Labels, translations, instructions, and other funnies

I found this massive list, and whittled it down a bit, and made it more forum-friendly.
Some of them are quite amusing.
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Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's

Warning: Do not use on eyes
In the manual for a heated seat cushion

Fragile. Do not drop
On a Boeing 747

Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice
On a box of rat poison

Electronics, like people, sometimes get confused
On V-tech phone

Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish
On a bottle of shampoo for dogs

Do not use intimately
On a tube of deodorant

Warning: knives are sharp
On the packaging of a sharpening stone

Nothing sucks like an Electrolux
Used in an American advert by Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux

Do not look into laser with remaining eye
On a laser pointer

Do not increase volume past threshold of pain
On German headphones

Warning: This product can burn eyes
On a curling iron

Do not iron clothes on body
On packaging for a Rowenta iron

Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use
On a battery

Please keep out of children
On a butcher knife

When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty
'Salem-Feeling Free',translated into Japanese - advert for Salem cigarettes

I saw the potato
'I saw the Pope' when translated into Spanish on American made T-Shirts

Let us know about an uneficiency as well as leaking on the service. Our utmost will improve it
Sign in Belgrade hotel

Schweppes Toilet Water
Schweppes Tonic Water translated into Italian

Do not use orally
On a toilet bowl cleaning brush


Warning: May contain small parts
On a frisbee

Do not use as ear plugs
On a package of silly putty

Do not use orally after using rectally
Instructions for an electric thermometer

May be harmful if swallowed
On a shipment of hammers

Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand
In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers
From a manual for an SGI computer

Warning: May contain nuts
On a package of peanuts


The manager has personally passed all the water served here
In an Acapulco hotel

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted
On a sign at a railroad station

Not to be used as a personal flotation device
On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame

Please remove before driving
On the back of a cardboard windshield used to keep car cool

Remove plastic before eating
On sweet wrapper

Not dishwasher safe
On TV remote

Six Naked Pigs
'The Full Monty' in Mandarin

Warning: Do not put any person in this washer
Seen on an industrial size laundry washer

Mr. Cat Poop
'As Good As It Gets' in Hong Kong

Don't Ask Me Who I Am
'The English Patient' in Hong Kong

The Big Liar
'Nixon' in Hong Kong

Bright Sun In Heavy Rain
'Dead Poets Society' in Hong Kong

Not for human consumption
On a package of dice

Mysterious Murder In Snowy Cream
'Fargo' in Hong Kong

Six Stripped Warriors
'The Full Monty' in Hong Kong

Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes
From a menu in Japan

Toes with butter and jam
From a menu in Bali

Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos
From a menu in Cairo

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly
On a child sized Superman costume

Suffer from diarrhoea
Spanish version of 'Turn it loose' - Coors Slogan

For indoor or outdoor use only
On a string of Christmas lights

This door is not to be used as an exit or an entrance
Sign on door at New York Post Office

Do Not Enter
Please Come In
Signs on a door at a motel in Savannah, GA

Parking for drive-through customers only
Sign at fast-food restaurant in San Francisco

Members and Non-members only
Sign at Hotel Emporio's Mandinga Disco, Mexico City

Non-Smoking Forbidden
Sign in hotel lobby, Jordan

The comfortable day bar, with its terrace over the valley where everybody feels himself in private, is appreciated by elderly people. After daylight, the evening bar, where music can not be heard in other parts of the castle, receives youngs and olders in a good relaxing atmosphere
Letter from hotel manager in France

Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained.
Sign at Langkawi Island in Malaysia

Swimming Pool Suggestions
Open 24 hours. Lifeguard on duty 8AM to 8PM
Drowning absolutely prohibited
Sign at Plantation Bay Resort, Philippines

1) Reach between legs
2) Grasp firmly
3) Pull
Ejection Seat Instructions from the**pit of a WWII US fighter

Welcome to our swimming ool. You noticed there is no p in it and we'd like to keep it that way
Seen at the gate of a swimming pool of a campsite in Australia

Cake your mother made: $5; Cake you think your mother made: $ 10
In New York supermarket

Tattoos done while you wait!
On a billboard

Now Hiring: 2 Chickens for $5.99
On KFC store

This motel highly recommended by owner
Sign on run down motel

CAUTION - WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN
Road sign

Open Seven Days a Week (Except Mondays)
Sign at a Long Island, NY restaurant

Automatic Washing Machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

This Sunday the preacher will give a sermon entitled 'What is hell?' Come early to listen to the choir practice
Church Bulletin

You have no reason to try our best restaurant
Slogan from the Arcadia Hotel restaurant, Jakarta, Indonesia

Caution, state correctional facility ahead, do not pick up hitchhikers
NY highway

End
Continuum
Road sign

CAUTION! Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation
On a box of household nails

WARNING: DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP
On a blow dryer

WARNING: Contents flammable
On a container of lighter fluid

For best results, start with clean bathtub before use
On a bottle of bathtub cleaner

Warning: High in sodium
Seen on a container of salt

Visit our site for further instructions. http://www.companyname.com
Seen on computer instructions

Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death
On the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle

Remove child before folding
On Pushchair

Do not put lit candles on phone
Instructions for a cordless phone

Safe for carpets, too
On carpet cleaner

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper
Church Bulletin

Toilet out of order, please use floor below
Sign on toilet door

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet The Lord Knows Why
Church Bulletin

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies, giving milk, please come early
Church Bulletin

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing 'Put Me In My Little Bed' accompanied by the Pastor
Church Bulletin

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar
Church Bulletin

Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins

Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice
Warning on a curling iron

Do not open here
Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle

Thursday At 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study
Church Bulletin

Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin
In the window of a Swedish furrier

Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream
From a menu in China

Sweat from the trolley
From a menu in Europe

Rather burnt land slug
On a menu in Thailand

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself
Information about using a Japanese hotel's air conditioner

Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong

Buttered saucepans and fried hormones
From a menu in Japan

To stop the drip, turn c0ck to right
In a Finnish washroom

Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

Fried friendship
From a menu in Nepal

Pork with fresh garbage
From a menu in Vietnam

Stop: Drive Sideways
Detour sign in Japan

Finger to spiritual emptiness underlying everything
How a C manual referred to a 'pointer to void'

ANTIQUE Tables Made Here Daily
Sign outside antique's shop

Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases
On a bottle of Chinese medicine

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man
In a Bangkok temple

Special**tails for the ladies with nuts
In a Tokyo bar

We take your bags and send them in all directions
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it
On the door of a Moscow hotel room

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar
In a Norwegian**tail lounge

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in
From a brochure

Please be sure to keep the vents on top open. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and dust
Instructions for a computer monitor

Strawberry crap
From a menu in Japan

1. Lift up receiver. 2. Insert phone card. 3. Dial 0999 + number. 4. Say Hello
On a phone card in Japan

Let's decompose and enjoy assembling
Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan

Specialist in women and other diseases
In the office of a Roman doctor

Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away
Instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle

Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants
On the packaging for a wristwatch

English well talking. - Here speeching American
On an Majorcan shop entrance

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose
In a Zurich hotel

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty
At a Budapest zoo

Please to bathe inside the tub
In a Japanese hotel room

Come to Juan's Jewelry Shop. We won't screw you too much
From a jewelry shop in Mexico

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time
In a Rome laundry

Please leave your values at the front desk
In a Paris hotel elevator

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order
In a Belgrade hotel elevator

Fits one head
On a shower cap

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily
In a hotel in Athens

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable
In a Bucharest hotel lobby

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid
In a Yugoslavian hotel

Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis
In a Tokyo Hotel

Serving suggestion: Defrost
On a frozen dinner

Use like regular soap
On bar of soap

Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin

Open packet. Eat contents
Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts

In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly
Emergency procedures at summer camp

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up
In a Leipzig elevator

For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service
In a Hong Kong supermarket

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce
From a menu in China

Fly naked
'Fly in leather', when translated into Spanish

Eat your fingers off
'Finger lickin' good', when translated into Chinese

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest

In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter
In a Vienna hotel

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years
From the Soviet Weekly

Ladies may have a fit upstairs
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away
From a tourist brochure

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion
On the menu of a Polish hotel

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid
In a Japanese hotel