all my clothes are either too big or too small

I'd have a stern word with your tailor.

Yeh remind me of a young Simon Cowell

He reminds ME of an old woman.

i dont remind anybody of a young anything. an old woman, maybe.

at least your lingerie all still fits you snugly enough

Bob I think if your look at the material you will see a difference between those items of clothing which have probably shrunk due to heat from being put on a radiator or a tumble dryer and those which still fit you which have lycra in them.

lol. well the t shirts that are too small are all "gildan soft" slim fit and shrink like buggery in the wash. cant get a bigger size, cos there aint one. only go up to xl. and the ones that are too big are all "gildan heavy" xl regular fit.

cant they just bloody make em inbetween??

go au natural

I used to buy expensive clothes till I met my girlfriend as to keep them in good condition and not ruin them had to handwash them,when I moved in with her it took her 12 months to ruin around 2 grands worth of clothes.I had an Armani jumper that she put in the spin dryer,it shrunk so much i gave it away to a mate which fitted his 2yr old..Rarely buy expensive clothes now bar jeans and jackets and like you say I find these cheaper makes the sizes are all different with no shape,have to buy decent jeans as high street makes are utter garbage.

If you were to wear one of the tighter t-shirts underneath a baggy one, the 'look too big but feel too small' result would make for an amusing sartorial paradox.  Hey Presto!  Your useless clothes now have a new lease of life.