Chit Chat
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money.
Inside, he finds a young couple naked in bed. He orders the woman out of the bed and ties her to a chair. While tying the guy face down to the bed. The guy then sees the convict strip naked , and sit on his wifes knee on the chair and then he starts kissing her neck and whispering sweet nothings into her ear , he then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you!"
His wife responds,
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline and I told him it was in the bathroom cupboard .
Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Inside, he finds a young couple naked in bed. He orders the woman out of the bed and ties her to a chair. While tying the guy face down to the bed. The guy then sees the convict strip naked , and sit on his wifes knee on the chair and then he starts kissing her neck and whispering sweet nothings into her ear , he then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you!"
His wife responds,
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline and I told him it was in the bathroom cupboard .
Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Paddy is asked whether he prefers legs or breasts and replies " i'm quite fond of shaven beavers actually" to which the reply comes "i'm sorry sir that's not an option in a KFC bargain bucket".
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whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
one's a marsupial,and the other's a geordie stuck in a lift |
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what's the difference between a forklift truck and a giraffe?
one has hydraulics and the other has high b0llocks |
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In Order;
3/10 0/10 7/10 1/10 |
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wahey,i'm in the lead :)
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wahey,i'm not last
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think i might still have my head in front after that reg..:)
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Guy in Los Angeles - riding his motorbike along the pacific coast. Suddenly he gets a call from God. God says to him '' Ive been watching you throughout your life - youve been a great guy, great husband, great dad, youre well respected in your community, do stuff for charity .... id like to grant you one wish - whatever you like, just tell me ''
So the guy says '' well, god - i was just thinking - i love going to hawaii, i spend all my holidays there - but of course i have to fly - couldnt you just build a bridge over the water from here - then I could just get on my bike and cruise over there - the sun and the wind on my back - would be simply fantastic'' God says '' well man, sure i could do that, but you realize its a big ask - its 2,000 miles over to hawaii, think of all the concrete id have to put up, all the concrete support in to the sea - thered have to be hundreds of gas stations, all the emergency services, police, fire rescue, ambulance services - it would have a massive impact on the environment ..... is there not something else i could do for you instead?'' So the guy says ''sure, i understand - i can see its rather a big demand. Well there is one other thing, actually .... ive been married 25 years, and i love my wife dearly - but she always seems to be so moody - when i try to surprise her with something nice it's never right, and even when i do exactly as she asks she's never satisfied .... could you just say a few words on what it is that makes women tick, so I can actually be sure to make her happy? '' And God says .... '' about that bridge, would you like me to put 2 lanes or 4 lanes on it? '' |
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Cat
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whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
one's a marsupial,and the other's a geordie stuck in a lift LOVE IT - ALMOST CHOCKED WITH LAUGHTER |