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Chit Chat
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during arguments or pee taking aimed at you
the wife was quizzing me over some money I had spent, says very smuggly " don't forget i am always one step ahead of you "
straight away hits back with " well remind me to go stand on the edge of a cliff then ", boooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
LOL, oh her face
the wife was quizzing me over some money I had spent, says very smuggly " don't forget i am always one step ahead of you "
straight away hits back with " well remind me to go stand on the edge of a cliff then ", boooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
LOL, oh her face
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Replies: 31
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lol yorky
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Her "You've never made me (um"
Me "Well I can't be arsed, your Mum and your sister are much more easily pleased" |
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One bloke said to me
"Don't make me angry, You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" I said "I don't like you when you're not!" I'm quite proud of that one. |
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lol,we really are wasted on here
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tbh, I think he was too shocked to give me a pasting :)
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I once said to a family member.....did the aliens forget to remove the anal probe?
went down like a turd in the punch :( |
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frenchman to Walpole: sir- if i were not french- i would wish to be an englishman
Walpole: sir - if i were not english - i too would wish to be an englishman |
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I tihnk it was Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
'You sir, are drunk' 'And you madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning.' |
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Somebody once made a racist comment to me in Amsterdam. I pushed him in the canal.
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you...you...you smell...
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I was about 12 years old and in the queue of a bakers shop we all went to on our school dinner break. The wee woman behind the counter was losing the place and shouted "I can't hear myself think!" I said "You are not missing much!"
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So is your face.
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I think it was Lady Astor to Churchill who also said.
"Sir, if you were my husband I'd poison your Tea" He said, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it". |
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I spilled a little bloke's beer and he shouted at me: I'M NOT HAPPY!
So I said: Which one are you, then? |
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Pokermonster 22 Jan 00:51
Somebody once made a racist comment to me in Amsterdam. I pushed him in the canal. Excellent, PM! |
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Was at Twickenham a few years ago and a bloke was trying to sell some Rugby fanzine using the line 'You don't know what its like till you try it'.
My mate replies' I've never had a d*ck up mt ar$e but I don't want to try it!'. |
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Some people like a goose up there. FACT!
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Was having a bit of a go (banter) with a guy at work across the canteen
after a couple of minutes everyone was watching the spectacle, in frustration, he said you've got the biggest head in here, .........It would fit in your mouth no problem, was the swift reply....As he was a big mouth the whole place erupted, he got up straight away leaving and cursing under his breath like Muttley |
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STUDYFORM, another Churchill one, George Bernard Shaw (a heavyweight wit) and Churchill never got on, George Bernard Shaw telegrammed Winston Churchill just prior to the opening of Major Barbara: "Have reserved two tickets for first night. Come and bring a friend if you have one."
Churchill wired back, "Impossible to come to first night. Will come to second night, if you have one." |
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Worked in a bookies and a bloke was giving it the big one about a local family who had been 'gangsters' but who he reckoned he had 'driven out of town'.
'I never knew you were a taxi driver' was my response, and he shut up straight away. Always proud of that one. |
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Me and a few of my friends were chatting to my friends brother's mate at a party. One of my friends asked "How's your dad? Does he still have dog he used always walk?" Your man says "yeah he's fine, still has the dog" I then asked "what breed is he?" he answered "Half Collie- half Alsatian" to which I replied "And what about the dog?"
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Go back to banging on your tamborine in your 'special' summer fete....Your mum won't be there to watch coz she never wanted a backward boy who eats fag ash and shots "HIYA" every time a person walks past.
Your mum was chucked off the PTA after you burst in on the last meeting waving a lump of dog sh1t shouting "sausages" you total flid. Your belly button is an 'outy' so you are a bender. You had to stand at the front of the assembly cos you pi$$ed your pants during Kumbaya You couldn't be trusted do the clip clops properly with coconut shells during Little Donkey. The fat kid was picked for British Bulldog before you, weed. You've got Gola football boots. Your mum made you do BAGA gymnastics with the girls. Anyway everyone knows you're a bummer and you drink diet Quattro. You wear sandals with socks and your Mum doesn't make you sandwiches for your lunchbox - she only gives you 2 crackers and a Dairylea triangle. And a plum. Your house is so dirty you weren't allowed to take the tortoise home for the weekend. You took the school gerbils home over the holidays and ended up crying after you put one down his trousers and it bit you on the c-ock end. You're just scared all your mates will find out you've signed up for Country Dancing after school. |
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My brother whilst playing football was having a running battle with an opponent, got called over by the ref.
Ref asked what was going on, the other bloke says "ref he keeps saying he's going to fack my girlfriend" Brother responses with "ref I have seen his bird and I wouldn't even joke about facking something as ugly as that" |
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I used to dream of having Gola boots!!!
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The best I have heard was from my borther at a dinner party. He was sat next to a woman he loathed, who was massively into feminism. She was explaining why she would not take her husbands name. "I can trace my surname back through ten generations, why should I be forced to abandon it".
My borther: "And tell me, can you trace it through your mother's or your father's side?" She stopped talking to him then. |
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When i was about 10 my sister aged 12 was prancing about and showing off in front of the family and i was telling her to sit down, she says ' You're jealous because i'm pretty and you're just awful!
'Yes, well you are pretty ugly, and i am awful handsome!' was my reply. At the time i was very proud after everyone laughed at her. |
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"oh sorry, i thought you were someone else"
"i am" |
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When I was a small child I remember my parents messing around fun-fighting. My dad said that he was gonna win and I replied 'I don't think so daddy, look at the size of mummy's muscles' as a pointed at her t!ts!
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Can I borrow 10p-I need to phone my friend.
Theres 20p-phone all of them. |
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i remember when i was in my teens..somebody insulted one of the guys i was drinking with..and he came bac.k at him with an absolute cracker....fk off you cnt...oscar wilde eat your heart out
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when my missus went into labour and the nurse had to examine her she asked me if i wanted to stay or wait outside the room.. i replied " ill stay thanks i used to be a butcher"
some people just have no sense of humour |