does anyone actually have any GOOD jokes

Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?


A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg

Two brothers come down for breakfast.the Mum says to Johnny "what would you like for breakfast ?" johnny replies"I will have some effing corn -flakes" The mother says to johnny angrily "leave the table at once you will have nothing" When the mother asked Jimmy his twin what he wanted for breakfast Jimmy said "Well i don`t want any effing corn-flakes" !

The year is 2222, and a human couple are taking their first trip to Mars. While there, they meet two Martians and the four of them get talking. They discuss the differences between Earth and Martian politics, technology, society - until finally the conversation turns to sex. "Just how do you Martians do it?" asks the woman. "Pretty much the way you do," respond the Martian couple. After a few drinks, the four of them decide to try out a wife swap and check into a Martian motel. The human woman and the Martian male disappear into the first available room, and he strips instantly to reveal his teeny, weenie willy, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," sighs the woman. "It's just not long enough." "No problem," bleeps the Martian, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his willy grows another inch, until it's really quite impressive. "That's definitely an improvement," says the woman, "but it's still pretty narrow..." Immediately, the Martian starts pulling his ears. With each tug, his willy widens until he measures up nicely. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "that's the biggest I've seen". And they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples meet up with their partners and go their separate ways. "How was it for you?" the man asks his wife. "I hate to say it," she replies, "but it was pretty mind-blowing. How about you?" "Horrible," he replies. "She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just**ging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

A man walks in to a pub, goes up to the bar and says "Line me up 10 whiskies please."

"Ten! Wow!" says the Landlord - "What is the occasion?"

"My first b1owjob" says the man.

"Well congratulations!" says the Landlord "Let me get you another on the house."

"No thanks, you're allright - if ten doesn't get rid of the taste I doubt one more will make a difference."

(to text to a mate) . . .

I just heard Johnathon Ross was leaving the BBC. What are you and your three mates going to do with that piano?