Do you think I could write Xmas cracker gags?

Hahaha!

I muppet!

why cant crackers dance?
cos they dont have legs

I think you've got the job nick.

What has a bottom at the top? a leg

Just one question...."have you failed in life,so far, at every level"?

If you can answer yes, then the job is yours!

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places

what do nazis eat at christmas?
blitzen burgers

I got my grandson a 2,000 watt light bulb for his birthday.
You should have seen his little face light up.

Which actor works as a part-time bouncer? - Jamie Doorman

Which actor moonlights as a mobile food vendor? - Jason Doner van


(Good to see cmat back)

"Santa doesn't exist and you were adopted"

That'll put the icing on the day

I got my grandson a 2,000 watt light bulb for his birthday.
You should have seen his little face light up.

That was a bright idea

every year I always read out 'help I'm being kept prisoner in a cracker factory' with the same old tumble weed reaction from my fellow diners/family.

But I'll have another go this year for sure

What do you call a Christmas Cracker with a really crap joke in it?


A Christmas Cracker.

I blagged my way into a party at my local athletics club the other night. I pulled a fast one.

Just been out for Sunday lunch at a restaurant. It's one of these converted prisons. It's called The Lamb Shank Redemption.

Just switched on the radio and caught...

"...dirty, slow and late."  It wasn't until they mentioned nationalisation of the railways that I realised they weren't talking about Roy Keane.

Keep up the good work i_agree_with_nick.

After a fire raged through the Spurs training ground causing extensive damage and disrupting preparations for the new season, police have said they suspect Arsene.

I've been trying to 'make up' my own joke, it's hard work not to rip off existing ones though.

What can go up a drainpipe down - but can't come down a drainpipe up?

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutt


What do you call a Jewish poet?

Rabbi Burns

Which is correct:-

The yolk of an egg are white.
Or the yolk of an egg is white?

Neither. It's yellow.

I see.

Jul 31, 2016 -- 9:42AM, boxingthefox wrote:

Keep up the good work i_agree_with_nick.

That first smiley is not meant to be there, I'm deffo losing the plot.

An umbrella, Dr Crippen.

Cracker gags pay about 4 quid a pop. You lose all copyright to them so you can only sell them once. The market is huge but anything written after September will go into next year's slush pile and it will be the end of 2017 before you see the cash.

The best money, imo, is in Valentine cards, followed by To My Boyfriend. You get 20 to 40 notes for tearful stuff. Same rules for copyright (you don't have any rights) but you can make a living on a 20 hour week before the doctor puts you back on the tablets.

Gay narket the to be place

Why did Theresa May propose the 'Snoopers' Charter'?

Because she's the Pry Minister.

Who invented the first plane that didn't fly?

The Wrong brothers.

What is a priest's favourite physical property?

Mass.

Heard about the new lesbian dating app? Snatch-chat.

Who has the largest collection of radios in the World?

The BBC - They love trannies

I think my solicitor is a U2 fan - he's pro Bono.

What's the definition of a Church on fire - Holy Smoke

My radio doesn't work -

Maybe it's a wire-less...........

Definitions Pumps! I'll get the brain reworking on those but in the meantime...

What is the definition of a glass bra?
Smash & Grab

Who is the best dribbler in the Premier League?

David Saliva.

Heard julio + enrique duet today
it was double iglesias

The secretary of my local golf club has refused membership to a member of rhe aristocracy. He's titleist.