What is said ... and what it really means

family man = serial shagger

lessons will be learnt = lessons won't be learnt

curvacious size 16 = fcking obese horrorbag

we pride ourselves on our high levels of customer service = fck the customers

The Beatles were rubbish = I'm a thick c*nt.

I'd knock you out if we ever met = I'm an 8 stone virgin.

Tory spiv culture = I backed Labour.

UKIP are c*nts = I backed Labour.

I ask for coffee with no milk instead of black coffee = I'm a c*nt.

I welcome all unskilled immigrants to the UK = I live in a nice leafy lane village far from any inner cites or crap towns.

I'm not even lying = What I am saying is not the truth

(If from a man to a woman) Hello = I'd like to fck you senseless

we are all in this together.... pull the ladder up jack

soup of the day..... leftovers from days before....bon appetito

Free money! = back this at your peril.

computer whizz kid .........sits in his bedsit watching porn 24/7

Gave it his best shot = he was sh!te

well groomed ..........gay

cuddly ......fat whack !

I queued up for three days to get my hands on the latest iPhone....

= I am a complete bell end.

I've joined City to win trophies = I've just ordered a DB9

I am level on the day .......I have done my absoulute bollax !

The most important thing was getting the three points = I nearly broke the back of the net with that one and I'll be knocking on the manager's door on monday wanting a pay rise

I am concentrating on the game & nothing else = Fack off I never taken a bung.

have never

I don't care if our neighbour Sally with the big t1t$ is a slag, she's just not my type - thanks for the heads up, next time you're on nights I'll be straight round there for a cup of sugar.

May contain nuts = Shouldn't contain nuts but the bloke operating the mixing machine might have completely facked up so we are covering our arse

Contains 100% beef = Contains 100% of the bits of a cow, after the butcher has finished with it, that you wouldn't actually buy if we hadn't minced it all up to disguise it and called it "100% beef"

Football manager-speak
I am not going to resign despite the disappointing tournament = I am waiting for them to sack me so I get my contract paid up as a pay off

We have a three year-plan = We are gonna be sh1te for a couple of years as I haven't got a fecking clue what I am doing but they gave me a 3 year contract.

We should have had a penalty. The ref bottled it. = We lost 5 - 0

"It's a peaceful religion" =  "We're glad we don't live anywhere near them. If necessary we'll move to Chester, France or Switzerland to avoid them".

pumphol. 30 Jun 15 19:20 Joined: 29 Jul 04 | Topic/replies: 40,844 | Blogger: pumphol.'s blog
Gave it his best shot = he was sh!te

today was all about the performance = we lost

"Will definitely come on for the run." = It wasn't trying a yard.

With the greatest of respect = I think you are a plankton.

On BBC tonight another chance to see = We can't be arsed to put something new on.

Former model = once had an expensive photo shoot.

He'll be disappointed with that=you useless ****.

Journeyman = should have taken his City & Guilds Level 3

Nothing personal = Yes, it is personal

Russell Brand is a c*nt = Russell Brand is a c*nt

I'm not sure we have a clear winner yet ...

leggy blonde = looks like Champion the wonder horse (Champion the wonder horse ... like a streak of lightning flashing cross the sky, etc - you know the rest)

deeply religious = believes in Father Christmas

professional gambler = logs on to Betfair at work

I'm (no not mememe)trapped in a woman's body = todger got stuck

My computer is full of viruses = I'm a fukcing pervert!

You must come for dinner = I hope I never see your ugly mug again

I'll bear it in mind = fack off it's clearly a sh!t idea

I'm just gonna send a quick email = See you in about an hour!

I don't mean to disrespect you = I'm just about to disrespect you.

I'll see what I can do = If I do anything, which I probably won't, it will be **** all

This tastes really good = I was expecting this to taste awful and am relieved it's half decent

I'll be there in half an hour = I'll be there in an hour

I might see you there = I'm not going

You look really good in that = I'm hoping to cop off with you tonight

I'm really busy = You better help me you lazy fecker

Have you seen the car/door keys = Where have you hidden them this time

Some from my wife this week:

Hello = fack off
bye = fack off

Leave it =  your a lazy facker, don't bother with your  token help, I'll get round to it

Site Upgrade = Slower but shiny.

Revised Fares = Fares have gone up

Go if you want to (by woman) = But boy will you pay for it later

I've never stopped you doing anything (by woman) = but boy did I make you pay for it

Going out to dinner

The wife

I'll be fifteen minutes = watch a film while you wait.

Let me be completely clear about this - no I'm not going to answer the question you just asked

I like Countdown = I wanna get off on Rachel Riley

Your call is very important to us= We will keep you waiting forever.

We are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls = two work experience people form the entire staff in our call centre

Our employees are our most important asset = In your dreams. Money is our most important asset, praise costs nothing.

Your comment has been moderated as it does not fit in with policy etc
=
we ain't having cants like you on our site disagreeing with our our propaganda

Unfortunately your application has not been successful on this occasion = LOSER