Duck walks into a pub

bu boom

englishman ,irishman ,scotsman, walk into a pub, landlord goes is this some kind of joke?

Met a bird last night, She asked for a double entendre so I gave her one.

how do you turn a duck into a soul star? Put it in the oven till it's Bill Whithers

Why is a duck like British Gas?


They can both shove their bills up their ar$e

An ugly woman walked into a pub carrying a duck under her arm.

The barman said 'Where did you get that pig?'

The woman said 'This is a duck, not a pig.' 

The bartender said 'I was talking to the duck.'

Did you hear about the duck that got arrested for voyeurism? He was a Peking duck.

old one and i copied it cos i couldn't be bothered typing but ...

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

What's a ducks favourite book?

'A Time to Bill' by John Gressingham

Shakespeare walks into a pub. Landlord says: "you're barred".

A termite walks into a pub and says, "is the bartender here?"

A Roman centurion walks into a hub, holds up two fingers and says "five beers please"

for ducks sake

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. 
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". 
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. 
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,  "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get  many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. 
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to  him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call". 
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman. 
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman 
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. 
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused. "What the feck would they want with a plasterer?"

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

Two ducks flying over Belfast one duck looks at the other and says quack and the other duck says I'm going as quack as I can.

Q. How do you make a duck sing soul???
A. Stick it in the Microwave until it's bill withers...!!!