER  ON PLATFORM 2 SHARING THEIR SHIPHAMS MEAT PASTE BUTTIES AND FLASK OF COFFEE

HE HAS NO ONE TO MAKE HIS BUTTIES AND FLASK NOW.

HE LOVED HER THAT MUCH  WHEN THEY FIRST  MET .THAT HE EVEN USED TO GIVE HER SOME OF HIS NUMBERS THAT SHE HAD NEVER SEEN FOR HER TO PUT DOWN IN HER NOTE BOOK

HE LOVED HER THAT MUCH  WHEN THEY FIRST  MET .THAT HE EVEN USED TO GIVE HER SOME OF HIS NUMBERS THAT SHE HAD NEVER SEEN FOR HER TO PUT DOWN IN HER NOTE BOOK

HE EVEN USED TO GIVE HER SOME OF HIS NUMBERS THAT SHE HAD NEVER SEEN FOR HER TO PUT DOWN IN HER NOTE BOOK

That's cheating - train spotters aren't supposed to do that.

HE CRIED WHEN I RECALLED THAT STORY .I SAID DONT WORRY ALPHONCE YOULL FIND ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND  .HE SAID ITS ALL RIGHT YOU SAYING THAT BUT YOU TRY AND FIND ONE WHO WILL PAY FOR BOTH OF YOU ON FOR THE TRAIN FARE TO CREWE

HE CRIED WHEN I RECALLED THAT STORY .I SAID DONT WORRY ALPHONCE YOULL FIND ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND  .HE SAID ITS ALL RIGHT YOU SAYING THAT BUT YOU TRY AND FIND ONE WHO WILL PAY FOR BOTH OF YOU ON FOR THE TRAIN FARE TO CREWE

THE ONLY AIRCRAFT PILOT I EVER SPOKE TO WAS AT COURT WHEN I ASKED HIM WHAT CAR HE WAS DRIVING WHEN HE GOT CAUGHT.AND REPLIED A JUMBO JET.

I SAID WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU GET A BAN .HE SAID THE FIRST TWO FAVS AT HAYDOCK AND THE LAST TWO  AT RIPON .IM HAVING A YANKEE .BUT IM GOING IN THE PUB FIRST .AND EVEN IF I DONT GET A BAN IM STILL DOING THE SAME

HE GOT BANNED FOR LIFE AND I WENT TO THE PUB WITH HIM .HE TOLD ME THE QUICKEST ROUTE TO BARBADOS .CUBA.CHINA SINGAPORE AND SEVERAL OTHER DESTINATIONS I SAID ITS A WASTE OF TIME TELLING ME .HE SAID WHY HAVE YOU GOT A SAT NAV.I SAID NO IVE GOT NO MONEY TO GET ME THERE EVEN WITH THE SLOWEST ROUTE TIMES.

I THINK HE FELT SORRY FOR ME .HE STARTED CRYING .I SAID DONT CRY OVER ME HAVING NO MONEY .HE SAID HE WAS CRYING BECAUSE IT WAS LAST ORDERS AND THE PUB HAD RUN OUT OF HIS FAVOURITE WHISKY

I TOLD HIM ABOUT AA BUT HE SAID HE WAS THINKING OF GETTING A JOB AT MCDONALDS.I SAID NO AA ALCOHOLICS ANNONOMOUSE HE SAID HES NOT WORKING THERE WITH A LOAD OF DRUNKS HADNT I BEEN LISTENING TO ANYTHING HE'D SAID.

I TOLD HIM ABOUT AA BUT HE SAID HE WAS THINKING OF GETTING A JOB AT MCDONALDS.I SAID NO AA ALCOHOLICS ANNONOMOUSE HE SAID HES NOT WORKING THERE WITH A LOAD OF DRUNKS HADNT I BEEN LISTENING TO ANYTHING HE'D SAID.

Its always quicker coming back home from Spain on a plane to the UK because its all downhill.

EMR, it takes longer to fly back from Spain because the wind is against them.

And of course there's the extra weight from all the gifts that people have bought on holiday in the hold.

Plus everybody is heavier coming back as well.

I ASKED HIM HOW THEY FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD DRANK TOO MUCH ALCOHOL .HE SAID HIS ITALIAN CO PILOT HAD GOT IN TOUCH WITH AIRPORT SECURITY

I SAID WHAT DID HE ACTUALLY SAY AND HE REPLIED

HE SAID TO SECURITY

MYA COA PILOTA ISA OVERA THEA ALCOHOLA LIMITA IA CANA SMELLA ITA ONA HISA BREATHA

I SAID WHAT DID SECURITY SAY .HE SAID I DONT KNOW I WAS COCENTRATING ON THE CONTROL PANEL .THEM SWITCGES ALL LOOKED THE SAME WHEN YOUVE DAD A DRINK .ITS HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WINSCREEN WIPER BLADE SWITCH AND THE ENGINE STARTER SWITCH

I SAID DO YOU HAVE ANY TROUBLE WITH THE SWITCHES WHEN YOUVE NOT DRANK ALCOHOL .HE SAID YES I GET WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMMS AND WITH MY HANDS SHAKING .I CANT REAS

I CANT KEEP THEM STILL ENOUGH TO TURN THE T V SWITCH ON FOR THE PASSENGERS

I TOLD HIM TO SEEK HELP FOR HIS DRINK PROBLEM .BUT HE SAID HE COULDNT GET AN APPOINTMENT WITH HIS DOCTOR FOR TWO WEEKS

I SAID WHY WAS IT BECAUSE OF ALL THESE PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES TAKING UP ALL THE APPOINTMENTS .

HE SAID NO HIS DOCTOR WAS IN REHAB FOR HIS DRUG ADDICTION .AND THE ONLY OTHER DOCTOR AVAILABLE WAS HAVING HIS SMART METER FITTED BY THE ELECTRICITY BOARD IN HIS HOUSE

To clarify I'm not laughing at the plight of your pilot friend or his doctors.

THE ONLY OTHER DOCTOR AVAILABLE WAS HAVING HIS SMART METER FITTED BY THE ELECTRICITY BOARD IN HIS HOUSE

Brilliant! Vintage Do wah!

How do them planes see in the fog??

Do Wah,And you will never see the airport policeman checking how much tread is left on the aeroplane tyres or asking the pilot to show it's MOT certificate.

This is your captain speaking.

You are now flying at 20,000 feet and the port side engine is on fire.

I'm flying at 10,000 feet in my parachute - good luck.

Never knew you were once a pilot Dr Crippen.

that has the ring of truth about it

Q. - How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?

A. - He'll tell you.

http://www.urcaptainspekin.com/pilot_humor.htm

That's true as well, I know a pilot and he always manages to get the conversation around to his job.