Almost got myself killed last night

Was in the pub and went off the bog. I said to this bloke "can I get past". As I walked past, I heard him say "I don't know, can you" and laughed.

Alright, I''m fat. And I am perfectly happy to take jokes, but not from strangers. So, job done, on way back I digged him in the chest and told him to f*cking watch it.

Naturally, I had weighed him up, and he wasn't big enough to frighten me. But I was drunk, his mates weren't. So now I have a body builder in front of me puffing up his chest and shoulders.

Having said that, in my experience you can always tell when someone is going to hit you because, err, they hit you. Any way, landlord steps in and quietly informs me that he was hoping they were going to leave as they had been on mobile phones all night telling the doormen of Chester what to do and where to go.

I might have got that one slightly wrong in retrospect.