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Today I fell asleep in the garden. Woke up and my left contact lens felt very strange. Blurry vision and a bit scratchy.
I tried to get the bugger out but try as I might it wasn't moving. By now my eye was very sore.
Only solution was to walk into town and hope my optician might be able to work her magic. She sat me down and got to work.
After about 2 minutes I could sense something wasn't right. She applied some drops to my eye and looked harder.
"Mr Eboue, there's no lens in your eye. It must have fallen out. You've spent an hour touching your eye that's why it's so uncomfortable."
Just to compound things I then stood in dog faeces on my walk back.
All in all a pretty crap afternoon!
I tried to get the bugger out but try as I might it wasn't moving. By now my eye was very sore.
Only solution was to walk into town and hope my optician might be able to work her magic. She sat me down and got to work.
After about 2 minutes I could sense something wasn't right. She applied some drops to my eye and looked harder.
"Mr Eboue, there's no lens in your eye. It must have fallen out. You've spent an hour touching your eye that's why it's so uncomfortable."
Just to compound things I then stood in dog faeces on my walk back.
All in all a pretty crap afternoon!
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Could have been worse. You could have ended up here
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9vtk4_the-two-ronnies-opticians-sketch_fun
The OP's story brings to mind that tale of the unfortunate chap who was awoken by a sharp pain down his left side whenever he moved his arm. In a panic that cardiac arrest was imminent he made his wife call an ambulance. The paramedics discovered that he had fallen asleep whilst sucking a boiled sweet which had slipped from his mouth and got stuck in his armpit hair.
It's difficult to know where to start. 
Love that Two Ronnies sketch by the way Hank.
Love that Two Ronnies sketch by the way Hank.
The only saving grace was my optician. She's late twenties, Spanish and absolutely drop dead gorgeous. Can't wait for my next eye test.
It did cross my mind when I was leaving - she probably thought it was some elaborate attempt to chat her up!
Good job you didn't step in the dog poo on your way there.
Fell under a table stone drunk after a football celebration in our local social club. It was probably early in the night as I cant hold drink. Club probably stayed open till about 2 in the morning when everyone else left. I woke up the next morning not knowing where I was or what day of the week it even was. It was not that they left me there. They never even knew I had fallen asleep under the table in the first place. Anyway I set the alarms off....trying to break out of the club!
The best bit of it was my two brothers were on the same team and were sitting at the same table drinking. They did not even miss me.
Another time I got into a wee bit of trouble with the law and ended up in court. Judge give me 3 months. I said I can do 3 months standing on my head. So he turns around and says here is another 3 months then to get back on your feet.
I made that last one up but the story in the bar is 100% true.
Just been outside to see if I could see Jupiter & Venus again (see other thread)
It's cloudy as feck & can't see anything. Felt a bit stupid & then I saw this thread
It's cloudy as feck & can't see anything. Felt a bit stupid & then I saw this thread
Once I chased a daddy long legs around the room for an hour,
Then I realised that there was a crack in my spectacles
Then I realised that there was a crack in my spectacles
Pumping my ex's sister in-law and two of her friends wasn't one of my cleverest moves..
When I was about 10 my dad sent me to the newsagents one Saturday morning to get tomorrows paper and I literally believed him and asked for it in the shop.
paddletoe
01 Jul 15 22:10
Another time I got into a wee bit of trouble with the law and ended up in court. Judge give me 3 months. I said I can do 3 months standing on my head. So he turns around and says here is another 3 months then to get back on your feet.
paddletoe
01 Jul 15 22:11
I made that last one up but the story in the bar is 100% true.
That actually happened in West Ham Magistrates Court in roughly 1975. A skinhead got 28 days for causing an affray. He got mouthy with the bench, so the beak doubled it to 56 days for contempt of court.
01 Jul 15 22:10
Another time I got into a wee bit of trouble with the law and ended up in court. Judge give me 3 months. I said I can do 3 months standing on my head. So he turns around and says here is another 3 months then to get back on your feet.
paddletoe
01 Jul 15 22:11
I made that last one up but the story in the bar is 100% true.
That actually happened in West Ham Magistrates Court in roughly 1975. A skinhead got 28 days for causing an affray. He got mouthy with the bench, so the beak doubled it to 56 days for contempt of court.
paddletoe
01 Jul 15 22:20
When I was about 10 my dad sent me to the newsagents one Saturday morning to get tomorrows paper and I literally believed him and asked for it in the shop.
You used to be able to a paper with the next day's date on it back in the 1960s.
It was called The Psychic News.
01 Jul 15 22:20
When I was about 10 my dad sent me to the newsagents one Saturday morning to get tomorrows paper and I literally believed him and asked for it in the shop.
You used to be able to a paper with the next day's date on it back in the 1960s.
It was called The Psychic News.
A skinhead got 28 days for causing an affray
I'd never realised you were once a skinhead tgm
I'd never realised you were once a skinhead tgm
My girlfriend giving me a **** in a nightclub right infront of the dancefloor packed everyone could see,still makes me cringe now 15 years on,never underestimate the power of mdma!
Didn't eat peanuts on those night outs tend to give you a very dry mouth after half a gramme and 6/7 hours of dancing!
Age perhaps 14, running round in the gym. I jumped to grab one of the four, height adjustable, beams and there were no support pins in it.
The beam came down with me hanging on, and smashed into my face, with much blood and broken teeth and nose, and one tooth just hanging on a thread.
That was an ambulance job with many tears, not from me but from the assembled girls who came to see me off!
The beam came down with me hanging on, and smashed into my face, with much blood and broken teeth and nose, and one tooth just hanging on a thread.
That was an ambulance job with many tears, not from me but from the assembled girls who came to see me off!
It was tears of relief anti!!! Sorry to burst your bubble.
I've narrowed it down to 5, will post later when I get back from Epsom.
Perhaps aged 12 we found a 12 gauge shotgun cartridge on our every day rambles and I took it home.
I emptied all the contents and put the cap on the back doorstep, and hit it with my dad's "lump hammer".
You wouldn't think that just the detonator would be so loud,and the hammer was blown out of my hand!
Don't know how we survived, unscathed, as a few things concerned guns and ammo!
I emptied all the contents and put the cap on the back doorstep, and hit it with my dad's "lump hammer".
You wouldn't think that just the detonator would be so loud,and the hammer was blown out of my hand!
Don't know how we survived, unscathed, as a few things concerned guns and ammo!
Perhaps aged 12 we found a 12 gauge shotgun cartridge on our every day rambles and I took it home.
Sadly, I can beat that.
I fired a 12 bore when I was about 11/12 and dislocated my shoulder. My dad and his brother decided to 'ease it' back in, rather than explain it at the hospital.
'Eased it', my facking arse, it hurt like fack.
Sadly, I can beat that.
I fired a 12 bore when I was about 11/12 and dislocated my shoulder. My dad and his brother decided to 'ease it' back in, rather than explain it at the hospital.
'Eased it', my facking arse, it hurt like fack.
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