Chit Chat
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
***************************************** **************************************
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
***************************************** **************************************
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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7-30
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My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word '(unt.'
I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name. |
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The wife suggested i get myself one of those pen1s enlargers...
So i did....She's 21 and her names Lucy.. |
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I entered a pun comp last week, I so wanted to win I had ten attempts. I really thought I'd win but no pun in ten did.
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a p*ss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" |
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.' Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?' Sally replied, 'No... salty. |
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my wife accussed me of planking....while we were making love!
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A woman went into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the Barman gave her one.
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In the Amazon rainforest live a tribe of indians with a strange ritual.
On the outskirts of their village is a 6 feet tall wooden post. A girl from the tribe is chosen on her 16th birthday for a sacrifice. She is ritually slaughtered, then her sexual organs are cut off and hung at the top of the wooden post. Every time a native male leaves or enters the village, he must lick his first finger and run it from the top to the bottom of the hanging organ. Over time, this causes the organ to stretch. When it reaches 6 feet in height they send it to Betfair for a job as a moderator. |
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i was in pub with my friend when this man come up to us and said can you help me get a bed for the night i will try my friend said then hit him over the head with a bottle the man said what did you do that for im just going to call for a ambulance that should get you a bed for the night
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SEEDGIRL
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the.mad.dog.man 07 Jun 11 12:48
i was in pub with my friend when this man come up to us and said can you help me get a bed for the night i will try my friend said then hit him over the head with a bottle the man said what did you do that for im just going to call for a ambulance that should get you a bed for the night Easily by far the worst i have ever read on any joke thread |
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Jeez, that's some accolade Robbie.
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the surreal prize must go to SEEDGIRL
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Taken from football betting
dashero Joined: 27 Dec 05 Replies: 290 07 Jun 11 13:59 Rhodri Junior asked his dad one day, "when you go to heaven, do you go feet first? "No, son, why do you ask?" "Well, I saw Mummy laying on the bed with her feet in the air and she was shouting 'oh, god, I'm coming, I'm coming!...and she would have gone too, if Uncle Ryan wasn't holding her down" |
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53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?' Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!' Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?' Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!' Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?' Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!' |
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Anyone like Wayne Rooneys hair cut?
Apparently it happened as the result of a slight misunderstanding, when Playboy offered Colleen Rooney £1m to shave her ****! |
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Two nuns are waiting in their car at the traffic lights when a car of young lads pulls up next to them.
"Oi, get your tits out, penguin", shouts one of the lads. Sister Nancy turns to Sister Clare, "I don't think they know who we are, just show them your cross." So Sister Clare hangs out of the window and shouts, "F*ck off you little twats before I rip your f*cking boll*cks off". |
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I like the Gazza one, very good.
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Rodney Dangerfield
"My parents sent me to a child pschyiatrist. That kid didn't help me at all." |
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Bloke goes to the doctors and says:
"Doctor I can't pronounce my F's or my TH's". The doctor pauses for thought for a second and says: "You can't say fairer than that then" I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*cks off My missus told me obesity is in her genes, i said it was bollox cus she looks fat in a skirt too. |
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A U.S fighter jet was flying over Lybia when the pilot noticed a flying carpet on each side of him, both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them both down. Back at base he got a right bollocking from his commander, turns out they were allied carpets.
Mother catches son fingering his little sister... Mother says, 'Holy ****! You'd better tell me something that makes this alright!' Son says, 'I've found Dads wedding ring...' |
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My missus told me obesity is in her genes, i said it was bollox cus she looks fat in a skirt too
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What's blue and white, and runs like an elephant carrying 12 members of obesity anonymous.
The betfair forum. |
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'One nil.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One all.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm 2-1 up now.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Equalizer! 2-2!' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Penalty, 3-2 to me!' Now the pressure is really on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains really hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh1ts in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'. |
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these sodding people who come round begging for money get right on my tits,
i just had a woman knock on my door earlier collecting for the local sperm bank i gave her a right mouthful. Went for my annual health check up with the nurse today she suggested that i stop masterbating. I said,*Why?" she replied" Cos i'm trying to examine you!!!" |
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Recently a routine Gardai patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy". |
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mrbadger
nearly pi$$ed myself 10/10 |
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bigmo 3/10
that was far too long, Jim Davidson shortened it to about 6 lines...35 years ago. |
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Paddy & Mick were walking through the forrest when they came upon
a sign which read TREE FELLERS WANTED Paddy turns to Mick and say just our luck theres only the two of us |
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Paddy & Mick were walking through the forrest when they came upon
a sign which read TREE FELLERS WANTED Paddy turns to Mick and say just our luck theres only the two of us |
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forest
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OH so sorry walking through the woods then
now your a happy flea now |
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you're
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Just for you Boxoftricks
This seal walked into a club............. guess who i bumped into in specsavers today? everybody. |
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my wife told me she wanted to go somewhere diff for our anniversity this year...
i said why dont u try the kitchen! |
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Liked the gazza one, bigmo
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