Cheltenham Festival
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* Girl from Abba tribute band is putting up 10 pounds overweight and squuezes into a dress she really shouldn't.
* But by your third pint you are convinced she has just winked at you during a song and feel better about it all.
* Bogs are full in Best Mate enclosure and you have a pi55 round the back.
* You pick the winner of the Supreme / change your mind to the favourite who turns out to be the festival bridle ponce horse.
* You get stuck next to the bloke in the bar who went through the card yesterday even though three winners were priced over 25-1 , his wife backs him up as he is a natural.
* You leg it past the 73 year old irish woman selling 'lucky irish clover' pretending you haven't got change although by Friday this is true as you are brassick.
* Your mate doesn't have a winner on day one but he 'fancied all the winners'
* You breathe a huge sigh of relief as your friend nearly pulls off a 33-1 winner in the handicap - you privately laugh when it gets beaten by a nose. Same happens to you in the next race and it isn't quite so funny.
* By Thursday you have met 734 under 30's dressed as jockeys who think they are hilarous.
* You get back at midnight and watch Channel Four highlights and the highlights are nothing like your recollection of the races.
* You feel like **** on Friday morning but get three beers down your neck and you are convinced it's your year in the Gold Cup.
* The Somalian behind the bar (temp worker) charges you £4.20 for a beer that has a bigger head on it than Frank Sidebotham.
* You spend two hours mulling over the Placepot only to fall at the first leg when the fav. finishes unplaced.
* You spend £40 during the week on hamburgers that are desperate but you can't wait to buy The Irish Telegragh on your way to the course as it gives you a free race card - only true value of the week.
* You get home at 10-30pm only to see the bloke you hate most on the Betfair Forum has put up the supreme winner in October and got on at 33-1 you hope it will happen to you tomorrow.
* 30 men aged 25 or under sink Chelsea songs together an hour later they are scrapping and two coppers move in to remove them. (same coppers every year).
But it's the Festival and we love it ....see you there
* But by your third pint you are convinced she has just winked at you during a song and feel better about it all.
* Bogs are full in Best Mate enclosure and you have a pi55 round the back.
* You pick the winner of the Supreme / change your mind to the favourite who turns out to be the festival bridle ponce horse.
* You get stuck next to the bloke in the bar who went through the card yesterday even though three winners were priced over 25-1 , his wife backs him up as he is a natural.
* You leg it past the 73 year old irish woman selling 'lucky irish clover' pretending you haven't got change although by Friday this is true as you are brassick.
* Your mate doesn't have a winner on day one but he 'fancied all the winners'
* You breathe a huge sigh of relief as your friend nearly pulls off a 33-1 winner in the handicap - you privately laugh when it gets beaten by a nose. Same happens to you in the next race and it isn't quite so funny.
* By Thursday you have met 734 under 30's dressed as jockeys who think they are hilarous.
* You get back at midnight and watch Channel Four highlights and the highlights are nothing like your recollection of the races.
* You feel like **** on Friday morning but get three beers down your neck and you are convinced it's your year in the Gold Cup.
* The Somalian behind the bar (temp worker) charges you £4.20 for a beer that has a bigger head on it than Frank Sidebotham.
* You spend two hours mulling over the Placepot only to fall at the first leg when the fav. finishes unplaced.
* You spend £40 during the week on hamburgers that are desperate but you can't wait to buy The Irish Telegragh on your way to the course as it gives you a free race card - only true value of the week.
* You get home at 10-30pm only to see the bloke you hate most on the Betfair Forum has put up the supreme winner in October and got on at 33-1 you hope it will happen to you tomorrow.
* 30 men aged 25 or under sink Chelsea songs together an hour later they are scrapping and two coppers move in to remove them. (same coppers every year).
But it's the Festival and we love it ....see you there
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Bigger head than Frank Sidebottom....classic! All so true.
Like the Irish newspaper one H. Irish Independent sponsor the Arkle with free racecard.....only costs a quid I seem to recall and you're right, it is the best value of the week!
where's the venue inside chelt--where there's big screens an betting
Thommo used to shout down to them on TV
I've never been but would like to go there
Preferably ladies day
Thommo used to shout down to them on TV
I've never been but would like to go there
Preferably ladies day
He probably won't if he has to pay his own way in....from Yorkshire, short arms amd deep pockets don't tha know.
* You spend two hours mulling over the Placepot only to fall at the first leg when the fav. finishes unplaced.
Dear God how feckin true is that , and you only put the Fav in because you don't want to go out on first race even though you didn't really fancy it but the 66/1 shot you fancied and had a few pennies on each way comes third and you think ' Why the feckin ell .....'
Dear God how feckin true is that , and you only put the Fav in because you don't want to go out on first race even though you didn't really fancy it but the 66/1 shot you fancied and had a few pennies on each way comes third and you think ' Why the feckin ell .....'
All of it,The Frank Sidebottom quip is spot on oh and one of those Abba tribute girls winked at me one..Only noticed cause her skirt was so short
Newspaper ...placepot....beer seller ....mint ....oh yes and the jockeys
I can guarantee if MTOY doesn't win the supreme Big Mac will be looking for a sub. He has a devious plan or so he thinks
* You desperately try to get a free yellow betfair scarf despite saying "never again", after bringing you out in a rash last year
* You manage to to get a free 8 line placepot perm using the free vouchers from the will hill girls on the high street
* Spend hours looking through the form and place £20 win bets.... have a skin full and throw ton bets in the bumper and charity race with looking at the racing post
* Convince a lapdancer she should be doing this and should run away with you.
* Buy a gram of coke from an 17yo in revolution and fall asleep 30 mins after taking it
* Think there is no way I am walking to the course this year and then sit in a taxi for 45 mins as every race-goer walks past you whilst you are stuck in traffic
* Pay £13 for a redbull and vodka in Queens Hotel and try to impress the posh totty by telling them you are interesting in 3 day eventing.
* You manage to to get a free 8 line placepot perm using the free vouchers from the will hill girls on the high street
* Spend hours looking through the form and place £20 win bets.... have a skin full and throw ton bets in the bumper and charity race with looking at the racing post
* Convince a lapdancer she should be doing this and should run away with you.
* Buy a gram of coke from an 17yo in revolution and fall asleep 30 mins after taking it
* Think there is no way I am walking to the course this year and then sit in a taxi for 45 mins as every race-goer walks past you whilst you are stuck in traffic
* Pay £13 for a redbull and vodka in Queens Hotel and try to impress the posh totty by telling them you are interesting in 3 day eventing.
NAP:
* Force 16 pints of Guinness down your neck on the Thursday, despite never touching the stuff for the other 364 days of the year
* Force 16 pints of Guinness down your neck on the Thursday, despite never touching the stuff for the other 364 days of the year
Our on course permed tricast/exacta (only £1 ish each) will go down every race 
She's 81. Funny thing is I do remember saying to a Swedish lapdancer in the 90s that she was better than this and that I would look after her. I bet she is doing better than me now.
You get back at midnight and watch Channel Four highlights and the highlights are nothing like your recollection of the races. LOL
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