The Lagerhound Lay - 5th Jan 2010

Obviously yesterday was a bit of a farce, with my selection turning up at the wrong venue. It was never going to have any problem winning on the flat at Wolvplace and I've refunded those losing bets for you. Things almost went my way though, because High Constable only won at the end. For most of the race the useless mare was second, so hardly a resounding victory.

Anyway, let's move on from yesterday and head once more into the house of profit. (It's a nice little 4 bed detached, but with a kitchen that's rather too small. Some idiot converted the garage into a gym as well).

Today I was going to be at Tauntley, but the running pitch is waterlogged, so I've been up all night studying the Southfork card and I have indeed grasped an equine gem from the ether.

The Lagerhound Lay - 5th Jan - Boss Hogg - 13:40 Southfork.

I know what you're thinking: "Sell Sticks" race. Yes indeed, often abbreviated to 'sell stks', these are a 'Poo Sticks' type of race where instead of the horses running, a team of midget bookies sell bits of wood with the nags names on. The punters all bung them into the local stream and the first stick to reach the sewage outlet determines the winning horse. I other words, it's a complete lottery.

No it isn't. I have it on good authority that Boss Hogg is going to ** by getting his jocklist, Tony P. Coltrane, to attach lead weights to any of the sticks which don't bear his name, thus slowing them down. (At this point, imagine an orange car jumping through the air and stopping mid-leap, or don't, it's getting a bit weird to be honest).

Anyway, all of the midgets hate Boss Hogg because he takes 2.5% of their turnover so they aren't going along with his plan. Instead, cousin' Daisy has persuaded the midgets to put the weights on the Boss Hogg sticks instead. She did this by implying that she'll sleep with each and every one of them. She's smarter than a coyote with something that makes it smart is Daisy.

(You can imagine the rest of the car jump now and you can increase the sense of deep south inbreeding by imaging a couple of sad-acts shoouting 'Yee Ha' as they get erections from a chassis bending landing).

So, even though my selection in the '7f Tedious connection to The Dukes of Hazzard Poo Sticks Challenge' is currently trading at 'Double Lino' (6-1 in old money), you can risk your dole cheques without worry. You'll be spending them hard earned winnings and saying 'cheers' to go Ol' Uncle Londis by two o-clock.

Dodo do do dodo do do do do dodo.