BEST JOKES EVER...

If you can't impress her simply by dropping yer trousers its time to move on!

Can't impress her by doing that but could certainly make her laugh so thanks :)

A survey was conducted with 100 men. Do you like women with plump or slim legs, 32% said slim, 13% said plump, and the rest said they preferred something inbetween.

Solve homelessness in an instant - put lesbian porn pictures in The Big Issue.

A mute couple of newlyweds return from honeymoon. As they settle in to married life, the woman signs to the husband it would be a good idea to introduce some bedroom signals to avoid confusion in the dark.

She mouths to him "At bedtime, if I'm you are in the mood for sex, take your hand and place it on my right breast. However, if you are not in the mood, take your hand and place it on my left breast. Understand?"

He nods, before replying "Ok. If you are in the mood for sex, take your hand and place it round my pen1s and pull it once. If you are not in the mood, pull it fifty times."

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was...............

"C E L E B R A T E ! ! ! "

With SNOOCH'S elephant joke I would only do it to your wife or long term partner.

too kind annie

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid A$400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on A$800 a year'

Martin O'Neill walks into the Aston Villa changing room at half-time and sees a massive turd on the floor.

" FFS" he shouts " who's schit on the **in' floor?"

Emile Heskey sheepishly sticks his hand up:

"Me Boss - but I'm not too bad in the air! "

A man comes home to find his blonde wife wearing an open leather jacket over the top of a parka coat while painting the house.

Although he is amazed by the excellent job she is doing he can't help but notice that the sweat is pouring from her.

He says "You're doing a great job love but why are you wearing the leather jacket and the parka?"
She says "Er hello!" in a sarcastic tone "read the **cing tin..... it says for best results put on two coats"

Baby penguin says to his dad 'If I ask you a question will you tell me the truth?'

He said 'Yes son, what do you want to know?'

Baby penguin said ' Are you my real daddy?'

Daddy penguin said ' Yes son, of course I am.'

Baby asked 'And is mummy my real mummy?'

Daddy penguin answered 'Of course she is. Why all these daft questions, what's wrong?'

And baby penguin said 'I'm facking freezing.'

Priest arrives at a 4 star hotel and goes to reception. "I have a reservation in the name of father O'donell"

(receptionist) "Yes father your room is ready, here is your key"

"I made a special request, I hope the porn is disabled?"

(receptionist) " No you weirdo it's normal porn!"

why does karl marx drink herbal tea......because proper tea is theft

00.07am can i eat my advent calender chocolate now ?

I met this girl in the pub, and she told me her "sex was on fire.

She lied. But ironically, it now burns when I**

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask

my mate bought one of then thai brides and when he got home the other night she was packing her bags and told him she was leaving him.
when he asked her why she said she found put he was a paedoph1le, he said fluck me , thats a big word for a 12 year old