The mother-in-law

lol

Sorry to tell u this bigH but as sure as eggs are eggs...SHE WILL

My mother in law live 175 yards away. She used to come round every day unitl I banned smoking in the house.Now we see her about once a week in the winter as she does 40 a day comfortably.

Starts every sentence with ' I'm not being funny but...... '

lol :-)

15 minutes ago she had a go at me for "slicing a pork pie the wrong way"

I cut it in to 8 wedge shaped pieces, all the same size

Is there another way?

H :............dont stand for it, sling her out in the cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bigH 25 Dec 11:57


Who has got the worst mother-in-law?

Mine:

Witters non-stop in a contrived "posh" accent ( she's originally from Welling)
Repeats herself over and over and over and over
Doesn't listen to anyone
Can't follow the thread of a conversation
Constantly interrupts and starts talking about something completely different
Spouts the Daily Mail line on immigration, crime etc
Has been a housewife all her life and is telling me how to safeguard my job in the recession
Does not understand irony
Has no sense of humour and does not get any jokes
Starts every sentence with " I'll tell you what you should do...."
Insisted on telling me how to spread butter on some bread when I was making a sandwich last night

I'm just praying my missus doesn't end up like her

Absolutely briiliant m8, it sounds like you MARRIED the wrong lady, get her drunk now :)

Mine just refused a cup of tea ..." im ok..ive got a lemonade on the go" she says. I make everybody (9 ) a cup of tea and as i sit down she pipes up" oh..go on then..i will have a cup of tea and whilst yer up can you do me a turkey sandwich"...grhhhhh!!!!!

Shoot her in the face (nap).

Mine is not unpleasant - takes half a glass of wine but nothing more. She is uncomfortable when I go further. She is disparaging of my betting activities (I think she was raised as a Methodist).

We had the normal 'seven course' meal today.

Dinner was supposed to be 2-30, I bet the Mrs it would be late. Got there at 2-25, ma-in-law and pa-in-law were busy enjoying the first course... a fag.......which was Nap (1) home and dry, same thing every year, smoking is the be all and end all of life.

Starter for us, second course for them was at 2-40, so Nap (2) strolled in as dinner was late.

After the starter, I had a glass of wine while the in-laws went for course 3.........another fecking fag.

Our 2nd course consumed, we sat there waiting for dessert while they had course 5.........another bastid fag.

And after dessert, I went into the conservatory for a cigar, where they smoke so much that as I went through the doors I felt like saying ' Tonight Matthew.. I'm going to be.......' and they had the cheek to say that my cigars stink.

They can freeze themselves to fkn death in the garden tomorrow 'cos they ain't smoking in my house.

Why do we always have to play the mother in law, home and away over 2 legs in the space of 2 days? Can anyone expain? :(

bigH

FANTASTIC! all of those apply well done mate.!

my favourite mother in law experiences on christmas day include lines such as "arent the roads busy?" ON POSSIBLY THE QUIETEST DAY OF THE YEAR

this woman hasnt worked since 1973

she really is the original cats ad cottages, hanging baskets, daily mail, flowery tw8t dress type ever

other lines such as " i expect people are rushing because of the queens speech.." NO !

I got right under her skin one year when i said i wanted to watch the alternative speech by the most dignified of them all, stephen lawrences mother,,,i could just see her doing a puke a la little britain at the thought of watching,

agreed, constant interruptions, adoration of mary fuucking poppin and an arse the size of bolivia

this was my first marriages mother in law and i am relieved to be writing in the past tense

I quite like the M.I.L but there is something similar that really annoys me.We have xmas lunch with my wifes brothers and sisters and kids etc its a great day everyone is good company.Almost everyone!But there's one inevitable part that drives me nuts.The telling of old stories.The same ones every year.For 20 years.Word for word.I know 'em all off by heart.How can I tell them please no more its enough without offending them?

I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas,
...but she wouldn't plug it in.

thinly veiled "MILILF" thread

set fire to her moustache

ttt

my very own groundhog day coming right up

LumpOn Dick 27 Dec 10:06
set fire to her moustache


pmsl

When married M.I.L. came round at Christmas, fav. saying "I only eat like a bird" cue ex glaring at me as if to say, don't you dare say Vulture. Then she'd flatten the gin, wade through the red wine, guzzle the port,follow that with a couple of large cognacs and then demand to be taken down to the local where she would provoke a mini riot. Christmas seems quiet since my divorce. :D

My mother in law, will not let me, the wife or the kids in her house if we have a ccold, once took the prezzies off us through the window the wretched woman.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow at as the most hated woman on the planet is having xmas lunch with us,the kids think shes great They both are like walking chimneys,her second husband is a big girls blouse,they both think they are now middle class professional people sadly it goes out the window when they pull up in the tatty clapped out mondeo wearing cheap sports clothes.

Clues for disaster with a future mother in law.
If they ever utter the words "what you should do..." do or worse "what you need to do.." Get out of it fast

2 foot of snow here in Yorks and the MIL has taken the kids and the dog out for a walk.She wont be happy when she hears I,m off to the pub at lunchtime though

I'm from Welling and I'm cogent, articulate and literate.

On what Subject would you like to "wax loquacious" ???

Admire the inverted snobbery as if hailing from Welling precludes someone from speaking The Queens English lol

Actually its even worse than that as I was born at The Elephant and Castle and anytime you wish to discuss any of Shakespeares 39 plays and innumerable Sonnets, then let me know.

Daily Mail line on immigration?

I returned to my beloved Inner South London last night and "my" Culture was heavily in the minority.

45 years ago "my" Culture was a 99% majority so its rather hard to see it dissipate and, virtually, disappear in ones lifetime.

I was born in Newham, but got out.

I agree with 'arry.

It's reading freds like this that make me glad that a cute 24-year-old girl blew me out yesterday :D

Spirit Of My Weigh 24 Dec 11:51
I'm from Welling and I'm cogent, articulate and literate.

I'm sure there are loads of people from Welling who are all the above, including your good self.

Though I'd bet that very few of them have a "Hyacinth Bouquet" accent. She's a terrible snob, she won't even tell the neighbours that she's from Welling, she says she's from "close to Blackheath"

I don't understand why people aren't proud of their roots, birthplace, accent etc

I am from Welling as well and I can read, speak and write properly. There are quite a lot who struggle though I grant you.

Just to add, I think Welling is a perfectly nice place and I would never hide the fact that I live there.

i think i passed through it once looked ok ..

my mother in law usually gets steaming drunk after 2 glasses of red ,then dean martin gets put on and a bit of dance music
fortunately I like dean martin.

Is she a looker?

The mother-in-law i hate her she is so ugly the annoying thing is everyone says my wife is her spitting image

my mother in law lives 6000+miles away - and cannot speak english


perfeck!

my future mother-in-law is an alcoholic,druggy,bisexual.She's single and if you saw her you wouldn't be shocked at that.Lives with 3 cats and is quite content just sitting at home letting the cats eat food from her mouth.

I think my Mother-in -law is fantastic

My M-I-L think I am a drunken bum who has corrupted her daughter (She's right actually).

Anyway every xmas she stays with us and insists on what we eat, what we watch etc etc

I get my own back by sha*ing her daughter as loudly as possible while she's in the spare room about 10 feet away,

And then this morning I did an absolute beauty. She was pottering about asking where the soap was, my wife was downstairs and I was lying in bed with nowt on. She was making a right commotion, so I put a towel round myself and went to the bathroom to see what she wanted. I went to get some out of the cupboard, and accidently on purpose dropped the towel, giving her a good look at my semi-erect coc* and arse. She did have a good look as well, the dirty cow.

"I get my own back by sha*ing her daughter as loudly as possible while she's in the spare room about 10 feet away"

Gillette?

sorry should have been two g's, mind you, i do shave her as well but not loudly

The mother-in-law spitting image of Susan**with a fiery temper

Jeezz..i've been quite lucky in comparison.First wife's was a bit of a dragon though just used to totally ignore me and drink f@cking sherry all day on xmas day then bugger off at 7pm so i can't complain.

Current birds mum though is quite tidy v good body and about 5 yrs ago gave me a kind of very quick w@nk after a night out (we'd arrived back at hotel 10 mins before the others).Thankfully she kept quiet and never uttered a word or a sign what had gone on the previous night.

i dont have one anymore
divorced

:^0 :^0 :^0

happy fckn xmas yeeeehaaa

my mother phoned early this afternoon wanting me to go over to move her computer off the table so that it would be clear for my sister to lay tomorrow before dinner.I told her id do it tomorrow morning as id just finished work and had things to do, but she wasnt too happy about and wanted it done today (god knows why ) and put the phone down. The wife ,not wanting any fuss being made, decided to go and do it for her (took 3 mins0.
After she'd moved it my mother asked her "you came all the way down here just to do that ?"
You can never win sometimes.
p.s. mother got the wife to dosome hoovering while she was there.

what kind of very quick w&nk? u spaff on chebs?

I've had the mother- in -law around for xmas for the last 20 years but it's going to be different this year .I'm going to let her in .

The mother-in-law she stays with us now and gets out twice a week puts the bin out tuesday and brings it back in on wednesday

^ as you go out?

might let the mother in law empty my sack tomorrow!!

itsmyturn 24 Dec 16:59
The mother-in-law she stays with us now and gets out twice a week puts the bin out tuesday and brings it back in on wednesday

you talking rubbish or what

dannyho12
Don't trash me

"I get my own back by sha*ing her daughter as loudly as possible while she's in the spare room about 10 feet away"

Shaking?

Groundhog day approaches so thought I would give this an airing

Nothing has changed apart from the M-I-L's face is now wrinkled than my ballbag

Probably hairier too.

bigH, your description of the m-i-l sounds like a lot of the old timers who frequent chitchat.

LumpOn Dick 27 Dec 08

set fire to her moustache

How did I miss this first time around? MIL's that are not annoying as fk are a very rare breed indeed.

She shuffled off many years ago.

She was a complete dingbat!

Never had any kind of conversation with her, and the only things she said, and often, were "Coffeeing again", "More foreign muck"  (when we were cooking)
and "We like it, don't we George" when they were trilling away to "Sing Something Simple"!

not my line but
I always know when the mother-In-law is about to visit...the mice throw em'selves on the traps.

Doesn't listen to anyone
Can't follow the thread of a conversation
Constantly interrupts and starts talking about something completely different

Is she perhaps deaf?

If so I can relate to that!
Haven't a clue, sometimes, what's going on, and have something to say, but don't know when to come in!

I think our good friend S.F.B.T.W. might relate to this too!

Big H
your horrifying ignorance of pork pie etiquette displays a stunning frightening social inadequacy

I have to do my duty as an honest forumite and press the red button

Your mother in law (of course) is correct.

she's landed!!

10 minutes in and she is not happy with our xmas tree

Apparently "it could be bushier"

she is right - always right - mind you I like it bushier too!!!!

MIL complaining about the low temperature in the house

woodburner on
central heating on full blast

my eyeballs are drying up and I am sweating my nads off

seasons greetings- just skyping the planet so popped in on here in between Houston Control duties:

I have the BEST MIL

she lives 5000+miles away and speaks a different language

Happy Days

So she is 1000 miles closer than she was 6 years ago.
by my calculations, in 30 years time, she will be on you're doorstep

I've just spoke to my mother in law (on Thursday) for the first time in eighteen months. And that was only because her husband had just died. I don't like and I couldn't stand him.

^^ don't like her

the eagle has landed

This thread gives me a good xmas chuckle merry xmas all and hopefully the MIL's aren't too much of a pain in the arse!

keep us updated bigH and merry xmas.

BonViv...


Hang on a sec...your MIL gave you a quick w@nk?  WTF??

a few corkers already

update to follow

I haven't spoken to my MIL for over 5 years.
I'm not ignoring her, I just don't like to interrupt.

(Thanks Les )

They have finally gone but only after eating all our food and burning all our wood

They were up at 6am every morning complaining about being cold. Despite the central heating being on 24/7 they had the wood burner going full blast by 7am every day. My eyeballs had literally dried out by the end of each day due to the heat

Some of the gripes....

1. Within a minute of arriving and getting out of their car the MIL gleefully informed me that the height of the hedges each side of the driveway were "a bit uneven"

2. She thought our Christmas tree was "disappointing", "last year's was better".

3. Apparently I am putting the wrong sort of wood in our wood burner. I get my wood from a mate who is a tree surgeon, I chainsaw it into logs and keep in a logstore but according to MIL I should be using using kiln-dried logs because "they burn better"

bigH - it seems like your MIL literally knows everything in the world. You lucky fella

bigH beilliant.

Also the @rse as big as Bolivia made me chuckle. Great thread.