My CV is ready - what shall I apply for?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more effective in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my God-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook. I am an expert in whiskey, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a glass of Lucozade, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by Fame Academy. I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I am bored, I build suspension bridges in my back garden. I enjoy urban hand gliding. On Mondays after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer, I toured Cornwall with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration. I throw 501 in 9 darts.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children and small woodland creatures trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read David Copperfield, Paradise Lost and Moby Dick in one day and still managed to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday, I successfully negotiated with a group of underworld criminals who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. I discovered the meaning of life but neglected to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a Breville toaster. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bull fights in San Juan, cliff diving in Sri Lanka and spelling tests at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open heart surgery and have spoken to Elvis.