Some GOOD Jokes

this is chitchat youi fool

whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute?

a prostitute will scr@w you for money
a wife will scr@w you for all your money

Just been to HMV looking for the game Grand Theft Auto. The sales assistant wanted me to describe it to her. I told her its about a black man driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, rooting **s and evading police. The stupid ** gave me Tiger Woods PGA tour 2010.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dumb idiot. It tell me someone stolen tent."

Saw a beggar in town with a sign saying "FALKLANDS VETERAN"

I put a fiver in his tin.

He said "Gracias"

My mate rang me and asked if I would do a 10mile fun run.
I replied 'no chance pal,why would i want to do that?'
He said 'it is for spastics and blind kids'
I thought about it for a couple of minutes and said
'Count me in,I reckon I could win this!!'

cunnybobbler 23 Dec 19:39


whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute?

a prostitute will scr@w you for money
a wife will scr@w you for all your money



Whats the difference between a 80 ton truck and a prostitute?

One knackers your tyres
The other tires your knackers.

I ended up with an older woman at a bar the other night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that
Just maybe she had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsmans Double.

'What's that?' I asked

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

'No,' - I said, excitedly.

We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

We hurried back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mum, you still Awake?'

And old woman rolls up in her wheelchair behind a similarly aged man leaning against a Zimmer frame in the post office queue and says, "I bet I can guess your age".

The man says, "Go on then love, but I bet ya can't".

She rolls her chair ever closer to his aluminium frame and proceeds to undo his trouser fly and have a good old grope around his genitalia before uttering: "You're 84".

"How did you know that?!", said the man.

"You told me last week."

TiptheOdds
can you not do a topic
any bad jokes

what do you mean?

^ Some GOOD Jokes everyone does this
start a new threid Any Bad Jokes

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

itsmyturn, there are enough bad jokes posted on the forum. I´m looking for some decent jokes.

How about you offering up something then?

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **c off."

What's the differemce between a make of car tyre and 365 bl0w jobs?

One's a Goodyear, the other a fecking excellent year!

TiptheOdds
Sorry i only know bad ones

Knock Knock who is there Dr
Dr Who

Dr i feel like a pair of curtains
Oh pull yourself tigether

you´re no kidding!

try this:

A guy goes to the pub and says to his friend:

:D

^ :^0

Japanese scientists have invented a camera that is so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her gob shut.

TiptheOdds as its christmas here is my best ever joke


Why did George Michael have chocolate on his face
he was Careless with his Wispa

Whats the difference between Jordan and a Kit-Kat?

You only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat!

Boy said to his Dad: "Whats the difference between a prat and a cnut?"

"Come with me son"

They go to the bedroom where Mum is asleep and the dad lifts up the Duvet

"That's a prat son."

The boy starts laughing, and Dad says...

"Be quiet, you'll wake the cnut up!"

Whoops! Begins with a C.

In the paper it said "Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather".

Not once has my 87 year old neighbour come round to check if i'm alright.

The lazy cow hasnt even taken her milk in for 2 weeks.

I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a ** for christmas so if she dont like the slippers she can go and fck herself

* **

Lol...**ing hell betfair...vibrator

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9 for originality!
2 old as the hills
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4 funny but heard a million times
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You knowe those yellow signs the police put by the side of the road.

I saw one in east London, it said :

' Here on Friday evening. Help wanted with violent assault of nigerian man.'

I turned up with a baseball bat.

Fecking police never arrived.

my wifes star sign was cancer, so its quite ironic how she died...

attacked by a massive crab :(

I was in the loft earlier looking for the christmas decorations when i came across an unopened present from last year.

The kids were ever so excited and their faces lit up.

It wasnt until they opened it, i remembered that i had bought them a puppy.

someone said to me 'describe your life in a nutshell'

i said 'its very dark and cramped'.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are galloping accross the plains, suddenly they stop and Tonto leaps off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. 'Much Buffalo Come' says Tonto. 'That's amazing' said the Lone Ranger 'how do you know this, can you hear their hooves'
'No' says Tonto 'my ears all sticky'

Not long now until the big day for my sex change operation.

They've explained how they surgically remove my dick and bo11ocks.

They've explained how they implant silicon to give me breasts.

They haven't as yet though gone in to detail about the procedure to take away my road sense.

:) unfortunately, so true. I am a lousy driver.

People in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young
blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from
the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red
mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the
dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle
me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the
dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"





The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so
I can slap that French tw@t again"

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4 - mildly amusing but too complicated

:)

A dwarf walks in between a ladies legs,he got a** round the ear and a flap round the face.....

**** = c lit

whats the difference between santa claus and tiger woods?

santa stops at 3 ho's.

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4 - lost a point for unnecessary punctuation

:)

A brunette sees an advert for a cruise for £99 she thinks it is a good offer so pays the money. The travel agent gives her a rubber ring and throws her in the river. While she is floating down the river she sees a blode in a rubber ring floating down the river who has obviously paid for the same cruise. She asks the blonde "Do you get any food on this cruise?". The blonde says "WEll we didn't do last year"

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