"The only reason the Arabs and Jews have managed to keep their nasty little war going for 50 years is because it never bloody rains there. If the post-war powers had put Israel in Manchester, there'd have been no bloodshed."
[Taking part in a lorry-driving task] - "Change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in a day "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
"The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
[On American city Detroit] - "God may have created the world in six days, but while He was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."
[On Segways - ( Electric 2 wheel gyropeds) "They're made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."
"I do apologise, we have wasted your evening. There are no good Korean or Malaysian cars."
"The highlight of my childhood? It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
[On the MG SV prototype] - "At this point, the Germans are probably rolling around on the floor laughing: 'So, ze Tommies have made ein car out of spit und Kleenex? Zhey will be crushed'."
"Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you."
[On the Renault Master] - "That's as good looking as a plumber's bum crack!"
[On the Chevrolet Corvette Z06] - "This car is rather like herpes. Great fun catching it, not so much fun living with it!"
[On the Renault Clio V6 handling in a bend] - "In typical French fashion it just gives up! A bit like the French did with the Germans."
[On Sarah Jessica Parker] - "She looks like a boiled horse!"
[On sat navs] - "Everyone can navigate by instinct and if you can't, there's something wrong with you and you should be in prison. The only people who can't navigate instinctively are women and anyone trying to find Malpensa airport in Milan."
[On rapper Lethal Bizzle] - "It's acts like that which killed Top of The Pops in the first place. They kept booking acts like...what's his name? Jizzy tissue."
"Americans are good at herding Bison. The end."
"There is no end to the things I'd do to keep my children out of an inner-city state school. I'd rent my car to a minicab firm and my bottom to an internet downloader."
"I know plenty of people who take drugs, drive too fast and kill foxes, and they're all good company. But honestly, I would rather do time in a Turkish prison than spend time with a drinker."
[On the Lotus Elise] - "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory."
"Tonight, the new Viper which is the American equivalent of a sports car. In the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
[On an Aston Martin V8 vantage roadster] - "I would rather be in this than in Keira Knightley.
"There are signs directing you away from Birmingham, but nothing enticing you in."