Money saving tips.

Save a fortune on laundry bills by giving your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50p

Save money when out shopping by wearing a big overcoat with lots of inside pockets.

When out shoplifting walk backwards into shops so that if you get caught by store security when the CCTV footage is rewound you can prove you had already left the shop before the crime was committed.

Don't waste money on an expensive pair of binoculars, merely stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Don't waste your cash buying your lady an expensive vibrator..get hold of a cigar tube and put some jam in the base.
This will attract many wasps..when there is loads of them secure the top of the tube....Voila..loads of angry wasps
make this a great vibrator.(borrowed from viz 1982)

Cut down on all living costs. Go to the butcher, get a pig's carcass and take it into the local mosque. You will be transported to one of Her Majesty's hotels with free bed and board, 3 square meals a day with no utility bills or tv licence to pay. To extend this superb arrangement, just throw your bedding on the floor and shout Mullah Milkybar and your expenses free life will continue!

M People fans - don't buy the album; merely purchase the single and play it 10 times.

Don't buy lots of carpet to fit all your floors. Just buy 2 smalls squares of carpet and glue them
to the bottom of your slippers.

If you can't sleep at night, don't get expensive prescriptions for sedatives, buy a copy of the French Lieutenant's Woman by John Fowles or War and Peace by Tolstoy for  10p in a charity shop and read it in bed. I defy anyone to stay awake for more than 5 minutes!

This is becoming ridiculous.

Don't use a whole Brillo pad to scour the saucepan. It'll only go rusty then you'll have to throw it away.
Simply cut it into four, and use a quarter at a time.

Don't bother buying address books - just grab a telephone directory and cross out the names of everyone you don't know!

I think that there just may be a few readers of Viz here...

When visiting a church, never pass the collection plate on your way out without contributing.

Simply leave 50p on the tray, and take £1 change.

Two Shredded Wheat will make a great thatched roof for your bird table

If you can't decide what to have for lunch or dinner, go into a supermarket of your choice and start swearing at the nearest shelf stacker. He will throw something at you and lo and behold, your choice is made!

If you find out you can't have an erection, apply to the council for planning permission and then put up a structure on your land!

Worked with a bloke who always ate an orange after his lunch.
The orange came wrapped in a piece of paper with the importer's trademark on it.
After he'd eaten his orange he always folded the piece of paper up neatly and put it back into his lunch box.
I found one of his wrappers on the floor one day so I threw it in the bin.
He said ''hey I want that.''
I said what for?
He said I use them for toilet paper.

was at my mates house years ago and saw one of his  young kids struggling to get the top off a bottle of lemonade ,i said give it here i will open it for you ,fook me i struggled to get the top undone but eventually opened it and handed it to the young fella and said that was a struggle , yeah said the kid "my dad tightens up the tops with nutcrackers to stop me and my brothers drinking the pop too quickly !

Save money on expensive new railway lines by encouraging people to leave 15 minutes earlier.

Save £39billion by telling Brussels to go f**k them themselves.......................

Save a fortune on swimming pool entrance fees by simply filling your own bath with cold water.  Then tip in a cupful of bleach and piss in the bath before jumping in.

(Probably not verbatim, but my genuine published letter to Viz c. 1990)

when entering a church make sure you are the last one in  put 50 p in the collection plate it should be loaded by then  then put the plate and contents in your pocket and fook off sharpish ,go straight to one of those cash for gold shops and weigh in the plate (they are made of silver ) double bubble ! you will be quids in !

Some great posts here,thanks guys.

Aug 27, 2017 -- 3:19AM, i_agree_with_nick wrote:

Save a fortune on laundry bills by giving your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50p

that's an expensive wash

"Some great posts here"
And only SOME stolen from Viz top tips, who previously had them stolen by .. Macdonalds I think it was and it lead to a "kerfufle"

avoid jet lag , get an earlier flight

save money on expensive lighting ,get a few of those yellow flashing lights they put on rubbish skips at night to stop cars crashing   into them ,put them in your rooms and  with practice you can time it right you can blink in unison with the flash and get free lighting all night . well worth the effort

SHOCKING!:
"McDonald's was accused of plagiarising a number of Viz Top Tips in an advertising campaign they ran in 1996. Some of the similarities are almost word-for-word:[12]
    Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them, and then you can buy them back for 50p. – Viz Top Tip (published May 1989)
    Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to a second-hand shop. They will wash and iron them, and then you can buy them back for 50p. – McDonald's advert
The case was later settled out of court for an undisclosed sum (donated to Comic Relief); 
At around the same time, the following Top Tip was also published:
    McDonald's advertising executives. Why not steal someone else's idea and then claim you overheard it in a bar, you f**king c**ts."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viz_(comics)

Cut out a lifetimes expense by ditching the fiance for her divorced/widowed mother.