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18 Sep 17
21:16
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Date Joined:
03 Jun 07
According to the bbc these maybe the best one liners ever, maybe one is decent.
12 Great One Liners
Here are twelve classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?
Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”
Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”
Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."
Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”
Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”
Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”
Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"
Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
12 Great One Liners
Here are twelve classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?
Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”
Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”
Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."
Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”
Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”
Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”
Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"
Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
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I saw joan rivers vegas
ripped into Hollywood stars I was in tears |
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You can't spell advertisements without $emen between the tit$
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Siemens have purchased so many companies in the uk, its silly.
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The wife is fine, the kids have dementia!
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A mate of mine spent the summer on an archeological dig in Crete.
Mate, "We put the Minoan civilization back 300 years." Me, "So, you had a good time." |
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I was halfway through eating a horse when I realised I wasn't that hungry.
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Was out for a few drinks with my boss and a very wealthy customer(Spurs season ticket holder)
He commented that it was a pity a Scottish colleague could not join us. My boss bought a round then I did then back to my boss then me The greedy Spurs bloke never put his hand in his pocket once I told him the only difference between him and our missing Scottish chum was a foreskin.  |
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2 from the great Bob Monkhouse.
People laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. I'm still enjoying sex at 74. It's no distance, I live at 68. |
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Best Woody Allen one liner is when he is in a taxi with a woman and says "You look so beautiful I can barely take my eyes off the meter!"
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surely '..barely keep my eyes on the meter'
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Tommy Cooper: "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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