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07 May 16
05:18
Joined:
Date Joined:
25 Jan 02
having just told his wife that there were 1 billion cubic mm's in a cubic metre and 1 quintillion in a cubic kilometre his wife said did he know the average density of the universe was less than 1 hydrogen atom per cubic metre. to witch he smiled and said
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"Do you know any spells to make my wife disappear, and where's your familiar?"
I think I'll stay up and look some more through the telescope at Uranus
At that the witch mounted her broomstick, circled the chimney pots twice and flew off in the direction of the moon.
And the husband looked at the moon, and its light hovered over the surface of the lake, and the countless stars overhead,
And he thought he may swim out.
And he thought he may swim out.
The sky was in the lake and he saw the shadow of his wife on her broomstick, more floating than gliding.
Do you know he thought the water does not know what is reflected in it, it is made up of millions of atoms with nothing between them...obviously.
How do those atoms do that! and what is between them if nothing, i don`t know.
Then he thought about the atoms that make up his body and came to the same conclusion.
No wonder the witch can fly, he said to himself, she's using air turbulence to provide the uplift, but what will happen when she approaches the moon?
Then it started raining carnivorous frogs and he panicked and swam towards the shore lest he be eaten by them.
Luckily the witch saw through her big telescope and turned the frogs into Princes Ham
Ahahaha, cackled the witch, I'll reach the barsteward a lesson for introducing turbulent flow into my equations.
The tins of ham bounced off his head causing considerable bruising.
And the husband and wife laughed, and held each other close, they had underestimated the peace and calm of everyday life
They kissed and took each other home, which was rather nice
Thats the main thing, now the weather will be nice tomorrow.
"What's sense and sensibility all about then," 1 enquired.
At which point the universe looked at the unfolding story... the talking about atoms and quarks and decided that intelligence had to be wiped out. NO SENSE OR SENSIBILITY about it. A huge meteorite was redirected using gravity and was swung into the path of earth's orbit. All the scientists screamed and all the sane folks said... thank f@@k it's all over. The madness is all over.
But a group of people did survive this....they were the betfair chit-chatters... we're still here! 
It was a Fray Bentos Pie! The chit-chatters favourite! Hooray...they would be able to eat that night
(Just to say I would never eat a Fray Bentos Pie. Ok, carry on)
As the Fray Bentos pie approached ever closer, it slowly transformed into a spaceship full of Eva Herzigovas in their present form ...
The beautiful spacewoman said she had come to earth to breed with earthlings.
The husband thought would it be right for humanity to reproduce with a beautiful Eva Herzigova from outer space
As Eva approached from the spaceship he felt something swell and grow almost against his will.
It was the bump on the head he had received when the tin of ham had hit him on the head earlier.
Come and lie down in my spaceship said Eva, you will feel better.
lfc1971, not quite understanding the meaning of, "our story only one sentence each. please keep the story flowing" had obviously been protruded by the Evas.
then he woke up covered in sweat and other stuff,'it was all a dream he thought'.
It was at that point, a huge wedge of Port Salut bounced off my bonce.
She was wearing long black boots and dressed in a black jacket and trousers, shiny shiny, shiny boots of leather.
I love things in one colour, monotonous things, he thought to himself.
Eva looked at him quizzically raising an eyebrow and smiled
If you wish i could attend to that er@@tion for you my dear earthling she said
Why he said that i have no idea, but feel sure he was right to do so
Nothing can be more boring than people not being polite to each other.
She reached across and touched his head, and it was miraculous. Where the tin of ham had made his head swell up in a painful bump...she was able to fix it.
Unfortunately, touching him had turned her into Mary Berry
the bees were sexy tame ones and they caressed ma nuts, Cosmic Honey was produced and i sold a batch to Sainsburys as organic coosmic honey as seen on tv with sir Jamie.
He was halfway through his half of Speckled Hen Bitter when in walked a Sailor.......
it was getting bigger and bigger- it was enormous .. God had taken pity and was sending a huge Fray Bentos steak and kidney to feed the survivors - He wasn't bothered about any veggies who are scum and needed to be scourged from the face of the Earth- and it was designed to cook with the friction heat of entry into the earths atmosphere ....all was well, until...
(feck- insert my last post after 8/5/- 11.57)
come to think of it- leave it where it is
come to think of it- leave it where it is
The steak and kidney pie wasn't happy to be left outside the earth's atmosphere, and wished that someone would re-write the script.
You guessed it; they use hammers and chisels to open cans in Norfolk.
This was also the way of the Slomartzians, as young Slomartzian hooligans often stole the keys from Slomartzian corned-beef tins, even if the tins were stacked on the shelves of non-Slomartzian supermarkets.
But fortunately Tescos armed their cans with an anti-Slowmartzian device, and the last living Slowmartzian was arrested for shoplifting, which is why you rarely see Slowmartzians in supermarkets today.
Jed Slowmartzian invented and patented this anti-Slowmartzian device, much to the chagrin of the Eastern Slowmartzian family, who put out a "Sloddo-Slowmartzian" hit on him while he was at the Lingfield All-Weather track, doing a scientific study on the supposed draw bias.
*NOTE - The Eastern Slowmartzian family were not really Slowmartzians at all - they were really Smiths from Reading, but they were intent on claiming Jed Slowmartzian's fortune by foul means.
The proof that this is all true is that there really are Smiths in the Reading phone directory.
But the drawer bias issue remained unsolved – did people prefer the right hand draw or the left and whereabouts should the untensils go?
In a straw poll of 1000 horses, 46% said the knives should go on the right, the forks in the middle, and the manure shovels on the left.
All 1000 horses said "neigh" to the marmalade; they much preferred cereals for breakfast, and also liked to nibble on carrots, which was OK as the carrots didn't seem to mind, except for a small minority of politically correct carrots who demanded equal rights for carrots, which didn't work out too well as the carrots' jockeys kept falling off, and one transvegetable carrot who insisted it was really a parsnip trapped in a carrot's body and wanted everyone who called it a carrot to be arrested and prosecuted for hate crime.
'I wasn't talking to you ' he said, dismissively and turned to commence his intercourse with the naked leggy blue eyed blonde who had welcomely materialised , holding a carrot in a suggestive pose.
It's soooooo easy to be wise he told his missus. Just think of something stupid to say..............and DON'T SAY IT.
There was a sound os silence- and then , as if from afar, the unmistaken satisfying slurpy 'pop' of the opening of an Oxford marmalade jar
It could be heard as far away as Cambridge, where the Cambridge marmalade jars were in intensive training for the annual Oxford/Cambridge marmalade race, but Oxford sabotaged the Cambridge crew by stealing the cox's pippins, much to the cox's displeasure.
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