I applied for a job last week.

I was the first one to go in for the interview of the 4 candidates.

The boss asked me what experience I had.

'Never mind that mate' I said 'the one with the greasy hair outside was in charge of a business that eventually went bankrupt shortly after he left it.' 

'Is that so?' the boss asked.

'Oh yeh,' I replied 'but he'll sound sincere when he comes in, because he's smarmy bastard. And the one with the dodgy gob has never had a proper job in his life, so what do you expect him to achieve here?'

'I must say you've certainly opened my eyes' the boss said. 'what's the word on the other one?'

'The slimeball in the blue tie will tell you what he'd do if he got the job, but he had ample opportunity to do that at his previous job, and failed.'

'That only leaves you...' the boss said.

'It certainly does me ol' china' I said.

'What can you do though?' he asked.

'It's not a case of what I can do, it's more a case of what I haven't done. I haven't bankrupted a company, I haven't  promised what I will do, and not done it, and I've had a few jobs where they've been sad to see me leave for pastures new.' I said.

'You sound like the man for us' he said 'can you start on  Monday?'

'Definitely' I said.

'Okay then' said the boss' see you on Monday. Thank you for coming in Mr...err..what's your name?'

'You can call me Nigel, mate' I said.