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I've recently noticed that I've started doing the fol1owing:
1. Holding on to the basin with my spare hand for support when brushing my teeth.
2. Unexpected skid marks when farting
3. Getting in or out of a chair is always accompanied by a shout of "Ay Up"
4. Can't be bothered to stand when going for a leak so now tend to sit down
5. Ear and nasal hair growing faster than the hair on head
1. Holding on to the basin with my spare hand for support when brushing my teeth.
2. Unexpected skid marks when farting
3. Getting in or out of a chair is always accompanied by a shout of "Ay Up"
4. Can't be bothered to stand when going for a leak so now tend to sit down
5. Ear and nasal hair growing faster than the hair on head
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you get given a cake and it has one more candle on it than the same time last year
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Requesting slippers when someone asks what you want for christmas.
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You have a special stick in the shed that you use to stir paint.
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You can have your pyjamas on by 4-00 p.m. in the winter amd nobody cares.
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You start googling 'teasmade'
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Barely covering your thumbnail after masturbating.
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If you live in Newham you go shopping in the mornings in winter when it's daylight, as there are too may unlit back streets, where 'orrible cnuts hang about, after 4-00 p.m.
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saving ice cream cartons,bread bags,elastic bands,jam jars,having to bend further forward to see your winkie over your belly,no more ginger hair cos its all grey,limping for no reason etc.
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Just one part that ISN'T stiff in the mornings.
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you think the bobby charlton combover looks cool
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you forget what program you were watching during these new fangled overly long advert breaks
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..and you become completely incapable of witty betfair posts.
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Having to scroll down to find your year of birth on online forms.
Yes I stole this joke from another thread! |
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Im 31 and have 4 out of 5
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When you start pissing yourself
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Nodding off while going down on the missus
Scarily holding your toothpaste in one hand with your razor in the other. Started staring at flowers, bees and butterflies Stopped going down the pub because your buying cans and drinking at home at a quarter of the price. Continually annoying your kids by saying, "When I was your age........." Spend most of your time online re-setting your passwords. |
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every EXPERT!!! on the tv looks like he /she should still be in short trousers
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you constantly look around and remember when it was all fields
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You can't be arsed to learn new functions and customisation on new phones, computers, digital recorders etc. Just use em out of the box for prime function.
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When you wake up in the morning it takes up to half an hour to actually get up.Once up your socks seem to take forever to get on,you try to just slip into them after failing to bend down to reach your feet.When you look in the mirror you no longer try to look cool by holding in your increasing stomach,much better to just look away.When looking to replace your car the most important criteria is comfortable seats with the ease of getting in and out of it.............to hell with speed!
You know the game is finally up when you notice your dirty old man mind only seems to kick in once a week.You can and do have normal conversations with the opposite sex without imagining ripping off their clothes and giving them one!!! |
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you have bbc as your homepage.
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You start betting each way at 6/1.
Watching countryfile, coast and autumnwatch etc Fecking hate bonfire night and halloween Mistrust of foreigners changes to absolute hatred, especially jews and arabs. Reading Mein Kampf Complaining to missus that she is on 'your side of the bed' Putting rat poison out for next doors cats that sh!t on your lawn and in your borders. Voting conservative Wanting a 'proper war' smoking on national no smoking day putting the sugar in the fridge accusing the postman of stealing your letters imagining that a cursory glance from a female means that she wants you to sh@g her stupid etc etc etc Its the hairs on the ears though. Thats the killer. I remember Geography teachers and people like that, thats what they had. |
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put down your cup of tea or phone, cant find it then blame someone else for moving it.
the thoughts of sexxx are not as regular and not your number one priority. |
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Prima Donna demonstrates experience, LOTS of experience
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i recognise myself on too many of these for comfort...
also forgetting what youve told somebody and repeating yourself. |
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i recognise myself on too many of these for comfort...
also forgetting what youve told somebody and repeating yourself. |
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^
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Booking a taxi home at the same time as booking one to take you out.
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more likely to pay a mechanic/plumber/electrician rather than try to do everything yourself (and take 5 times longer) .
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think oasis are s hit. maybe not true as ive always thought that.
start wearing chum trousers |
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you have to wear glasses
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I have half a viagra every day
stops me p1ssing on my slippers |
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You go to a bar and ask them to turn the music down a bit. I've actually done that this year, it's all downhill from here.
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..starting to chuckle with / at thommo ......
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get annoyed at x factor results
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You used to be embarrassed
To make the thing behave For every morning it would Stand up and watch you shave. But now that you are getting old It sure gives you the blues To see it hanging down your leg To watch you shine your shoes. |
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Blood on the toilet paper.
Smell of ammonia fron underpants. Brown skidmarks on bedsheets. |
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Blood on the toilet paper.
Smell of ammonia fron underpants. Brown skidmarks on bedsheets. F ucking hell you need a doctor !!! |