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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 25,985 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report bigmo April 23, 2019 12:41 PM BST
Mother and a young girl sat in a park. The mother seems unhappy and distant (her marriage is slowly failing) the girl starts asking questions.
“Mummy do you love daddy ?” No answer
“Mummy, does daddy love you ?” Again no answer.
“Mummy, daddy says you are an alcoholic, what is an alcoholic ?”
At this, the mother decides to answer the questions.
“Darling, you see those two ducks over there, an alcoholic would see four”
“But Mummy, there is only one duck there !”
Report bigmo April 24, 2019 6:05 PM BST
@VizTopTips pretend your one of the chasers by sitting on the top step of your stairs and forcing your other half to answer questions when they arrive home.
Report bigmo April 24, 2019 6:05 PM BST
Bought a load of dodgy dynamite off the internet recently.

Ended up costing me an arm and a leg.
Report bigmo April 24, 2019 6:06 PM BST
"What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme."
Report bigmo April 24, 2019 6:06 PM BST
Report bigmo April 25, 2019 5:43 PM BST
Convince friends you've won the lottery by putting first-class stamps on your Christmas cards. @VizTopTips
Report bigmo April 25, 2019 5:43 PM BST
Convince friends you've won the lottery by putting first-class stamps on your Christmas cards. @VizTopTips
Report bigmo April 25, 2019 5:43 PM BST
Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.
Report bigmo April 25, 2019 5:44 PM BST
"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife.

"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.

"I've finished, " I replied.
Report bigmo April 27, 2019 9:44 AM BST
Well, this is it, tomorrow is the day. Feeling a bit nervous to be honest. Wish me luck for the London Marathon. I managed a respectable 3 hours 12 mins and 45 seconds last year. This year I am going to try my hardest to better that. The problem is, after the 3-hour point I start getting bored and get tempted to switch channels to watch James Martins Sunday Kitchen.......
Report bigmo April 27, 2019 9:45 AM BST
"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each other's faults?" I said to my wife.

"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.

"I've finished, " I replied.
Report bigmo April 27, 2019 9:46 AM BST
A surveyor asked paddy to measure the length of two points with a measuring wheel but there was a canal in the way.
Paddy said I don't need that and put the meat and potato pie he was eating on the floor, and measured from it up to the brothel on the corner.
Then he lit a cigarette and put it in a hole in a lampost and measured the distance from the pie to the ciggy.

He handed some calculations to the bewildered surveyor, paddy said "you can check it will be right it's simple geometry you don't need to measure the road when you know how to use Pie **** **** Houses theorum"
Report lovegod April 27, 2019 10:29 AM BST
I entered a marathon once.

Took me a couple of weeks to get the caramel and nuts out my foreskin.
Report bigmo April 27, 2019 1:24 PM BST
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures, in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a black car pulled up beside her. Out of the car stepped a grey haired bearded man. "Hello little girl, I'm Jeremy Corbyn leader of the labour party. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Corbyn.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour party socialists," answered Suzy with a smile.

Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Labour leader should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when the black car pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV and Sky. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservatives."

Taken by surprise, the Corbyn stammered, "But... but…yesterday, you told me they were Labour party socialists."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”
Report bigmo April 28, 2019 12:53 PM BST
"I can count the number of times Jeremy and I had sex on one hand, "said Dianne Abbott,

"Seventeen. "
Report bigmo April 28, 2019 12:54 PM BST
I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but, after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.
Report bigmo April 28, 2019 12:55 PM BST
I Was having a pint in the pub with paddy when my brother and his boss came in for a quick one.
I said, "you two shouldn't be drinking on the job isn't that dangerous?".
Paddy asked, "why what do they do?"
I said "they're tree surgeons"
Paddy said nothing for a while and then said confused "but there's only two of them?"
Report bigmo April 29, 2019 4:08 PM BST
How does a deaf bloke know when his wife has died?
Report bigmo April 29, 2019 4:08 PM BST
I said to the wife, “I’m watching the Grand Prix tomorrow.”
She replied, “Is that Bahrain?”
I said, “Nope! Even if it’s hammering down, I'm still watching it.”
Report bigmo April 29, 2019 4:08 PM BST
My mate Paddy has been panic buying diesel, so far he has 4 pairs of jeans, 8 shirts and 15 bottles of aftershave
Report bigmo April 30, 2019 3:22 PM BST
Ironically if you vote for the green party, you waste a piece of paper
Report bigmo April 30, 2019 3:22 PM BST
A pub in Hackney is brewing a special Diane Abbott inspired "Mojito Ale" in the wake of her recent drinking on the London Overground.
It's expected to be dark and nutty with a thick head.
Report bigmo April 30, 2019 3:22 PM BST
I’ve always wanted the ability to make myself invisible.

So I joined the Lib Dems.
Report bigmo April 30, 2019 3:22 PM BST
Did you hear about the goalkeeper who developed diarrhoea in bed?

He couldn’t keep a clean sheet.
Report lybertyne April 30, 2019 11:03 PM BST
I just don't understand these Africans.  Happy to run 26 miles for a marathon but if they have to walk 5 miles for clean water then it's moan bloody moan.
Report Jack Hacksaw May 1, 2019 10:16 AM BST
Laugh
Report bigmo May 1, 2019 2:31 PM BST
An Indian woman has just rung me and said she was from Talk Talk.

I thought to myself that's funny, I don't remember an Indian woman ever being in the 80's pop group.
Report bigmo May 1, 2019 2:31 PM BST
I'm always being told that I'm too trusting and people take advantage of me.
Especially by my regular Tarot card reader.
Report bigmo May 1, 2019 2:32 PM BST
My old Grandad was always saying 'all roads lead to Rome'

Nice bloke, awful bus driver!
Report johnizere May 1, 2019 11:16 PM BST
On their honeymoon night, Paddy's new wife strips off and lies spreadeagled on the bed.
' You know what I want Paddy?'
Yes, he replied.. the whole fekkin bed!
Report bigmo May 2, 2019 11:17 AM BST
Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining
a monastery by simply living with my wife.
It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the
internet

Viz
Report bigmo May 2, 2019 11:18 AM BST
In Scotland, they call my dad, ‘the wee man’. Not because he’s small….

He’s incontinent.
Report bigmo May 2, 2019 11:18 AM BST
‘Keep division out of politics.’ Diane Abbott.
Report FIGJAM May 3, 2019 1:57 PM BST
West Ham Ladies are in the FA Cup Final tomorrow.
"Come on you Ironers."
Report bigmo May 3, 2019 6:30 PM BST
Huawei phones are popular in Newcastle.
Report bigmo May 3, 2019 6:31 PM BST
Last week I visited a house of ill repute.

But enough about my day trip to the palace of Westminster
Report bigmo May 3, 2019 6:33 PM BST
After experimenting with lots of different drug and booze combinations, I finally discovered the Whisky, Valium and Heroin combo.
Now the baby sleeps right through the night.
Report bigmo May 4, 2019 10:11 AM BST
Barcelona fans are plotting revenge on the return leg of the champions league next week by pushing Liverpool fans into job centres
Report bigmo May 4, 2019 10:12 AM BST
Lots of wordplay jokes lately, think it must be some kind of weirdploy.
Report bigmo May 4, 2019 10:12 AM BST
I confided in my friend that I didn't know if I was ready for the responsibility of becoming a father for the first time.
"Don't worry mate," he said. "It's not as if you'll be responsible for him for the rest of his life.
Just the rest of yours."
Report bigmo May 4, 2019 10:13 AM BST
I think I’m getting freckles.

Either that or I need some new mudguards.
Report bigmo May 5, 2019 1:22 PM BST
Vivianne Miedema is considered the best female striker in the world ...

They’ve obviously forgotten Cheryl’s altercation with a nightclub toilet attendant.
Report bigmo May 5, 2019 1:22 PM BST
My neighbour Trigger said, “I see they’re running the old Peperami adverts again.”

I peered at the television and said, “Paddy, that’s Mo Farah in the London marathon.”
Report bigmo May 5, 2019 1:23 PM BST
Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?
Could you be entitled to condensation.
Report bigmo May 6, 2019 2:20 PM BST
Nothing quite captures the excitement of a bank holiday as 35 rounds of snooker played over two days.
Report bigmo May 6, 2019 2:20 PM BST
In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.
Report bigmo May 6, 2019 2:20 PM BST
I used to date a girl called Lorraine

Now, I'm going out with a girl called Clara.

I would now like to sing a beautiful song entitled;

I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.
Report workrider May 6, 2019 11:00 PM BST
LaughLaugh
Report bigmo May 8, 2019 8:14 AM BST
Hasn't been a 2nd leg thrown away this convincingly in Liverpool since Paul McCartney had a blazing row with Heather Mills just before they divorced.
Report bigmo May 8, 2019 8:14 AM BST
Getting married for the sex is like buying a Boeing 747 for the peanuts...
Report bigmo May 8, 2019 8:15 AM BST
I just met a Chinese drug addict. He said to me “have you seen my cocaine?” “Not since he was in Zulu” I replied
Report bigmo May 8, 2019 8:15 AM BST
If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?
If a feminist comedian does a stand-up gig and nobody laughs, should she make everyone a sandwich?
Report bigmo May 9, 2019 8:57 PM BST
A very sick old Yorkshireman was lying on his death bed

Is the wife there?

Yes dear I am here

Are the children here?

Yes dear they are all here

Are the grandchildren here?

Yes granddad we all here as well

Well, who left the bl00dy light on in the kitchen then?
Report bigmo May 9, 2019 8:58 PM BST
"Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains..."     
                       
The doctor advises him to contact Facebook to set it as one of the gender options on the sign-up menu.
Report bigmo May 9, 2019 8:58 PM BST
Yanks are getting so fat that the next war will be for cooking oil.
Report workrider May 10, 2019 5:47 PM BST
Cooking oil...Laugh
Report bigmo May 10, 2019 7:08 PM BST
"Hello? is it me you're looking for?"

"Yes Lionel, it is, now I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave Sea World now because we've had reports that you've been dancing on the sea lion. "
Report bigmo May 10, 2019 7:08 PM BST
New scientific evidence has come to light that one pint of beer takes nine minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845.
Report bigmo May 12, 2019 12:03 PM BST
There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Report bigmo May 12, 2019 12:03 PM BST
I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which will leave only one country and the Persian Gulf.

Just Kuwait and sea.
Report bigmo May 12, 2019 12:04 PM BST
I'm not saying the wife has put on weight, but last night she went to the gym, and they all did circuit training around her bottom.
Report bigmo May 12, 2019 12:04 PM BST
Two scousers are in a posh restaurant one says "I'm gonna order the venison".
His mate says don't order dat it's dead deer, you should have mutton like me, dat's dead sheep!"
Report bigmo May 14, 2019 10:59 AM BST
I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid **** in morse code.
Report bigmo May 14, 2019 11:00 AM BST
I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.

"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short !"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."
Report crystalhunt May 14, 2019 8:30 PM BST
Madrid police have raised concerns that Spurs fans may take flares to the stadium on June 1st because that's what they wore when they were last in a European final  Grin Grin
Report bigmo May 15, 2019 8:02 PM BST
"Darling," I said hesitantly. "I don't want you to get angry, but I have a tiny criticism about your weight"
"Don't worry, " she replied. "I can take it on the chin."
"Er, which one?"
Report bigmo May 15, 2019 8:02 PM BST
Prince charming drew close to Snow White. he put his lips to her ear.
"BEFORE I KISS YOU I JUST NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS CONSENT FORM!!"
Report bigmo May 15, 2019 8:02 PM BST
The wife had a terrible time at the beach this morning.
A bunch of conservationists tried to tow her back out to sea.
Report bigmo May 16, 2019 1:45 PM BST
New scientific evidence has come to light that one pint of beer takes nine minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845.
Report bigmo May 16, 2019 1:46 PM BST
Thank you, Tesco for exposing me to the joy of a future career as a checkout assistant.
Can I expect a regular wage now that I have to scan and bag all my own items?
Report bigmo May 16, 2019 1:46 PM BST
The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me.
If you're wondering why she's typed 'everything' in capitals, it's to emphasize the point.
Report bigmo May 18, 2019 10:08 AM BST
I bet you £4,150.95 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Report bigmo May 18, 2019 10:09 AM BST
Be wary of your girlfriend wanting a dominatrix outfit, they are usually white and flowing with a veil.
Report bigmo May 18, 2019 10:09 AM BST
I've just found out I can suck my own ****.
Never try to kiss a female judo champion who's carrying a Stanley knife.
Report bigmo May 18, 2019 1:50 PM BST
Jokes told by Jeremy Corbyn

Q; What’s red and doesn’t move?
A; Me

* * *

A socialist lion walked into a bar, the barman said: “what’s the big Clause Four?”


* * *
How many shadow ministers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don’t know. The lightbulb tends to outlast them.
Report akabula May 19, 2019 12:05 AM BST
Check your messages Mo
Report bigmo May 19, 2019 12:17 PM BST
Have replied to you akabula.
Report bigmo May 19, 2019 12:17 PM BST
I beat my rivals by inventing the world's first book made from onion skin.

Read it and weep!
Report bigmo May 19, 2019 12:18 PM BST
A piece of string goes into a pub and says "pint of lager please"
The barman says sorry I don't serve alcohol to bits of string you will have to leave"
The string leaves and ties himself into a bow and backcombs his hair and goes back in and tries again.

The barman says"you're not fooling me you're the same bit of string that came in 5 minutes ago" the string says "No I'm a Frayed Knot"
Report bigmo May 19, 2019 12:19 PM BST
I went to the horse racing for the first time ever at the weekend. I haven't got a clue about betting, so I walked up to the counter and said, "Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?"

The man said, "No problem Sir. An each way bet is split into two stakes. The first is a bet on the horse to win. The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place. This can be first, second, third or even fourth, depending on the amount of horses running in the race."

I said, "That sounds perfect for me! Can I have two pounds each way on number four please?"

"No," he replied.

"Oh," I said, "And why's that?"

"This is a hot dog stand."
Report Aspro May 20, 2019 10:33 AM BST
I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met!

Some people think it's clever to take drugs. Most of them are Custom officers

Things that keep me awake at night:
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Report bigmo May 20, 2019 4:44 PM BST
I used to have a picture of Tony Blair pinned up on my wall when I was growing up,
He was always a great influence on me.
To be honest,  I wouldn't be the great darts player I am today if it wasn't for him.
Report bigmo May 20, 2019 4:44 PM BST
Can't wait for the new series of Doctor Who. The BBC has just announced that the Doctor will face her most deadly and evil enemy yet, the scourge of the universe, nemesis of all things...
The straight white male.
Report dukeofpuke May 20, 2019 7:50 PM BST

May 12, 2019 -- 12:04PM, bigmo wrote:


I'm not saying the wife has put on weight, but last night she went to the gym, and they all did circuit training around her bottom.


or this my wife got ran over crossing the road,when the driver was questioned what happened,he replied 'i didnt have enough petrol to go around her'

Report lovegod May 21, 2019 9:15 AM BST
I wouldn't say my wife was fat but she has a curtain rail in her knickers instead of elastic.
Report bigmo May 21, 2019 5:17 PM BST
lol.
Report bigmo May 21, 2019 5:17 PM BST
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.

“ Identify it “. She replied
Report bigmo May 21, 2019 5:17 PM BST
My wife was thrilled when I bought her a vintage American chair for her birthday.
"Now, just you sit there darling," I said, "and I'll do up the wrist and leg straps and plug it in."
Report bigmo May 21, 2019 5:18 PM BST
I've been helping Art Garfunkel extend his kitchen, and was putting the concrete down for the floor but there were loads of air pockets in it so it was all uneven.
I ended up putting some white goods over the top to hide it.

Now he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.
Report bigmo May 22, 2019 10:29 AM BST
Sesame Street taught me the importance of love, education and empathy
Bugs Bunny taught me the importance of quick ruthless revenge
Report bigmo May 22, 2019 10:30 AM BST
What do you call a spider wearing a raincoat?

Anoraknid.
Report lovegod May 22, 2019 11:01 AM BST
Jamie Oliver's Italian restaurants have been put into administrone.
Report bigmo May 22, 2019 3:28 PM BST
I'm so angry that made me giggle.
Report bigmo May 23, 2019 1:34 PM BST
What do you call a spider wearing a raincoat?

Anoraknid.
Report bigmo May 23, 2019 1:35 PM BST
I've been reading up on Welsh counties.
I'd say I'm pretty Clwyd up on them now
Report Knight Commander May 23, 2019 4:57 PM BST
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's Cat.

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Report bigmo May 24, 2019 12:19 PM BST
Are tops of Mountains called 'The Summit' because no-one could think of a name for them:?
Report bigmo May 24, 2019 12:20 PM BST
My burly American neighbour jogs every day with a bodyguard by his side...

...He's on the 'fitness protection program'...
Report bigmo May 25, 2019 2:15 PM BST
I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"
Report bigmo May 25, 2019 2:16 PM BST
"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me,

"Well yes, " I replied,

"The kids will argue over my stuff,

the wife will probably bonk my brother again,

and everybody who thinks I am a proper idiot will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "
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