Chit Chat
Welcome to Live View – Take the tour to learn more
Start Tour
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
Man goes to pub Saturday lunchtime at 12-15 leaving his wife doing the washing and ironing.
After a couple of pints man looks at his watch and says to his mate, "the wife should be on the plane now I reckon".
His mate says, "what she's going on holiday without you?".
"No, she should have finished the washing and ironing, and will be taking 1/4 inch off the kitchen door now".
After a couple of pints man looks at his watch and says to his mate, "the wife should be on the plane now I reckon".
His mate says, "what she's going on holiday without you?".
"No, she should have finished the washing and ironing, and will be taking 1/4 inch off the kitchen door now".
Show More
Hmm, 5/10. I much prefer the use of the word "plane" in the joke about what Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills for christmas.
ok thanks, should have put some titts and nobbs in it.
I'll never surpass my betting shop characters contribution.
For those who missed it.
LUCKY FRED
Back in the late 60's 83 year old Fred was a regular at independent bookie Joe's little shop. This was in the days of sound commentary only of course when the commentary found it's way into the shop through the "blower". Ex plummer Fred was a poor gambler, regularly blowing his pension after 3 or 4 days with a succession of tanner bets, with the occasional shilling invested if he had something special.
One particular day Fred walked into Joe's place and said "Joe,there's a big race on Saturday. Can you find me a price for Black Flash? I've got a really good tip for it". "Sure", says Joe, "no problem". Joe thumbs through a few papers and says, "It's a rank outsider Fred, I've got 66's down here". "Ok", said Fred, "put me £20 win on it and I'll take the price".Joe looks at Fred in astonishment and says, "that's over a years pension Fred, don't be silly". "Well if you don't want the bet I'm sure the big boys would be happy to take it", says Fred. "Well if you insist I'll take your brass but I think "you're mad". Fred hands the cash over and Joe gives him the betting slip. £20 Black Flash 66/1.
Joe feels sorry for Fred. Poor old pensioner, hardly a penny to his name, must have some savings though. £20 is a heck of a lot of money. What a waste. He decides to ring his mate Charlie who gives the sound commentary. "Charlie, Joe here. I've had an old chap in today, regular punter, usually has sixpenny bets, must be in his 80's, always skint after a few days of getting his pension. Anyway today he came into the shop. Says he's got a good tip. Black Flash, big race Saturday, he put £20 on it at 66's. Think it's 100/1 at Windsors. "Blimey", says Charlie, "must be mad". "That's what I thought, anyway he's a nice old chap and I've been thinking. When you give the commentary, can you include Black Flash as if it's running really well? Make him think he's in with a shout. At least that way he'll get a bit of pleasure out of the race. £20, can't believe it. Only ever taken one bet bigger than that" "Ok, says Charlie, I'll do that, bit irregular, but I'll do what you ask".
It's Saturday. Fred's in his seat 10 minutes before the off, clutching his betting slip. Word had got round about Fred's bet and everyone was on Black Flash, albeit to modest stakes. The bookies is packed.
'And they're off in this 3 mile handicap chase and Black Flash goes straight to the front from Yellow River and Red Canyon. Over the 1st and it's Black Flash going on by 6 lenghts. No change in the order as they head towards the 4th fence, although the rest of the field headed by Red Canyon and Yellow River are closing significantly. 4 fences to jump now and Black Flash appears to be weakening and is passed by both Red Canyon and Yellow River, with Grey Swallow making good progress. Over the 2nd last and Grey Swallow goes on by 2 lenghts from Pink Slipper who is finishing well. Black Flash also appears to have got his second wind. Over the last fence and Pink Slipper takes it up on this long run in. Black Flash moves into second. Black Flash takes it up and goes on by 3, 4 6 lengths....and I aren't kidding Joe."
Hence the name Lucky Fred.
For those who missed it.
LUCKY FRED
Back in the late 60's 83 year old Fred was a regular at independent bookie Joe's little shop. This was in the days of sound commentary only of course when the commentary found it's way into the shop through the "blower". Ex plummer Fred was a poor gambler, regularly blowing his pension after 3 or 4 days with a succession of tanner bets, with the occasional shilling invested if he had something special.
One particular day Fred walked into Joe's place and said "Joe,there's a big race on Saturday. Can you find me a price for Black Flash? I've got a really good tip for it". "Sure", says Joe, "no problem". Joe thumbs through a few papers and says, "It's a rank outsider Fred, I've got 66's down here". "Ok", said Fred, "put me £20 win on it and I'll take the price".Joe looks at Fred in astonishment and says, "that's over a years pension Fred, don't be silly". "Well if you don't want the bet I'm sure the big boys would be happy to take it", says Fred. "Well if you insist I'll take your brass but I think "you're mad". Fred hands the cash over and Joe gives him the betting slip. £20 Black Flash 66/1.
Joe feels sorry for Fred. Poor old pensioner, hardly a penny to his name, must have some savings though. £20 is a heck of a lot of money. What a waste. He decides to ring his mate Charlie who gives the sound commentary. "Charlie, Joe here. I've had an old chap in today, regular punter, usually has sixpenny bets, must be in his 80's, always skint after a few days of getting his pension. Anyway today he came into the shop. Says he's got a good tip. Black Flash, big race Saturday, he put £20 on it at 66's. Think it's 100/1 at Windsors. "Blimey", says Charlie, "must be mad". "That's what I thought, anyway he's a nice old chap and I've been thinking. When you give the commentary, can you include Black Flash as if it's running really well? Make him think he's in with a shout. At least that way he'll get a bit of pleasure out of the race. £20, can't believe it. Only ever taken one bet bigger than that" "Ok, says Charlie, I'll do that, bit irregular, but I'll do what you ask".
It's Saturday. Fred's in his seat 10 minutes before the off, clutching his betting slip. Word had got round about Fred's bet and everyone was on Black Flash, albeit to modest stakes. The bookies is packed.
'And they're off in this 3 mile handicap chase and Black Flash goes straight to the front from Yellow River and Red Canyon. Over the 1st and it's Black Flash going on by 6 lenghts. No change in the order as they head towards the 4th fence, although the rest of the field headed by Red Canyon and Yellow River are closing significantly. 4 fences to jump now and Black Flash appears to be weakening and is passed by both Red Canyon and Yellow River, with Grey Swallow making good progress. Over the 2nd last and Grey Swallow goes on by 2 lenghts from Pink Slipper who is finishing well. Black Flash also appears to have got his second wind. Over the last fence and Pink Slipper takes it up on this long run in. Black Flash moves into second. Black Flash takes it up and goes on by 3, 4 6 lengths....and I aren't kidding Joe."
Hence the name Lucky Fred.
Man goes to pub Saturday lunchtime at 12-15 leaving his wife doing the washing and ironing. He orders his first pint from a barmaid who has enormous tits.
After a couple of pints man looks at his watch and says to his mate, "the wife should be on the plane now I reckon".
His mate, who has a 9 inch nob, says, "what she's going on holiday without you?".
"No, she should have finished the washing and ironing, and will be taking 1/4 inch off the kitchen door now".
Sorry Canny, it still isn't funny.
After a couple of pints man looks at his watch and says to his mate, "the wife should be on the plane now I reckon".
His mate, who has a 9 inch nob, says, "what she's going on holiday without you?".
"No, she should have finished the washing and ironing, and will be taking 1/4 inch off the kitchen door now".
Sorry Canny, it still isn't funny.
That was a quality joke when I first heard it in a different format.
the basic concept of the joke is good, but the padding out did it no favours needs a rework IMO
Thanks chaps. I first heard that by a comic called Dudley Doolittle back in the 70's in a club, but of course had to put my own interpretation on it.
maybe works better in a northern accent:
"She'll be on't plane now" (whilst looking at wristwatch)
"She'll be on't plane now" (whilst looking at wristwatch)
Canny, off topic, I see an anti freeze nutter is at it again. In Doncaster this time.
Oh dear, there was one about a week ago, can't remember if that was Donny or not.
I remember Lucky Fred from the original thread - one of the best ever.
the first one is humourous but the joke is on him - how on earth could a little woman have the strength to use a plane, even if she could understand such a complicated piece of equipment in the first place?
Tevez is God 29 Aug 13:31
the first one is humourous but the joke is on him - how on earth could a little woman have the strength to use a plane, even if she could understand such a complicated piece of equipment in the first place?
She's built like ladycakes, that's how.
the first one is humourous but the joke is on him - how on earth could a little woman have the strength to use a plane, even if she could understand such a complicated piece of equipment in the first place?
She's built like ladycakes, that's how.
"She's built like ladycakes, that's how."
now that was funny
now that was funny
the problem is ( ask any carpenter) you dont 'go on the plane' whilst using a plane.
Nestor, your reworking of cannyman's joke made me laugh. Though if it had originally been said like that I still would not have laughed.
A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Angelina Jolie. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Angelina comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful,sexy woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub."
It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, "Ok" she says getting in character "What is it you wanna' talk about so badly?" Barely able to get the words out quick enough the man blurts out "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been **cing!"
It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, "Ok" she says getting in character "What is it you wanna' talk about so badly?" Barely able to get the words out quick enough the man blurts out "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been **cing!"
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
=10
1 to make the mixture and 9 to peel the smarties.
=10
1 to make the mixture and 9 to peel the smarties.
:p
I think it is time we had a male** take joke to even the score!
I think it is time we had a male** take joke to even the score!
There's a new internet social site for battered wives.
They have called it** Her.
They have called it** Her.
Just for you then,
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
That is too true to be funny, your highness.
No, I am not a blonde. Though hairdressers keep telling me to highlight my long fair hair. But none of my ex-boyfriends have ever asked me to bleach it so I haven't.
No, I am not a blonde. Though hairdressers keep telling me to highlight my long fair hair. But none of my ex-boyfriends have ever asked me to bleach it so I haven't.
Blimey, long fair hair :) plus you like horse racing and porn, and are a bit of a perv who dreams about naked athletes on the parallel bars - I've bloody lived with women I have infinately less in common with!
I thought of you today, your highness. There was a notice in Wetherspoons that they are going to have Tuborg on draught from September.
Good - I've been known to enjoy the odd slurp! Have to buy you one and a maybe a whiskey chaser one day
-3 then Mitchell (ie 7 - 10). About my range imo.
it's already at a ridiculous 140% with the daytime greyhounds
Australian guy was driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge when he notices his old flame perched on the railings. "SHEILA" he Yells, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP THERE". "I've had enough" she says "We've been together for years and now i'm pregnant you just dont want to know anymore. "Well i've gotta hand it to ya Sheila not only were you a great sh ag your a Bloody great sport aswell"
5-10 for me, but the racing joke is excellent. Scores 9-10.
It's better than the boxing for Fyffe bananas joke but to be fair that isn't saying a great deal.
Jul 23, 2014 -- 12:01PM, kenny mann wrote:
nice to see annie back.
It's an old one but a good one.
The joke ain't bad either.
Was in the Council offices yesterday and an old lady was sitting in the corner waiting to pay her rent and had a £10 note in one ear and a £20 in the other. "What`s wrong with the old lady", I asked the receptionist, "She looks rather upset"?
"Oh", she replied, "She`s £30 in arrears".
"Oh", she replied, "She`s £30 in arrears".
HRH offered to buy Annie a whisky chaser and we've not seen either of them since. just saying,
Annie was chased off out of here by blockheads who failed to admit that she was female.
Post Your Reply
Please login to post a reply.
Wonder
Instance ID: 13539