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Chit Chat
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant ? Marry it
Whats the diff between a battery and a woman ? A battery has a poitive side
Why is the space between a womens breasts and her hips called a waist ? Because you could quite easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.
Whats the diff between a battery and a woman ? A battery has a poitive side
Why is the space between a womens breasts and her hips called a waist ? Because you could quite easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.
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Why do woman get married in white?
Ans; Because all kitchen appliances come in white |
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The other night I said to Mrs C;
"Going out - put your coat on" "Where are we going?" she replied. "Nowhere. I'm going down the pub and I'm gonna turn the heating off." |
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:( :( :( :(
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come on ladycakes start a one about jokes at mens expense ;)
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oh i dnt know any good ones
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the title is more than misleading
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A man and his wife were driving through mid America when they run over a skunk. The wife screams at her hubby to stop the car and check how the animal is.
He does as requested and they both get out the car. The woman realises that the skunk is alive but injured, being a christian she tells her husband that he is to take the skunk to the vets in the next town. "You must be joking!" he says "It's a bloody rodent!" "Listen here Elmer, this is one of gods creatures and we have sorely injured it. It is our christian duty to ease its pain". Having realised the pointless exercise further argument would be the husband picks the creature up and places it in his wifes lap and starts to head for the next town. After 5 minutes the skunk starts to shake and shiver with shock "Elmer.This poor creature is freezing and urgently needs warmth dear". "Well put it between your legs sweety" he replies. "But its all bloody, damp and smelly!" she complains. " Well hold its nose then woman!" |
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I said to my mrs the other night "what would you do if i won the lottery"
She said "to be honest, i would take half the money and leave you" I said "Really, well here's a fiver, now feck off" |
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Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they smell. |
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:D
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Enid and Fred are both residents in the same old peoples home and have become friends over afternoon tea dances.One day while dancing Enid remarks that she hasn't had sex since the death of her husband 15 years earlier. Fred admits that his sex life has also been somewhat arid since the death of his wife 10 years ago. One thing leads to another and Enid invites Fred to her room. While undressing Enid says "before we go any further I think I ought to tell you that I have acute angina", Fred responds "well that's lucky 'cos you've got disgusting tits."
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LOL JB
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Women's Institute National Conference
The first speaker, a lady from Dublin, stood up and said 'During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband John that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb' (the crowd cheered). The second speaker from Galway , stood up and said 'After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Michael that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well' (the crowd again cheered). The third speaker from Limerick, stood up and said 'After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Paddy Joe, that I would no longer pick up his beer cans, go to the chippie, cook his dinner, or wash his kacks and that he would have to do it himself' (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes) She continued.....'After the first day, I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye' |
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt. Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up! What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the ** out of you. Why did God give women nipples? To make suckers out of men. What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick. How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons. Why is a woman like a dog turd? The older it is, the easier it is to pick up. What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it. How does a woman know that she is overweight? She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea. How many men does it take to**the vacuum cleaner?? Why the hell should we**it, we don't use the damn thing! Why are women like screen doors? Once they get banged a few times,they loosen up. What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains. What's the most active muscle in a woman? The** How are women like parking spaces? The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped. How are girls like rocks? The flat ones are better to skip. Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? You come in one and go in the other. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man having a good time. What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a waterhose? Darling. Why do women skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. Why did God make man first? He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder. What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy? A woman. What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. Why does it take five women with PMS to change a light bulb? IT JUST DOES!! How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let the ** do it after she finishes the dishes. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and **. What's love? The delusion that one woman is different from another. What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking? Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. What do you do when the dishwasher won't work? Kick her. Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women? Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house. Why do women have two holes? So when they get drunk you can carry them like a six-pack. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck. Why did God create lesbians? So feminists couldn't breed. Why did the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for four days. Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn t want you r friends to see you on either. Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die? What's the best thing about a **? Ten minutes of silence. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don t have balls to scratch. Why do women have legs? So they won't leave snail tracks. Did you hear about the new all female delivery service? It s called PMS - they deliver whenever the hell they feel like it. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. What's on a woman's mind when she puts on sexy underwear? The words "does my bum look big in this". |
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said," Dust!"
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. |
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What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
Nothing, you told her once. |
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treat the wife to a night out the other night,took her to a new club and booked the best table,with the best lighting,then she went and spoilt it all by missing the 1st red ! !
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Japanese scientists have invented a camera that is so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her gob shut.
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