Time for another very funny joke ... here it is

How* =why did

everybody = not 1 fooker

obv you both layed Six Silver Lane at 1000 ir in the 15:00 at Muss ...

Bad luck, do you want another joke to cheer you up?

I prefer to remain miserable,thanks for the offer .

How everybody laughed when I told them this funny joke.

WERE YOU IN THE LIBRARY......(sorry) at the time?

Aunty ...

where did it all go wrong?  We all used to be happy, carefree, living for the future ... full of hopes and dreams.

Now we've all become very sombre.

I think I had the misfortune to post my funny joke on a day when the lights dimmed, when the summer finally said farewell until next year and when ... Paddy Pooper and BetCrash announced they were getting married ... how the skies are weeping for us all.

"We all used to be happy, carefree, living for the future "....try that when you're knocking on the door of the BIG 70!!!
I wouldn't care, as inside I'm a frisky teenager, but too many years of heartache, aggro, and the demon booze has taken it's toll.

You could well be correct with your assertions, as we do "work" in a volatile industry.

I don't have a wireless mouse, as I break them throwing at the wall, (I said "them" but it was only one).

You wouldn't be out of place in the Edinburgh Fringe meme.

I went to the library and said where are your f***ing Spanish books. There's no need for that language came the reply

I slipped and fell on my ar$e at the far end of the library.....

.....Chuffin' non-friction section

Meme's joke beginning to look not too bad.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on sh1t punchlines.

The librarian directs him to the correct section.

That's got Tim Vine written all over it MMH.
Is it one of his or did you make it up? Made me laugh btw.

aka, neither I wish it was mine  but I just googled 'library jokes'.

A duck walks into a library and whispers, "Got any grapes?"

The librarian, confused, whispers back to the duck "No". The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and whispers, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the librarian whispers back to him, "No -- the library does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the librarian whispers hoarsly, "Listen, duck! This is a library! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the library counter!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then whispers, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the librarian whispers back, "No."

"Good!" whispers the duck. "Got any grapes?"

Usain Bolt walks into a prestigious golf club and asks for a round of golf.  Guy on the counter says "I am afraid this is a whites only golf club sir, but there is a municipal golf course just ten minutes down the road".  Usain says "don't you know who I am?  I'm Usain Bolt".  To which the guy on the counter replies "alright then fkin five minutes"

I am afraid Rob this is a library   jokes thread only sir, but there is a anything goes  jokes thread a little bit further down the page.

Usain Bolt walks into the Arkansas Klan library and asks for a book. Guy on the counter whispers "I am afraid this is a whites only library sir, but the State library is just ten minutes down the road".  Usain says "don't you know who I am?  I'm Usain Bolt".  To which the guy on the counter replies "you'll be there in five minutes then"

Brilliant

Man walked into a library and requested a book on ways to commit suicide.
Librarian refused to lend it to him on the grounds that he wouldn't return it.

I think we getting some traction here (I can say things like that as I used to be a management consultant and we always talked like that (but some were just spinning their wheels)

If you like, I could have a Friday funny joke thread - but every joke would have to be about fish and chips, not libraries, as Friday is fish and chip day.

Here goes ...

"A man walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for the largest cod they have.

The guy behind the counter says, "Okay, it won't be long."

The man replies, "Well, it'd better be a fukcing fat one then!"

(thanks to Google)

Man sprints down the high street and rushes into a fish and chip shop - 30 seconds before the closing time of 11pm.

'Got any chips left, mate?' he gasps.

'Yes', says the man behind the counter.

'Well, you shouldn't have cooked so many', he replies.

Jack, the essence of a joke is that it has to be funny.

But you've entered the spirit of funny Friday, so you get another chance.

Now have another go, but with the focus on funny ... just because it's about chips and it's Friday won't be enough for the forumites.
From experience, they are hard taskmasters and it takes a lot to amuse them (especially if they are having a bad day on the horses (nap)).

GL

Bloke goes into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.

'Do you make fishcakes' he asks.

'Yes' says the fishmonger.

'Well make him one, its his birthday' says the bloke.

mememe,

There is an honourable and long standing jokes thread c/o Bigmo.

On the basis of the original joke in this thread and those following it, I had taken this to be the not very funny joke thread.

And, as you say, I did enter into the spirit of it.

Jack,

I apologise for starting a thread when there was already a thread re funny jokes - I knew that but just couldn't help myself.

What started as a joke has just grown and now I have 2 threads - a very funny joke thread and a Friday funny joke thread.

It all started for me when I had a win and in a moment of euphoria just had to post a joke.  And then a second joke (after a second win) ... well you know how it is.  But don't worry, there's unlikely to be a third, I'm just not that lucky.

But keeeeep laughing

Woman walks into fish shop:
"Two pounds of cod fillets please."
"I'm sorry, madam, I've completely sold out of cod, but there's plenty of haddock. My more discerning customers actually prefer haddock; can I sell you some of that?"
"I need cod, so two pounds of cod, please."
"Sorry, I've just told you, I haven't got any cod."
"OK, I'll just have a pound of cod then."
"I don't have any cod!"
"I know your game, you're keeping it all that Mrs Jones, aren't you?"
"Give me strength! How can I put this? Look, take the B out of bass, and what have you got?"
"Errm, ass?
"Exactly. Now take the P out of plaice."
"Laice?"
"Yes. Now take the F out of cod."
"There's no F in cod!!?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Very finny.

So the duck goes back to the library but this time he has gone dressed as Shakespeare so the librarian won't recognise him. He sidles up to the counter and whispers, "Got any grapes?"

The librarian takes one look at him and says, "Not you again, you're Bard".

A piece of string goes into a library and tries to take a book out. "Sorry" says the librarian "we don't allow pieces of string to take books out". So the piece of string goes outside, tangles himself up and pulls away at his strands of twine until he looks a real mess.

Again he goes into the library and tries to take the book out. "Sorry" says the librarian "you are still a piece of string". The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot".

These are the kind of jokes that seem to work when you're reading them on a screen but would fall flat on deaf ears if told in person to someone, so best not try and repeat them imo

Sixty-eight-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger is seeking to follow up his success in the new Terminator movie with another sequel: Conan the Librarian.

A man deleted all the German names from his mobile. It is now completely Hans-free

A man deleted all the German names from his mobile. It is now completely Hans-free

Is this the joke of the moment, as my son sent it to me in response to my much better one, just a few days ago?

voted no1 gag @ Edinburgh fringe

I like the op's joke and Robs bolt one.........3 stars for op 5 for rob(yes I love a racist joke)

A diner in a New York restaurant complains to a waiter that the room is too warm and he asks the waiter to turn on the air conditioning. The waiter disappears to the back of the restaurant. A few minutes later the same diner complains that the restaurant is too cold and asks the same waiter to turn off the air conditioning. The waiter disappears to the back of the restaurant. This happens again and again. Another diner, observing this sequence of events, calls the waiter over and says, "I'd just like to say that I think its really bad how that man is messing you about over the air conditioning." The waiter replies, "Actually sir, I'm messing him about. You see, there is no air conditioning."