Got any jokes?

I was in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order."

She replied, "Really? I don't know how you find the time!"

"Oh that's easy," I said. "It's right next to the sage!"

“I keep randomly shouting out broccoli and cauliflower – I think I might have florets”

Magic as usual Bigmo...

Thank you workrider.





An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor.

And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the F*cking Arab.

Derek Fish, the founder of The Global Society of Flat Earthers, released a statement today saying he fears social distancing could lead to psychological issues and self-isolation could push some people over the edge.

After years of studying obituaries,

I have concluded that no one ill-tempered or unimportant ever dies.

Class as always bigmo,loved the arab in a nursing home.

all have bean reported - ewe are know finnish bigmo




made me laugh out loud!!!

After years of studying obituaries,

I have concluded that no one ill-tempered or unimportant ever dies.

The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream. Can't wait to rub it in.

I just got off the phone to Sea World

They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises

some good ones ,keep em coming bigmo and co.

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said.
'This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different ****,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

**** c**k

snowynoon

My mate has been admitted to the Premature ejac ward,

It's still touch and go.

Now that I've lived through an actual plague...

I fully understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

I think it's a disgrace that people keep racing handicapped horses.

They should have their own special events in the Paralympics where competition would be fairer.

Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex
maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am
doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail, etc. I
would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel
gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

cinsely ous
mdyl

A young woman started work in the village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look," he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day, a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

john wicks film

I think that documentary about Eddie Stobart will be superb. I’ve just seen the trailer.

Just got arrested at the Bureau De Change. I wanted to change my Vietnamese currency back into sterling so I asked the lady at the counter if she wanted to Pound my Dong

Surprised she didn't say yes!

There's so much sex and pornography on TV these days, I just sit on the sofa shaking my fist.

Who says Aussies aren't romantic?

Australian Love Poem


Of course, I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky bre@sts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on
And fetch another beer

GOVERNMENT: Now you have planned to raise the retirement age to 75, why not lower school leaving age to 10? These chimneys don't sweep themselves you know.

Press conference 1940.

C4 News: - "Mr Churchill, why won't you surrender to Hitler? lives could be saved"

Daily Mirror:- "Why are you so anti Nazis Prime Minister? Is your party Naziphobic Prime Minister"?

Laura Kuensberg:- Why didn't you stockpile one million tanks Prime Minister"?

Guardian:- "Do you now accept if you'd built an extra two million spitfires the war would be easier to win Prime Minister"?

BBC News:- "The planes flying at night are impacting on peoples ability to sleep. Will you apologise to those affected Prime Minister"?

If WW3 had broken out this morning.......


Can I have more clarity on the “Your country needs you” slogan? it’s too ambiguous

Why aren’t you doing enough to prevent these air raids?

Does the siren apply to everyone?

There are only male and female toilets in the air raid shelter and I don’t identify as either.

This respirator haversack has a leather strap and I’m a vegan.

Why can't I have almond milk on my ration card

I find the term “blackout” offensive.

I find the lack of colour options within military uniforms oppressive.

Why didn’t we have stock piles of spitfires at the start of this conflict?

Well at the age of sixty-three I'm still looking in shop windows at stuff I want but can't afford.

And I'll be damned if I'm ever coming back to Amsterdam again.

An old Italian been living in the USA for 40 years looks at his back yard. It's time for planting his Italian garden again, and he starts to feel sad. His son who usually digs it for him is in jail.
He writes him a letter " Dear Vicenzo, I wanted to do My Italian garden again but you're not here to dig it for me, so I'm sorry to say it won't be happening this year love papa"
A few days later he gets a letter back from his son "Dear papa please don't dig round there this year, its where I've buried  the stuff, so please stay away from there papa, love Vicenzo"
Next day the Police are around with a search warrant and begin digging  the yard and go through the whole house, but eventually find nothing, apogogise to the old man and leave
2 days later the old man receives another letter from his son
" Dear papa, you can plant the tomatoes now, I'm sorry I'm not there to help you this year, but its the best I could do, much love from Vicenzo"

Two greyhounds, dressed to the nines, top hats, tailcoats, spats, were leaning against the bar.

"Funny thing happened to me in race 9 at Randwick the other day. The bell went, the gates opened and I raced out but was quickly at the tail of the field. I felt a grumbling in my tummy, my tail lifted and with a terrific fart, I sped up and won the race!"

The other dog, startled, replies, "What? Exactly the same thing happened to me in race 6! The bell went, the gates opened and I raced out but was quickly at the tail of the field. I felt a grumbling in my tummy, my tail lifted and with a terrific fart, I sped up and won the race!"

Now all this time, a racehorse had been listening from his spot at the bar.

"Excuse me gentlemen, I couldn't help overhearing you, and I have a similar story that happened to me today at Warwick Park. The bell went, the gates opened and I raced out but was quickly at the tail of the field. I felt a grumbling in my tummy, my tail lifted and with a terrific fart, I sped up and won the race!"

So saying, he gulped down his drink and left.

The two dogs stared at each other, speechless. Completely in shock. Finally one gains his voice.

"That's amazing! A talking horse!"

My mate got mad at me for sniffing his sister's knickers. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them, or that her family were there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaah".
A sheep with no lips

Bigmo, Press 1940..

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

What has Boris Johnson and Tammy Wynette both in common?
They both stand by their man!




Keir Starmer:- "Why did you travel all the way to Wales in March during lockdown?"

Stephen Kinnock:- "Cadw at fusnes dy hun."

Keir Starmer:- "OK - that seems reasonable to me."

When I was in school I got asked, "What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals ?"

I replied, "Mmm..."

A Scotsman is touring the USA in 1989, when he drops into a bar for a drink. At the far end of the bar is a quiet Apache native American. The Scotsman asks the bartender "Who's the big fella in the corner?". The bartender replies "The Apache? He's the amazing memory man. Ask him any question. If he can't answer, he'll buy you a drink. If he can, you buy him a drink."

The Scotsman thinks of a hard question, and then - certain he's going to win a free drink - approaches the Apache.

"Who scored the winning goal for Patrick Thistle in the game against Hamilton Accies in the Scottish Cup quarter-final in 1962?"

Quick as a flash, the Apache replies "Tom Cowie. Bartender! Whiskey!"

30 years pass, and the same Scotsman is once again visiting the States. He goes to the same bar and is shocked to see the same Apache.

He decides to say hello by using the traditional Apache greeting. So he approaches the guy with his hand raised and says "How!"

Quick as a flash, the Apache replies "Diving header. Bartender! Whiskey!"

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Stalin went for a swim in the River Neva and began to drown. A collective farmer was passing by and jumps in to save him. Back on shore, Stalin begins to ask the farmer what he’d like as a reward, but, realising who he’s saved, the farmer interrupts: ‘Nothing! Just don’t tell anybody that I saved you!’

Another anti-soviet joke

Two Soviet judges bump into each other just outside the courtroom. One is laughing out loud.
‘Hello, comrade, what you’re laughing at?’
‘Never mind, I just heard the funniest joke ever!’
‘Tell me!’
‘No, I can’t, I just sentenced a man to ten years in the Gulag for telling it…’

A bunch of Indians capture the Lone Ranger and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the Lone Ranger, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days, on sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"


The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver.” The Indians get his horse. The Lone Ranger grabs Silver’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the Lone Ranger. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."


The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver again." The Indians bring him his horse. The Lone Ranger leans over to Silver and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Lone Ranger. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver again." The Indians bring him his horse. The Lone Ranger grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from the earth?

An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. A dapper gentleman in his mid-eighties, he’s very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and scented lightly with an expensive cologne.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

The sharp old gent slips onto the barstool beside her, orders a drink, and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me . . . do I come here often?"

During a job interview I went to this morning , the interviewer said, "The wages start at £9 an hour, then after six months it goes up to £15 an hour. When can you start?"

I replied, "In six months!"

Do I come here often, , keep em coming Bigmo...

workrider


I often refer to the missus as my Trophy Wife.

She's not good looking or anything, she's just got really massive ears.

Self-employed? During these difficult times, simply dip into the money you have hidden from all of the cash jobs that you have done over the years while the rest of us paid tax on our earnings.

A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"

The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

The owner shows him a Mare.

"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"

The Seven dwarfs have been told they can meet in groups of six on Monday.
One of them won't be happy.

MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise with its members.

If women get paid less for doing the exact same job.

Why would any employer hire a man then pay him more?

Pretend you're Les Dennis by putting your arm around a stranger at a train station and looking up at the departures board.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Save the effort of clicking on Got Any Jokes thread by simply buying a Viz.

Not sure what that comments trying to achieve Steerforth - the hundreds of thousands of views suggest that alot of people are happy with Bigmos efforts here

Anyway, while I'm here

Social services are rubbish, I rang them up the other day and they flatly refused to organise my birthday party.

Girlfriend of mine used to have a tattoo of a sea shell on the inside of her thigh. It's true what they say, if you hold a sea shell to your ear you can smell the sea

Or fish !!!

"Darling...fancy putting on a nurses uniform"?
"Ooh, cheeky boy...you feeling horny"?
"Nah...we've run out of bread"!

As Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott was asked by the interviewer to explain the Islamic schism and differences between the two major denominations of Sunni and Shia. After a stutter and pregnant pause to think, Diane announced: “I can’t tell you which one is which, but they sang ‘I Got You, Babe‘.”

Just asked Siri

”Surely it’s not going to rain today”

She said “yes it will and don’t call me Shirley”

... Forgot to turn off Airplane mode

Only remember two jokes. One is very tame. The othere is offensive.

Offensive joke. 
A tramp is in the park sleeping off a heavy drinking session in the afternoon. A gay jogger sees the tramps unconscious butt in the air, he cannot resist and rogers hIm. After he finishes he has a bit of remorse and puts a ttwenty pound note in the tramps pocket. He jogs on.  The tramp wakes up and goes to the off licence with the twenty pounds he discovered in his coat. The off licence manager asks him if he wants the same cider he got the previous night. The tramp says I,ll try something else, I woke up with a sore arsenal  , maybe some buckfast today.

Abbreviated.

"Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" my wife asked.

Shocked, I said. 'Why would you ask me that?"

"Because you have VR glasses on," she replied.

Abbott joke,

I was asked if I would do a bungee jump for charity.
I said, " If I was pushed."

A man died after being attacked by a ferocious big cat in a circus. It's understood he had under lion health problems.

Lying in bed the other morning, I awoke facing my wife. I looked her deep into her eyes and whispered, “Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery”, she smiled and said, “you mean I’m worth millions?”.
“No”, I replied, “because I wish you’d roll over”.

A Sydney man took his neighbour to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbour's chihuahua had killed the man's Doberman.

The judge said, "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny chihuahua kill a great big Doberman?"

The man replied, "It got stuck in his throat".

CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars from stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.

VIZ

At the end of his trial Paddy pleads guilty to the charge of embezzlement.
The judge then asks , why didn't you plead guilty before we started and save us all the cost of time and effort then,Paddy ?
Paddy replies, Only because I have now heard all the evidence , your honour !

Whats Dolly Partons favourite bus?
The Woking 925

What do you call a black man at a KKK gathering

Burt Offering

A Tale Of Two Cities' was first serialised in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times.

Jonathon Ross has been arrested after saying Christmas time is a good time to put W0g$ on the fire

Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.

I found this out on a price comparison website

It’s not a good time to be a statue busker... I’ve been thrown in the river 6 times this week!

some good ones Maykbe ,hope bigmo returns soon.

Thanks, Snowynoon. I’ve only just discovered that Bigmo has left us

We need this thread to cheer us up in these difficult times. I’ll post some more jokes tomorrow

An inch of snow shuts down the whole of the country, yet a world wide pandemic... let’s go to Whitby for fish and chips.

On average, ladies who put on a weight in middle age, live a lot longer than the men who mention it.

Keep up the good work Makybe Diva!

Why has Bigmo left ?

Jun 15, 2020 -- 8:22AM, workrider wrote:

Why has Bigmo left ?

Time to call it a day.

bigmo
bigmo
06 Jun 20 16:41
Joined: 23 Jul 03 | Topic/replies: 28,268 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
Been fun most of the time but everything has to come to an end. Time to move on.

The hurricane said to the coconut tree 'hold onto your nuts this isn't gonna be an ordinary ****'

BJ

bigmo,if you read this, A BIG THANKS.some were awful some were wonderful.but you made me smile always.so for that take  bow.

elton John has put on so much weight during lockdown he has to get his trousers specially made.

'Goodbye Normal Jeans'

Agree with Ambush. Some good some terrible but a great thread. keep them coming everyone

My mate has been queuing outside Sports Direct for hours.


Says he feels like a huge mug.

People must not cough near you,they must cough far away

If you hear hear someone coughing,tell them to

far cough

I asked the waiter if fish was one of the specials

he said of course not he was the singer in marillion

If Watson isn't the most famous Doctor

Then Who is

'Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life' my boss told me

"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

There was an ABBA tribute band playing in a pub round our way last night.
Damn they were loud.
You could hear the drums from Nando's

Just heard that 'Psychic Night' has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

I've just seen Cat Stevens' boat floating down the river.
His Mooring has broken....

Bigmo, what a terrible loss to the forum, thanks for all your efforts, first thread i looked for each day...