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An email forwarded by a teacher friend !
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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:^0
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An email forwarded by a teacher friend !
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) of course they are !! |
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Can we also get the correct answers to compare and contrast please.
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Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) :^0 |
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Facts
the bits in brackets were added by my friend, the rest are genuine :0 |
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p.s. they are not all from the same student !
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Honestly! These have been around for years. Your friend's either a feeble liar or you are.
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My internet connection is very slow :D
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Sent to me on 2nd nov:
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. ) These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head |
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You just copy&pasted my list (nap)
My friend (who is a teacher) sent me the email which has been around for years (according to sparky) only today (nb) |
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I got it from a friend who always forwards me all sorts of crap, usually kittens cuddling lizards and all that stuff.
She's not a teacher and it arrived on 2 nov. |
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Here is it posted on a forum in 2003 :D
http://www.neowin.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=109480&pid=1279505&mode=threaded&show=&st=0 |
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pussies cuddling lizards :0
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would they really ask gcse studetns to name the 4 seasons? surely thats a 3 year-old's level.
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lmao love the four seasons one
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C/P from another forum.
These are genuine snippets taken from various complaint letters sent to Dublin City Council by angry residents. so read and enjoy the choice of words used! 1. ...My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. ...He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. ...Its the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow... 4. ...I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. ...I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6. ...And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. ...I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof... I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 8. ...My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. ...I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. ...Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday , and now she is pregnant. 11. ...I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 12. ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 13. ...I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14. ...The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15. ...Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 16. ...Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces... 17. ...I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6:00 am. his** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 18. ...The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 19. ...Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 20. ...I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 21. ...Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 22. ...I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction. 23. ...This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. |
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Looks like I've been duped :(
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From radioi quiz shows, posted before but does deserve a repost
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Nice one jayco :^0
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Think I've been duped tbh as I alwasy thought the 4 seasons were Frankie Vallie, Tommy DeVito, Nick Massi and Bob Gaudio.
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Did Frankie Valli sing with them?
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Chedpitt :-)
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Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election PMSL, genuine. MY ARSE! |
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For my History 'O' level 25 years ago, I was asked
"What was the Black Hole of Calcutta", I answered "It was a black hole found in Calcutta" "What was the Boston Tea Party", "It was a tea party held in Boston" For my French written I was asked to write 100 word essay on Paris, I wrote 20 words about myself. Needless to say I received a U grade in both. |
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