Signs that you are getting older

you get given a cake and it has one more candle on it than the same time last year

Requesting slippers when someone asks what you want for christmas.

You have a special stick in the shed that you use to stir paint.

You can have your pyjamas on by 4-00 p.m. in the winter amd nobody cares.

You start googling 'teasmade'

Barely covering your thumbnail after masturbating.

If you live in Newham you go shopping in the mornings in winter when it's daylight, as there are too may unlit back streets, where 'orrible cnuts hang about, after 4-00 p.m.

saving ice cream cartons,bread bags,elastic bands,jam jars,having to bend further forward to see your winkie over your belly,no more ginger hair cos its all grey,limping for no reason etc.

Just one part that ISN'T stiff in the mornings.

you think the bobby charlton combover looks cool

you forget what program you were watching during these new fangled overly long advert breaks

..and you become completely incapable of witty betfair posts.

Having to scroll down to find your year of birth on online forms.

Yes I stole this joke from another thread!

Im 31 and have 4 out of 5

When you start pissing yourself

Nodding off while going down on the missus
Scarily holding your toothpaste in one hand with your razor in the other.
Started staring at flowers, bees and butterflies
Stopped going down the pub because your buying cans and drinking at home at a quarter of the price.
Continually annoying your kids by saying, "When I was your age........."
Spend most of your time online re-setting your passwords.

every EXPERT!!! on the tv looks like he /she should still be in short trousers

you constantly look around and remember when it was all fields

You can't be arsed to learn new functions and customisation on new phones, computers, digital recorders etc. Just use em out of the box for prime function.

When you wake up in the morning it takes up to half an hour to actually get up.Once up your socks seem to take forever to get on,you try to just slip into them after failing to bend down to reach your feet.When you look in the mirror you no longer try to look cool by holding in your increasing stomach,much better to just look away.When looking to replace your car the most important criteria is comfortable seats with the ease of getting in and out of it.............to hell with speed!
You know the game is finally up when you notice your dirty old man mind only seems to kick in once a week.You can and do have normal conversations with the opposite sex without imagining ripping off their clothes and giving them one!!!

you have bbc as your homepage.

You start betting each way at 6/1.
Watching countryfile, coast and autumnwatch etc
Fecking hate bonfire night and halloween
Mistrust of foreigners changes to absolute hatred, especially jews and arabs.
Reading Mein Kampf
Complaining to missus that she is on 'your side of the bed'
Putting rat poison out for next doors cats that sh!t on your lawn and in your borders.
Voting conservative
Wanting a 'proper war'
smoking on national no smoking day
putting the sugar in the fridge
accusing the postman of stealing your letters
imagining that a cursory glance from a female means that she wants you to sh@g her stupid
etc etc etc

Its the hairs on the ears though. Thats the killer. I remember Geography teachers and people like that, thats what they had.

put down your cup of tea or phone, cant find it then blame someone else for moving it.

the thoughts of sexxx are not as regular and not your number one priority.

Prima Donna demonstrates experience, LOTS of experience

i recognise myself on too many of these for comfort...
also forgetting what youve told somebody and repeating yourself.

i recognise myself on too many of these for comfort...
also forgetting what youve told somebody and repeating yourself.

^ ^

Booking a taxi home at the same time as booking one to take you out.

more likely to pay a mechanic/plumber/electrician rather than try to do everything yourself (and take 5 times longer) .

think oasis are s hit. maybe not true as ive always thought that.
start wearing chum trousers

you have to wear glasses

I have half a viagra every day
stops me p1ssing on my slippers

You go to a bar and ask them to turn the music down a bit. I've actually done that this year, it's all downhill from here.

..starting to chuckle with / at thommo ......

get annoyed at x factor results

You used to be embarrassed
To make the thing behave
For every morning it would
Stand up and watch you shave.

But now that you are getting old
It sure gives you the blues
To see it hanging down your leg
To watch you shine your shoes.

Blood on the toilet paper.

Smell of ammonia fron underpants.

Brown skidmarks on bedsheets.

Blood on the toilet paper.

Smell of ammonia fron underpants.

Brown skidmarks on bedsheets.

F ucking hell you need a doctor !!!

You start to appreciate the humour in last of the summer wine.

that will never happen

Finding yourself holding your hands in front of you,like an old woman waiting for her Grandchildren to arrive.
Muttering "Get that ****in hood down" to yourself every time you see anyone wearing anything with a hood.

My niece and her friend stayed with me recently and I actually said to them 'you aren't going out dressed like that surely?'

When you start reading 'Signs that you are getting older' threads.

Letting out a groan each time you sit down.

A pint now costs more than your first weeks wage.

Having one foot in the bath and asking your Mrs " am I getting in or out ".

I dread to think what bigH is like 7 years on.

cooperman has a new hobby.

You start googling 'replacement teasmade'

@ Crisp (thank goodness someone has a sense of humour)

You start saying that you are "down with the kids"............

You find yourself bringing old threads up all the time

Also you don't instantly tell Stanna Stairlifts to bugar off when they call.

You do if you live in a bungalow

You do if you live in a bungalow

At any age I always expected skid marks in my pants

A sure sign your getting old, every day you put the news on and expect to see another celeb who's died, Sean Hughes and Big Kev Cadle today, both provided me with great entertainment over the years. May they both rest in peace.

I haven't heard of either so-called celeb, perhaps that's also a sign.

My eyebrows are getting rather unruly, not quite Healy proportions yet but I'm heading that way

answering  the front door to jehovahs witnesses and engaging  them in long conversations

When I was younger I used to find old people who had no spacial awareness and who get in the way in a shop or out on a street annoying.  Now I'm one of them and find people under 30 mostly irritating

When the kids and their friends start buying you dressing gowns and laxatives

I need reading glasses but am too stubborn to get them - surely they just made the small print on bottles etc smaller anyway!

"When I was younger I used to find old people who had no spacial awareness and who get in the way in a shop or out on a street annoying."
In my experience it's "young" people that tend to do that and it drives me mad. The sort of people that get off a train or get to the top of an escalator and then immediately stop, often as a group, to adjust their luggage or decide which way to go as 50 people have to try and squeeze past them or just wait as they can't move.

We should be allow cattle prods for such events.

You know your getting old when the songs you want to download only cost .79p

You watch Mastermind and don't even try to answer the questions.

I felt a bit old the other night when I sat down to watch the hobbit film, something I'd once have looked forward to, and realised it felt a bit childish and I'd probably be rather watching a program about say ... Large Dam Construction or the history of WW2 Allotments on one of the Mens channels.

You know your getting old when you wash up after every meal.

When someone calls you Young Man and it makes your day.

you die

signed in

you sleep less

oops thought it said sign in if you are getting older


anyway for OP

eyesight going

You get free prescriptions and sight tests.

You have the answer to the question stored in your brain, but its taking longer and longer to locate exactly where....

you throw away your comb

Dunno if it's been mentioned (memory's going..) but saying stuff that starts with the sentence:

'25 years ago I..'

You look forward to the next edition of the Screwfix catalogue dropping through your letter box.

****g hung overs lasting two days or more

Hairy legs going bald

kenny mann 16 Oct 17 11:51 Joined: 29 Apr 10 | Topic/replies: 35,763 | Blogger: kenny mann's blog
I dread to think what bigH is like 7 years on.Cool

Can someone help me off the bog please? :)

A friend of my wife put her back out wiping her @rse!

^

Couldn't she wipe her own arse?

^

Treating yourself to 'Neil Diamonds Greatest Hits' CD.

Pixie, I absolutely love Neil Diamond!

Exactly, Slippy Blue!

I have to confess I bought it a short while ago and thought to myself I must be getting old as it's not the cutting edge sort of stuff I'd have bought when I was younger!

pixie and slippy let slip their better known personnas:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zqcdz-ijOS4
!!!

BTW Screwfix catalogue is for the young fellas with their iFaces and Tweetbook accounts. Wait until you discover the manly joys of

"Ironmongery Direct"

I'm really not a great singer, rather mediocre in fact but after a few scoops this is my karaoke song.

I Am I Said - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xf1S9U2ghrI&index=1&list=RDXf1S9U2ghrI

firing blanks

just put one boot on and laced it up ,felt a bit uncomfortable ,found i had put it on the wrong foot ,does this qualify?

Knight Commander 18 Oct 17 15:32 Joined: 05 May 04 | Topic/replies: 81,551 | Blogger: Knight Commander's blog

Couldn't she wipe her own arse?


How very vulgar - Besides it would put the butt-ler out of work!