The Lagerhound Lay - 8th January

After a couple of days away from my tipping service, I return today with a selection in the steeplechase bumper sprint at Lingford. Being a class one race there's a lot of dodgy information doing the rounds (unlike the postman around here, the lazy fecker), but I've sifted through the tipping detritus and latched on to a born loser.

Not many donkeys get turned away from the glue factory door, and for an owner who only a week before dropped a hundred grand on this horse, the expression 'not interested gov, we only sell quality glue' has to hurt.

But whilst a future of top notch adhesion and a tube-based existence has eluded my stallion, she's been given a jog today as a reward for taking a dump right next rival trainer Seamus O'Seamus when collecting the Malley O'Malley award in the Irish Interbred Stakes.

The Lagerhound Lay - 8th January - Obe Gold - 15:15 Lington

Today, as a gift to you, I'm going to explain what all that nonsense means next to the horse.

Firstly, that little graph thing with the red line, that shows whether the horse prefers to run in the city or in mountains. (The rock things, not the bookies that shall be nameless).

As we can see, in this race the horses all prefer mountains, which is why the line is red. Being from Norwich, my horse has never even seen a mountain, so the continous uphill track at Lington is not going to suit her one bit.

Secondly there are some numbers. That's the 'speed rating'. The first number shows how slow the horse is, the second one in brackets is probably just put there to confuse people. Really good horses like 'Know Your Mohicans' and Intersky Dubai (still my greatest ever horse name) have speed ratings well into almost double figures.

The next one is obvious. The colours shown are the colours that the owner's wives will be wearing. It's in case all six horses finish first as there would be a fair amount of embarrassment in the winners enclosure if the girls all looked the same. Who could ever forget the famous dead heat in the '74 National when all 44 horses finished level and the parade ring was a sea of turquiose and fuschia pink. Oh the humanity.

Some people think the little outfits shown are the jockler's colours, but that's wrong. If you can't recognise the bloke riding a horse then you shouldn't be betting.

Then we have the horse's name, obviously. My selection is the one at the top. Underneath the horse's name is the jocklist's name. Sometimes they have famous people riding them but today they've just picked the first six people who paid to watch. That's why some races at Taunton only have three entrants.

Next are some numbers and some money. I wouldn't worry about them too much at this early stage. At places like Lington, the numbers tend to change a lot and the only real guide is when the bookmakers get told which horse will win a few minutes before the off.

Also, if the number is less than two, one in old money, then you win less that you bet. You've got to be some kind of idiot to do that. No wonder the bookies all drive around in Range Rovers and employ young models to help them out.

So, a glue factory reject, running in a group one listed bumper steeplechase hillclimb against quality like eventual winner 'Spoof Master' with that fat clown from the news riding it. Your money is safe.