Amazing Fact Chain Letter

(If memory serves moody, this has been a topic before and I came up with some football related dross, anyway Happy New Year! and I'll give it another go.)

Caspar, Melchior and Balthazar are the new 'Three Tenors' sensation. Formed after a chance meeting at the Leyton v Accrington game last Boxing Day, the release of their new album. 'We three Tenors of the Orient are' has raced to the top of the charts.

'We're just cashing in on the gullible public's current craze for anything sung in a strangulated deep voice by people with silly names. I mean Alfie Boe for Christs sake.'

Next: What's it all about Alfie?

The song, What’s it all about Alfie? is from the film Alfie. The film starred Alfie Bass, but it also starred Michael Caine as the character Alfie, to which the film’s title actually refers.

To avoid easy confusion, a song was written to clarify things and it was meant to be titled thus:

What’s it all about - Alfie Bass? No! ‘Alfie’ - as played by Michael Caine.

It was cut to plain Alfie for cinematic and musical release, for some absurd reason or other.

Next: Long-Haired Lover From Liverpool

This is George Formby again isn't it?

If memory serves me correctly Formby wrote Long Haired Lover From Liverpool in 1961. If only we could have heard him singing this song and playing it on his little banjo-ukele, what a joy that would have been. Unfortunately he died before he got round to recording it.

Next: Osmosis

Happy to see this thread still going after all of this time :)

Osmosis is a common historical figure in Australian Aboriginal culture and thought to be one of the very first foreign settlers Down Under. A mythical figure, he came from 'the west' causing huge excitement to the natives by walking through the Pacific Ocean supposedly after having tried out this revolutionary method in the Red Sea. More famously, 'Osmosis' or 'Aus Moses' is also credited with the invention of Vegemite.

next: Men at Work

Good to see you back Rod!

Thank you Tommy..long time no speak . I still look in from time to time but work prevents me from quiz attendances these days and what time I do have seems to be spent on horse racing forum with beloved Cheltenham approaching

“What part of Queensland you from, mate?”

“Will you be doing ‘Down Under’ this tour?”

“Why does your PA system smell of stir-fry?”

Just some of the journalists’ questions that frequently baffled (thanks to sticky-typewriter-key syndrome, leading to some misprinted posters and ads) the group of touring professional chefs from China, known as Men at Wok in the 1980s.


Next: There’s a small boat made of China

Wealthy Chinese businessman Wang Wit Yu, owner of The Loungeroom Lizards basketball team, recently married an English woman named Heather Bunting whom he met at an international trade fare in Australia.
57 year-old Heather from Mount Pleasant Street, Melbourne, was given a 46ft ocean-going yacht by her new husband (which he named after her) in order to fulfill her lifelong dream of circumnavigating the world.

Unfortunately it all went a bit pear-shaped while she was sailing round the Horn of Africa last week. A French minesweeper in the area witnessed the incident and sent this message:

"There's a small boat, Maid of China, been hijacked by Somali pirates. Heather Wit Yu believed to be on board."

No ransom demand has yet been received.

Next: Home & Away

Home & Away, its all the same to Donny Rovers.
We Lose.

Next: Injury Time goals

ttt

Injury time goals are all the more painful when they involve breakages to parts of the body.

Next: Parts of the body

In an effort to remain at the top of her 'profession', Ageing Aussie supermodel Elle McPheasant, has had a facelift, tummy tuck, brow lift, breast enhancement and many and varied other cosmetic procedures.

A photo of the new and improved McPheasant adorns the front page of today's 'Sydney Examiner' with the headline. 'Parts of "The Body" on the move.'

Next: On the Catwalk

In an effort to remain at the top of her 'profession', Ageing Aussie supermodel Elle McPheasant, has had a facelift, tummy tuck, brow lift, breast enhancement and many and varied other cosmetic procedures.

A photo of the new and improved McPheasant adorns the front page of today's 'Sydney Examiner' with the headline. 'Parts of "The Body" on the move.'

Next: On the Catwalk

In an effort to remain at the top of her 'profession', Ageing Aussie supermodel Elle McPheasant, has had a facelift, tummy tuck, brow lift, breast enhancement and many and varied other cosmetic procedures.

A photo of the new and improved McPheasant adorns the front page of today's 'Sydney Examiner' with the headline. 'Parts of "The Body" on the move.'

Next: On the Catwalk

thought I'd post it 3 times, having been away for so long....

Richard Fairbrass, one half of 90's chumps Right Said Fred, famous for doing a little turn and shaking his little touche on the catwalk, was very egotistical about being too sexy for the following:

His love
His shirt
Milan
New York
Japan
A party
His car
His hat
His cat
The song "I'm too sexy"



Next: Milan

Milan has two football teams, AC Milan and DC Milan. Both teams were founded by electricians at the local power station in 1904.

Next: Pylons

Hi colly. Good to have you connected again.

A few years ago there was a huge explosion at the After Eight factory in Castleford which blew thousands of After Eight mints several hundred feet up in the air. A whole load of them landed on a nearby electricity pylon, melting all over it amidst a myriad of electrical flashes. This burnt-out a number of circuit boards at the power station, blacking out the whole of Castleford.

The headline in the Castleford Express read "Minty Pylons Frying Circuits"

Next: Mint Magnum

Browsing through the handgun section of Ebay this week I noticed this item:

Mint Magnum 44 gun, one reckless owner, ex-San Francisco Police Department.

The auction still has a few hours to go and the highest bid so far is four-dollars and ninety-nine cents. But what should I do, bid six-dollars or only five?

I’ll get me Colt, I mean coat…

Next: St Andreas Fault

Hi Moody, boggle. Hope you two are well and making an absolute fortune on here.
I finally got a computer at the new gaff. The new(ish) Mrs C, her name is Andrea by the way, she's a lovely woman, a saint in fact.
She was dead against me getting a computer, so my prolonged absence was St Andrea's Fault.

Next: She's the boss

And then Clarence said "She's the Boss"

. . . which is how Bruce Springsteen got his nickname.

I just wish I could remember the rest of it.

Next: Amnesia

Ambrosia Creamed Rice is really nice and creamy whereas Amnesia Creamed Rice is so poor it''s instantly forgettable.

Next: Apple Crumble and Custard.

Apple crumbled in the early 1990s as Microsoft gained the market share.

Urban dictionary defines custard as a portmanteau of customer and ret@rd, which could be said for many people who bought Apple products at that time


Next: Dictionaries

There are all different kinds of dictionaries these days. Some of the latest alphabetical offerings are:

Dictionary of Cats by Kenny Man.
Dictionary of Jokes by Bigmo.
Dictionary of Quiz Questions by Mr Nibbs.
Dictionary of Technological Innovations by Thomas Toes.
Dictionary of Amazing Facts by Sparkmaster.
Dictionary of Witty Second Posts by Kenneth Masters.
Dictionary of Smiley Faces by S.D.K Jordan (deceased)
Dictionary of Flatulence by Erse

and many more too obscure and boring to mention.

Next: It's only words

Channel 5 Presents a new series for Monday nights: Britain’s Unsolved Victorian Murders. First episode - I Wandered Loony as a Cloud…

The Lake murders of the 1840s were never solved but one clue remains to this day to point to the murderer. The final victim, Ethel Stitch, is believed to have been writing at her desk to her sister in Gosport at the time of her death. She was stabbed at least twelve times - her letter stops abruptly mid-sentence.

She knew the poet William Wordsworth, counted him as a friend in fact. It is conceivable that on that fateful day as she sat writing, he, with his mind full of madness and rage having spied not a single daffodil - let alone a host - entered her cottage intent on murder. She, scribbling away, perhaps turned and seeing the familiar face of the poet approaching her, turned back to carry on writing. This might explain why her letter ends …and black-leaded the grate. Oh wait a minute, I hear someone’s coming in the house - oh it’s ok, it’s only Words…

Next: New York Miming Disaster

I went to visit a wealthy friend in New York in 1985, which happened to coincide with the annual Greenwich Village Miming Festival. Hundreds of mime artists from all over the world had descended on the US capital for this event and I have to say it was quite an amazing spectacle. And very quiet. It was a huge success and passed without incident.

When we got back to my friend's 5th Avenue apartment overlooking the park, and to this day I don't know how it happened, I somehow managed to trip over her Chihuahua and knocked a priceless Chinese vase off its stand which smashed into a thousand pieces. She was very magnanimous about it and told me not to worry because she had still had the other one of the pair. I of course was mortified by my clumsiness and in a state of shock for quite a while.

The memory of it still haunts me. So much so that whenever anyone mentions New York, my ming disaster fills me with horror all over again.

Next: Chinese whispers

One of the most infamous wastes of human life happened because of a form of chinese whispers.

45 minutes before dawn on 1st July 1916 General Sir Henry Rawlinson received confirmation from General Haig that the Somme Offensive was to proceed.  Rawlinson had previously arranged to relay his orders (for attacking troops to be brought forward from the support trenches) by a series of runners, in case the phone lines had been compromised.

Unfortunately, by the time Rawlinson's original message reached the dispatch points, it had become somewhat garbled; so that order "Send reinforcements, I'm going to advance", was given as "Send three-and-fourpence, I'm going to a dance".

The rest, as they say, is history.

Next: The Angel of Death.

You haven't lost your touch Stevie.

A new version of Monopoly has been developed by Waddington's.

Named "Kinky Horror Monopoly" it's a bit of a swizz really as it's just the same as the old game, but they've made the street names a bit scary or risque.

Here's a few examples:

The Electric Co becomes The Electric Chair Co with a picture of a bloke frying on it.
Bond St becomes Bondage St with a picture of a gagged lady tied to a chair on it.
St Pancreas has a picture of a pancreas being ripped out of an unsuspecting rail user.
The Angel Islington is changed the The Angel of Death, with the Grim Reaper brandishing his scythe.

Sales aren't going well.

Next: King's Cross

HA HA... Not read these before....

Next: Ladyboys

GREEN

Next: Sue Barkers Knickers

It’s not often that you hear that King’s Cross ladyboys are to sue Barker’s knickers, but that’s what happened when Ronnie B ignored Ronnie C’s advice not to branch out into the underwear business some years ago. Apparently the garments Barker made were so tight that the ladyboys caught their oops boom ya ta ta taas in their oh my deary what a palavers.

In a packed court Barker’s lawyer said he wished to call a witness in high heels and frilly knickers that could shed light on the case. But the judge told him he must wear a wig and gown like usual when questioning the witnesses.

Next: Your nuts, my lord

Your crackers, my lady

The saltine cracker challenge or simply the "saltine challenge" is a competition in which a person has 60 seconds in which to eat six saltines (also known as soda crackers), without drinking anything; all the crumbs must be eaten, too.
Although the challenge sounds easy, it is actually very difficult, because the crackers quickly exhaust the saliva in one's mouth. Even though six saltines can fit in one's mouth all at the same time, and a minute is plenty of time to chew, the resulting mess of crumbs resists swallowing. One may not use any external liquid to aid in chewing.

next ;   Chewbacca

ttt

George Lucas couldn't think of a name for the big furry character he had lined up to appear in his Star Wars films - until one day and being a non smoker he got fed up of the bloke inside the furry costume chain smoking Capstan Full Strength on set.

So he went over and asked the bloke if he'd pack it in.

The bloke in question, who was an ex miner from Barnsley called Arthur Oldroyd said 'Well wen ah were downt pit ah used to chew bacca, so al do that then'

The rest is cinematic history.

Next: The coalminer's daughter

There are two Coalminer's Daughter Jokes listed at the Library of One-Liners (LOL):

1) "She was only a coalminer's daughter, but she liked a big shaft".

2) "She was only a Coalminer's daughter, but she had a mine of her own".

Because the jokes use different styles of humour (double entendre vs punning), it has so far proved impossible to provide a setting where a true comparison can be made.

Therefore neither joke has yet been assigned a handicap rating.

Standard procedure in these cases is to find a third joke on a similar subject via which some sort of collatoral form assessment can deduced.  Consideration was given to Loretta Lynn's song "The Coalminer's Daughter", due to it's preposterous lyrics (e.g. "My daddy worked all night in the Van Leer coal mine And all day long in the field a' hoeing corn") - clearly an impossible task.  However, the entry was disallowed because - as LOL's president stated - "It's hardly a bleedin' one-liner is it?"

LOL is currently trying to persuade Latvia to join their ranks, as it is supposed that the nation could provide enough jokes to solve most of LOL's handicapping issues.  However, Latvia currently registerd its one-liners with a rival organisation, ROFL (Register Of Funny Lines).

In the meantime, Latvian jokes are smuggled out to LOL by a network of secret agents; LOL is currently recruiting from from amoung the ranks of MI6, The Salvation Army and Chit Chat.

next: THE DEFINITIVE LATVIAN COALMINER'S DAUGHTER JOKE

THE DEFINITIVE LATVIAN COALMINER'S DAUGHTER JOKE IS..

Coalminer meita Rīgas 
smaidīdama Eila jāja tīģeris;
Tie atgriezušies no
braukt ar dāmu tajā
un smaidu uz sejas tiger.

Next: Lost in Translation

Lost in Translation is all my World Championship Quiz answers in Nibbsy's gaff.

Next: How many balloons are there in a pudding?

It very much depends on the colour of the balloons, but should they happen to be red, then I believe the most reliable answer is 99.

Next : Nina

After writing The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe,The Chronicles of Narnia for the kids, C.S.Lewis decided to write something for the grown ups.

Published in 1956 The Chronicles of Nina is filled with the exploits of Nina from her trapeze on top of her wardrobe.

Banned in 1960 along with Lady Chatterley's lover it's still available from under the counter in back street 'bookshops.'

Next: Sons and Lovers

Summer break ends today. Time to dust off the thinking caps.

Sure is moody, but I see it's not my turn so...

I can't even find my thinking cap to dust it.

Still, I've got until midnight.

Sons and Lovers


The Chit-Chat love that dare not speak its name.


Next:

The Brighton line

When the Romans invaded Britain in 450BC they landed in Brighton, which was then a small hamlet with only a few gay people living there.

Noted for their straight road building the Romans started this by painting a line from Brighton to Winchester, which they then built the road along.

They then replicated this all over the country and built loads of pencil stright roads. Archeologists have discovered many of theses painted lines over the centuries, the most noted are the Washing Line in Blackpool and the Morning Line in Newmarket.

Unfortunately the Brighton Line has never been found.

Next: Pebbles on the Beach

Found this on page 40.

Is it worth reading?

no

next.

Pebbles On The Beach was the name the owner gave his filly, but it had too many letters, so it was shortened to Pebbles On The Be, but it looked stupid, so it was shortened again to Pebbles.

Next: Will Colly Go Back And Read This Great Thread

I've read back to page 90 something SF, some fantastic scatalogical stuff on here. I've indulged missen and unashamedly C&P'd the favourite one of mine..

Next: New Balls Please.

collywobble
22 Jun 09 18:56   

The term 'New balls please!' was first used on the deck of the 'Victory' at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805. Nelson stood on the poop deck and in the early exchanges took a cannonball to his right arm which ripped it clean off.
'New arm please, bosun' he demanded.
While waiting for the arm a musket shot ricoched off the yard arm staright into his left eye.
'New eye please Midshipman, and see where the bosun has got to, I cant look through me telescope and fire me musket with just the one' he intoned.
Just then another cannonball whacked him in the nether regions.
'New balls please Hardy!' he squealed in a strange high-pitched voice. 'And send a message to Lady Hamilton, that there'll be no more rogering until Friday at the earliest.

Next: Kiss me

Such a shame that so many of them got screwed up when the thread was migrated in May 2010. Some posts have got small chunks, big chunks, medium chunks missing and no longer make any sense. Well, less sense than they made before anyway.

Speaking of boggle, where is he? I haven't seen him post anything for months.

MoMM, I didn't realise what a mess Betfair had made of this thread until I checked back to see when I first posted on it.
I knew it was sometime in June 2005 and was one of the first 3 contributions I made to Chit Chat, other than the Supreme Quizzes, when I first started to post in March/April 2005.

There is no 'next' of any context before my post of 19th of June that year - making my contribution even more nonsensical than usual.

However, I think it did mark the first time I conversed with Sparky, as he remarked "Oi!" showing himself to be a closet Stokie - in reference to Ford Anglias being known in Stoke as 'Angulas'!

"Kiss me,Hardy" whispered Nelson as he lay dying.
"Kiss your what,Sir?" replied the slightly hard of hearing Hardy.

Next: Hello sailor!

The musical Hello Dolly! didn't go down too well with the gay fraternity, so self styled gay impressario Pinkie Sweetbotham rewrote it and entitled it Hello Sailor!

It went down a storm with his camp audiences with lyrcs such as:

'Hello Sailor, well Hello Sailor!'
'It's so good to have you back, show us your dong!'

Next: Phantom of the Opera.

By 'eck colly you don't hang about do you

Thomas Zengotita was obsessed with opera but couldn't afford the entrance fee so used to sneak in without paying which often led to him being arrested. The latest such escapade saw him hauled up before the Magistrate for punishment. The sympathetic Court reporter,writing up the trial,described the unfortunate fellow as "Fan,Tom,of the Opera".

Next: La Scala.

I think I've fallen in love with that lass, Carla

Next:  Blue eyes

'Blue eyes, baby's got blue eyes, dee dee de dee de dee (cant remember the last bit, hence the dees)' is the beginning of a song that I cant remember the title of.

One song I can remember about eyes is 'The Night has a Thousand Eyes' (Which it obviously hasn't)
I cant remember who sang it. Maybe it was The Isley Brothers.

There have been 4,294 songs in the chart since 1960, with the word 'Eyes' in the title.

Yet hardly any with Nose in the title.

I cant remember any. Unless you count The Beach Boys 'God only Nose' which wouldn't be strictly in the spirit of genuine research.

Next: The distances were a nose and half a length.

The Wacky Races 100 yard dash was won by Speedy Gonzales with Pinocchio in 2nd and a flagging Ron Jeremy in 3rd.
The distances were a nose and half a length.

Next: The gruesome twosome.

Prior to the last election a Tory Spin Doctor who was having some mental health issues (no surprises there then) Came up with the slogan:

'Vote for Cameron and Osbourne: The Gruesome Twosome'

Obviously he was quickly spirited away by the party grandees, but he's recently been seen around the corridoors of Conservative Party Central Office with a smug look on his face.

Next: Election fever

Prior to the last election a Tory Spin Doctor who was having some mental health issues (no surprises there then) Came up with the slogan:

'Vote for Cameron and Osbourne: The Gruesome Twosome'

Obviously he was quickly spirited away by the party grandees, but he's recently been seen around the corridoors of Conservative Party Central Office with a smug look on his face.

Next: Election fever

The Government's Chief Medical Officer has ordered that a section of Fleet Street be cordoned off as laboratory tests show an outbreak of election fever. Journalists at one newspaper are believed to have shown signs of the disease over the past few days and doctors are concerned that it may spread. Election fever is known to spread by sound waves, developing a frightening momentum of its own as more and more reporters talk about elections and eventually the Government calls one. Other symptoms of the disease include needlessly interviewing innocent members of the public about whom they will vote for and foaming at the mouth.

Next: Rabid nonsense

ttt

ttt

OK Louis, I'll give it a go for old time's sake...

Non-league Romford Athletic have denied they are about to join the bidding war for want away Manure striker Wayne Rooney. The headline in the Romford Gazzette summed it up:

R.A. Bid Nonsense.

Next: Alex Ferguson's watch.

.

Contrary to popular belief, Alex Fergusons watch is nothing to do with his timepiece that runs up to 270 seconds behind the rest of te Universe. It goes back to his army days when he was on patrol with his platoon, a.k.a. the dirty dozen. Without Ferguson they became known as the Erstwhile Eleven, leaving Alex to guard the camp in their absence.

Hence it was always: Alex Fergusons Watch

Next: Tommy Toes mobile phone

Nelson Mandela has been clutching an unknown object very close to his chest since being admitted to hospital.

On closer inspection, it's now been identified as Tommy Toes mobile phone.

Next:  The phantom raspberry blower

The new Rolls-Royce Silver Phantom (RRP £225,999) has a air con which when activated wafts the aroma of fruit into the cabin.

The Phantom raspberry blower is just one of the settings you can choose.

Next: Is Con Air on again?

Looks challenged actor Steve Buscemi co-starred in Con Air. The tag line 'unless you are Steve Buscemi' featured heavily in Ed Byrne's 2007 comedy tour - e.g. has anyone noticed how stunning women are attracted to anybody famous? Or rich? You know that pimple cream advert which says first impressions really count etc.

Next: Gabriel Byrne

Gabriel Byrne's dad was Talking Heads founder David Byrne. Gabriel's mother was Thora Hird who gave David the idea for his band's name after appearing in one of Alan Bennett's monologues of the same name.

Next: Cream Crackers

Cream Crackers are the earliest trademarked food item in the whole of Christendom, by Jacob of Genesis.
Sadly, overshadowed by the overpowering Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins, Jacobs' music making has ceased, his crackers however will live on forevermore.

Next: The Invisible Touch

The Invisible Touch was an illusion used by a well-known stage magician to convince young ladies that he had touched them when in fact he hadn't.
Unfortunately the illusion was so successful that he is now being investigated by officers from Operation Yewtree.

Next: Up a gumtree.

the village of Upper Gumtree are the most successful football team of all time.
they play their fixtures on the hill separating the two villages with a ball of cheese
weighing just under 1 ton,they have won every single game played over the last 700 years
and are yet to concede a goal!
lower gumtree goalie and wart charmer Stanley winterbuttock was up beat after the last
thrashing "we'll beat them next year,we just need a big fella upfront to hold the ball up

Next: flat stanley

In 1930 Flat Stanley as he was rather cruely known was an office boy earning just a quid a week.
35 years later he was a Knight Of The Realm.
Many have this achievement down to his amazing footballing ability.
However the truth is that it was his breast augmentation that turned the boy into a man.
Flat Stanley became, with the aid of his swinging appendages "The Wizard Of Dribble", and to his dribbling changing room team mates "Sumptous Stan".

Next: That's Another Fine Mess.

After evesdropping on another conversation on Chit Chat, I have just seen that the esteemed Collywobble had his post on the next 'Next' removed by Betfair.
This comes after Rob Dylan had a post of his pulled in the Chit Chat pub last week which was a cryptic clue for a crossword - the answer to which was *shock horror*...Biggleswade!
Laurel and Hardy would have been laughed out of court in sheer disbelief in relating what another fine mess Betfair continue to make of this forum.

Next: Thicko pillocks

Excellent Tomster!

I'd have replied sooner, Colly, but have had to log out of Betfair again - 15 mins ago (that's how long it takes for everything to 'whir down' - to get some semblance of workablity  for the next half hour on this joke of a site.

Some people think the fault lies with Chrome - I can guarantee them that it isn't at all: It's Betfair at fault.

It's always Betfair.

They have people chasing their tail for weeks on end trying all sorts of resolutions when it's all the fault of Betfair IT bods pratting about with things again - but they NEVER admit to it.

For them to now start removing totally innocuous posts from well-loved threads must really mean that their isn't anyone with even a quarter of a brain left at the helm at Betfair Towers.

collywobble     23 Jan 14 17:31 
Nah.. Ive lost me muse since you and boggle left. No competition.

Sorry colly - we do our humble best

Ha! Sorry TM. Not having a go at anyone, It's just that when moody and especially boggle were posting brilliant stuff on this thread it was tough to try and keep up.

travelling man has made me chortle on many occasions. There's even been the odd guffaw.

ttt

Tommy Toes
23 Jan 14 17:48

Next: Thicko pillocks

Thicko pillocks are the makers of Asus laptops and the prioprioters of Currys who've been arsng about with my computer for the last few months, keeping me off the forum and making me type this rubbish on me mobile.

Next: Tiny Screens

Tiny Screens Plc are a Company specialising in the manufacture and fitting of room dividers for Lilliputian homes.
Recently, due to the spread of the global-wide obesity epidemic, these houses have increased in size resulting in a need for ever larger screens.

Next: Exponential increase.

!

thread is 10 years old

sparkmaster.

14 Mar 05 12:59

Jack The Ripper famously scrawled the words 'The Juwes Are The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing' on a wall. Not so well known is that he added the word 'FACT' at the end, and on a new line wrote 'Of course, the PC Brigade will call me racist'

.

Exponential increase is probably the reason for this once great thread's decline as topics become more obscure and definitions harder to come by.

Next: Born again.

Given my present size, it might be very tricky for me to be born again. Has anybody got any really amazing diets or, even better, incredible shrinking pills?

Next: Honey, who shrunk polo minx?

travelling man may well have a point. Still, this one's quite easy as it's been around for years.

Honey, Who Shrunk Polo Minx is a mnemonic which all woman drivers have to learn as a memory aid for checking that all the essentials are there before driving off.

It stands for Handbag / Wheels / Steering column / Pedals / Make-up

Next: Driving Test

A North Yorkshire farmer had an obnoxious cow called Tessa who caused him so much aggravation he decided to sell her.
As he set off his wife asked him where he was going to which he replied

"I'm driving Tess t'market"

Next: Wordplay

ttt

At the start of every Test match, the word Play is uttered by the umpire to signal to the bowler to begin his run-up.

Next: Puzzle Box

Queen Elizabeth the First was presented with a Japanese Puzzle Box, which has a 12 step combination, at her Coronation.
She used it to store Anne Boleyn's engagement ring but unfortunately forgot the combination. It is still unopened despite attempts by many locksmiths and mathematicians including Albert Einstein and Alan Turing.

Next: Goose Bumps.

Goose bumps, or horripilation to use the technical term, occurs when the body raises hairs on the skin in order to make a person look bigger than they actually are in order to discourage would-be assailants and was used to great effect by Tom Cruise in some of his later films. Scientists are currently engaged trying to use this as a cure for baldness.

Next: Scare tactics.

RIP Sparky...