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lmfao
21 Dec 09 15:49
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Date Joined: 07 Jun 06
| Topic/replies: 6,394 | Blogger: lmfao's blog
Only a golfer would understand



It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 am, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:



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Report golfnut December 21, 2009 3:58 PM GMT
lol...excellent...
Report geddi December 21, 2009 4:52 PM GMT
not bad 5/10
Report Happy Shankers December 21, 2009 5:07 PM GMT
8/10. I've been there!
Report Gary Binosh December 21, 2009 5:31 PM GMT
:)
Report Lucky Sod December 21, 2009 5:35 PM GMT
Reminds me of this one:

A golfer is having a bad time of it, his game is getting worse and worse. Soon he's so bad that he's embarrassed to be seen playing. He decides that he'll practice early in the morning so that nobody sees him and hopes to get better again fairly soon.
On the first morning, he's quite nervous but he tees up the ball on the first tee and gives it a smack. The ball slices viciously and flies over the golf club fence. The golfer hears one bounce and nothing. He's so depressed he packs his stuff up and goes home.
The next day he decides to persevere and tee's up early again. Again he slices the ball over the fence but this time the ball narrowly misses a man walking his dog. The golfer rushes over to the man apologizing as he goes.
"You were here and did the same thing yesterday weren't you?" the man asks the golfer.
"Yeah, I seem to have a problem with golf right now." the golfer answers.
"Did you see where yesterdays ball ended up?" the dog owner asks.
"No," says the golfer.
"Oh it bounced off a lamp-post onto the main road. It caused a car to skid into a mother pushing a pram. Both the mother and baby were killed instantly."
"That's terrible," exclaims the golfer, "What do you think I should do?"




"You want to drop your left shoulder."
Report Lucky Sod December 21, 2009 5:41 PM GMT
The wrong tees
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You **," he screams, red in the face, "You **ing b stard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Report cinkno1fan December 21, 2009 8:36 PM GMT
very good
Report marychain1 December 21, 2009 9:34 PM GMT
very good joke lucky sod, somewhat ruined by having the punchline as the title
Report golfnut December 21, 2009 10:20 PM GMT
Golden oldie this but new to some im sure.....


2 old guys out playin a round...they get to the 3rd,a road hole.... and just as one of em is on his backswing a funeral coutege drives past....

He stops mid swing,takes his hat off and stands upright showing total respect......

His mate says"That was nice Harry,you are a gent after all"

He replies.......

"Well...its the best i can do...after all i was married to her for 30 years"
Report beepbeep December 21, 2009 11:43 PM GMT
jim and his wife r out playing at their local municipal course when jim sliced his drive off into the cabbage.....he finds the ball but his path is blocked by trees....turns to the wife and says "if i clip this with a hooded 6 iron just clear the end of the cabbage keep it below that tree i could get this back on the fairway u know" he takes a swipe at it it comes out high whacks the tree rebounds back hits the wife between the eyes she hits the deck and is killed instantly.
6 months later he is out playing with his bud who off the same tee steps up and slices it off into the cabbage he finds the ball and says to jim "if i clip this with a hooded 6 iron just clear the end of the cabbage keep it below that tree i could get this back on the fairway u know" jim says to him "jesus mate dont be tryin that there i had a go at that 6 months ago and ended up with a 7!!!"
Report Lucky Sod December 22, 2009 7:20 PM GMT
Bill comes to work speaking in a hoarse voice. Ralph asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced his ball out of bounds and into a pasture.
However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stuck in the back end of the cow.
He lifted up the cow's tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"
That's when she hit him in the throat with a 3 iron.
Report lmfao December 23, 2009 12:10 PM GMT
The wife is standing forward on the ladies tee.

Guy makes his drive and kills her stone dead when his ball smashes into her skull.
Terrible accident - he loved her dearly- they had been inseparable for 20 years.

Later he got a phonecall from the autopsy room:


Sir - we found the strangest thing - a golf ball was lodged up your dead wifes anus . Have you any explanation?

'Was it a Teitlist 3 ?'

Yes


Ah- that would be my Provisional
Report Catch Me ifyoucan April 6, 2019 12:14 AM BST
It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."
Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.
A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"



A twist on an old wan for yous all.....

Nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ .."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
 
"Well, we were on the 5th tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made... ...and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
 
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
 
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
 
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 2 feet from the cup!"
 

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
just stared glaringly at the Nun and SAID..............

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"You missed the fc*king putt, didn't you?"



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"NO that wasn`t the fc*king problem" the Nun said.........

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"I missed the b*stard coming back". Devil
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