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26 Nov 09 21:00
Date Joined: 10 Jan 02
| Topic/replies: 2,185 | Blogger: madsimon's blog
players must remain quiet and orderly except when appealing as a quiet appeal will never be given out

Having 'tea' is always more important than playing cricket

There is a tension in the air a minute before 'tea' to see if it is at all possible to bowl another over before the great ceromony of 'tea' takes place . A clock is always shown -if it as a weathervane attached all the better
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Report Rampant Rabbit November 26, 2009 9:01 PM GMT
what do they have at tea? Is is scones and pastires and clotted cream and earl grey tea?

or is it musli heath bars and carrot juice?
Report GrimReaper November 27, 2009 8:52 AM GMT
I stopped reading when you used the word "rules".
Report good value losers November 27, 2009 9:39 AM GMT
Report anyother November 27, 2009 9:44 AM GMT
don't mention clocks and weathervanes to the reaper mate .. you'd be mad to
Report I Win All The Tim November 27, 2009 9:48 AM GMT
When hit by a plum LBW the batsman must either:
1. Look behind him and step forward, pretending not to notice.
2. Run forward regardless of where the ball lands

When players are running and there is a possible run out oppertunity, Bumble has to state "HE'S GOTTA GO"

During a half decent test match, commentators must state at least once "this is real cricket" and put down T20 cricket.
Report I Win All The Tim November 27, 2009 9:50 AM GMT
Whenever a new player is brought into the team, the commentators must bring up when Strauss included Darren Pattinson in the squad, and what a huge mistake this was, dispite the fact he actually played better than most of the other bowlers.
Report crookedarm November 27, 2009 3:38 PM GMT
England may only elect to take the final batting power play of an ODI if both batsman in a partnership have been at the crease for at least 10 overs and are 'in'. Otherwise it may only be taken at the last possible moment when a minimum of 8 wickets have been lost.
Report chart rundown November 27, 2009 6:57 PM GMT
Slip fielders who drop the ball must remain lying on the ground motionless for at least 30 seconds.
Out fielders who drop easy catches must retrieve the ball and throw it back to the keeper ten times quicker than they normally would.
Report good value losers November 27, 2009 7:02 PM GMT
whenever a bowler bowls a bad ball he must turn and stare accusingly at the footholds :^0
Report unmatched yet again November 27, 2009 7:17 PM GMT
no matter how much of a chucker a bowler is the icc declare his action legal if he is from sri lanka
Report Mellor November 27, 2009 9:09 PM GMT
when you have an lbw decision that is clearly missing leg stump, you must describe it as 'sliding' down leg. If you use any other verb, you will be shot.
Report Mellor November 27, 2009 9:20 PM GMT
if you work for cricinfo and the bowler beats the outside edge, you are obliged to use a feline whisker analogy
Report Lix November 27, 2009 9:20 PM GMT
Fast bowlers are either 'bang it in, hit the deck bowlers' or 'skiddy, kiss the surface' types.

There is no other type.
Report Mellor November 27, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
There are also wicket to wicket bowlers - the others just hurl it off the strip
Report d13phe November 27, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
if an aussie/saffer claims a catch

stand your ground
Report Lix November 27, 2009 9:25 PM GMT
Nah, wicket to wicket bowlers aint fast . they're just dobbers like colly, dwayne smith etc..
Report Mellor November 27, 2009 9:31 PM GMT
i know - wasn't saying they are fast, just sayng they are tagged and named as such and not really sure what it means, apart from a phrase thought up by someone to describe a rubbish part time bowler that at some time, on some wickets may appear to be effective
Report Innocent Bystander November 28, 2009 4:49 AM GMT
When Pakistan lose, someone will appear on here and say they threw the game
Report mittheimp November 28, 2009 5:07 AM GMT

no matter how many times a bowler has been cleared as having a legal action, bitter cricket supporters from other nations must continually, to ad nausium, harp on about him having an illegal action, possibly coz they are too stupid to understand all the scientific evidence that supports his legality.
Report Gin November 28, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
CMJ WILL stitch snipers up at least 5 times during any given test match.
Report Gin November 28, 2009 5:47 PM GMT
There are ALWAYS good reasons as to why an asian team will win - reasons that absolutely DO NOT apply to non-asian teams in the same situation.

Well according to one forumite anyway ;)
Report Super Vixen November 28, 2009 6:06 PM GMT
Whenever Malinga comes on to bowl, within 5 seconds of his first ball someone will post "How can he be allowed to bowl - he chucks it!"

And my personal favourite...

When Hawkeye shows an LBW shout hitting - I repeat HITTING - leg stump, some commentator will say excellent decision there, ball just clipping leg....
Report michael knight November 28, 2009 6:28 PM GMT
When a fielder claims a bump catch it's 'against the spirit of the game'; when a bowler makes an lbw appeal knowing full well the ball pitched outside leg it's just 'part of the game'.
Report Lori November 28, 2009 6:58 PM GMT
- If a delivery goes down legside in a limited overs game, the Keeper must take a diving catch and then appeal loudly in an attempt to make the umpire forget the wide.

- If a batsman hits the ball towards the ropes in the air in a match where the commentators are merely pretending to be at the ground, the correct way to relate this to the scorer is to shout "It's in the air" really loudly as if it wasn't blindingly obvious.
Report the butterfly collector November 28, 2009 7:05 PM GMT
every 4 or 5 years england will have a good 6 months in one dayers an everyone will start saying now they are a proper one day team before embarking on a run that sees them win 2 of the next 20 internationals
Report anyother November 28, 2009 7:44 PM GMT
anyone posting búll** on the ckt forum will bee seen to by the forum mafia ((( :0 )))
Report timbo86 November 28, 2009 9:30 PM GMT
When Paul Collingwood is 5 not out out off 18 balls in a 20/20 match he must be described as nuggety!!!
Report Greaves Machine November 28, 2009 10:01 PM GMT
Any messages relayed to Pakistani batsmen during drinks breaks are from bookies and not their captain or management.
Report michael knight November 28, 2009 10:04 PM GMT
unwritten rule no 98745 - all pakistani captains and management ARE bookies.
Report Jontyblade November 28, 2009 10:07 PM GMT
the ball will be called a cherry or a pill ( god knows why )
Report anyother November 29, 2009 12:12 AM GMT
cos its red and round perhaps ?
Report naive November 29, 2009 7:24 AM GMT
if any of you know the works of the mighty Peter Tinniswood, you might enjoy "the crimson rambler".
Report thehoops November 29, 2009 9:15 AM GMT
a new nut - thats what i use for a new cricket ball
Report bigjoe November 30, 2009 8:05 AM GMT
Always rejoice in injun loss .... never rejoice a win for them :)
Report smeagors November 30, 2009 10:01 AM GMT
Report smeagors November 30, 2009 10:15 AM GMT
Report roland of gilead November 30, 2009 10:42 AM GMT
As an Englishmen, cricket match celebrations should escalate in the the following order of importance;

3. England beat any team bar the australians.

2. Australia lose any cricket match in any form.

1. England beat Australia.
Report Smalltime Punter November 30, 2009 10:57 AM GMT
Whenever Ian Bell/Owais Shah/Ravi Bopara/whoever is batting at 3 for England fails*, at least one of the following solutions will be leapt on by the forum with the alacrity of a lion that has just spotted a three-legged antelope:

1. Bring back Ramprakash. This will continue to be the preferred option until, and quite possibly after, he is dead.

2. Move KP up to 3. Obviously his weak points (driving at full, swinging deliveries, and getting in a mess against fast bouncers) are less likely to be tested out there...

3. Pick Rob Key and make him captain.

* 'Failure' is deemed to be not scoring at least one hundred in every three innings. Making a crucial 70-odd in an Ashes decider counts for nothing. And it's no good trying to get ahead of the game with 3 hundreds in consecutive matches - that gets you 2 games grace, max.
Report Waugh of the worlds November 30, 2009 3:38 PM GMT
No. 553
When hitting the ball out of the middle of the bat it will be referred to by the commentators as being hit out of the screws or out of the meat or a cracker.

No. 554
When begining a test match in Australia, England shall begin proceedings by bowling the first ball to second slip.
Report I Win All The Tim December 1, 2009 3:58 PM GMT
When an england bowler and a new zealand batsman collide sending the batsman to the floor, england hurry as fast as they can to try and run him out
Report Sir Denis Eton-Hogg December 1, 2009 4:22 PM GMT
whenever a bowler has an unsuccessful spell they will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be criticised for bowling too short by the commentator (especially if english)
Report GrimReaper December 1, 2009 6:39 PM GMT
Any attacking stroke outside off stump which fails to make contact will be greeted by the commenator with "swing and a miss"

Aaaarrrrggggghhhhh :_|
Report spassky December 2, 2009 12:41 AM GMT
When the batsman plays the shot described by Grim above, but connects solidly and goes for a boundary, the ball has to be described as having travelled "like a tracer bullet".

Has anybody actually seen a tracer bullet ? Did it look remotely like a round red ball ?
Report Biltz December 2, 2009 1:05 AM GMT
Any 6 hit with a limited follow through must be described as a short arm jab and if Martin Crowe or Danny Morrison are commentating it must only be called half a dozen
Report mittheimp December 2, 2009 1:43 AM GMT
every time a batsman takes one hand of his bat in the follow through the shot will be decribed as an 'amazing one handed shot'.... if the batsman takes both hands off after the follow through and the bat goes flying through the air, this wont be be described as a 'really amazing no handed shot'.. instead the commentator will say the batsman tried to hit it too hard and lost controll of the bat in the follow through.
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