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17 Jan 10
23:50
Joined:
Date Joined:
22 Oct 09
Guy goes for a job in a timber yard in australia (my aussie bro in law told me the joke) he does all the usual bumf at the interview and they're still not sure, so he says to them that he can tell the type of timber, country of origin and year it was felled just from sniffing it. They take him up on the challenge, blindfold him and put a 6ft piece of timber in front of him. He runs his nose along the top edge making a big sniffing noise as he does so. savours the smell looking up into the air and says "turn her over" So they do and he has another long sniff and savour.
"Norwegian Fir" he says. "2006".
"** you're good" they reply "wel'll get you another one". Which they do and place it in front of him and he goes through the whole rigmarole as he does so. "turn her over" he says, and he gives it another long sniff then...
"Canadian Pine, 2002"
"Fek me right again" they reply. They mutter amongst themselves and hatch a plan. They go up to the blonde bit on reception and tell her there is a thousand bucks in her pay packet if she strips off naked and lies on the work bench out back for a couple of minutes. "no one will touch you" they say. "You just gotta lie there and not move or say anything" She agrees and takes her clothes off and lies on the bench. They get the blindfold guy back over. He has a good old sniff from ti.t to knee. Savours it like a bloodhound, head raised to the ceiling. "Flip her over" he says. From the arch of her back to the top of her thighs he ssniffs deeply. He lifts his head up and back and takes in all that his nostrils could contain. A smile covers his face before announcing....
"Ah you guys are good, you're real good. You're ragging me ain't you. That's the sh.ithouse door off a prawn trawler"
"Norwegian Fir" he says. "2006".
"** you're good" they reply "wel'll get you another one". Which they do and place it in front of him and he goes through the whole rigmarole as he does so. "turn her over" he says, and he gives it another long sniff then...
"Canadian Pine, 2002"
"Fek me right again" they reply. They mutter amongst themselves and hatch a plan. They go up to the blonde bit on reception and tell her there is a thousand bucks in her pay packet if she strips off naked and lies on the work bench out back for a couple of minutes. "no one will touch you" they say. "You just gotta lie there and not move or say anything" She agrees and takes her clothes off and lies on the bench. They get the blindfold guy back over. He has a good old sniff from ti.t to knee. Savours it like a bloodhound, head raised to the ceiling. "Flip her over" he says. From the arch of her back to the top of her thighs he ssniffs deeply. He lifts his head up and back and takes in all that his nostrils could contain. A smile covers his face before announcing....
"Ah you guys are good, you're real good. You're ragging me ain't you. That's the sh.ithouse door off a prawn trawler"
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pos, ask your bro-in-law if he reads "The Picture" magazine...that sounds like one of their "standards"...
My wife emerged from our bedroom with a large **, photos of me in womens underwear and a large collection of male pornography.
"Is there anything you want to tell me?" she yelled.
"Yes." I replied "You're fat."
"Is there anything you want to tell me?" she yelled.
"Yes." I replied "You're fat."
Years ago I said to my mrs 'Our sex life is sh1te, it needs spicing up.'
'What do you suggest ?' she asked
I said 'If you were to errr...you know....shave... it could get me going?'
'Okay' she said, and went to the khazi.
Came out half an hour later with a bald facking head.
'What do you suggest ?' she asked
I said 'If you were to errr...you know....shave... it could get me going?'
'Okay' she said, and went to the khazi.
Came out half an hour later with a bald facking head.
BurtSaddo. 18 Jan 01:08
she want to look like like you then?
You find that funny? A man without his hair?
BurtSaddo. 18 Jan 01:08
she want to look like like you then?
PMSL
Now that is defo the best joke on here by far...............
she want to look like like you then?
PMSL
Now that is defo the best joke on here by far...............
Big Charlie 18 Jan 01:07
Years ago I said to my mrs 'Our sex life is sh1te, it needs spicing up.'
'What do you suggest ?' she asked
I said 'If you were to errr...you know....shave... it could get me going?'
'Okay' she said, and went to the khazi.
Came out half an hour later with a bald facking head.
u should recieve the death penalty for telling that joke........
Years ago I said to my mrs 'Our sex life is sh1te, it needs spicing up.'
'What do you suggest ?' she asked
I said 'If you were to errr...you know....shave... it could get me going?'
'Okay' she said, and went to the khazi.
Came out half an hour later with a bald facking head.
u should recieve the death penalty for telling that joke........
You find that funny? A man without his hair?
7/10
7/10
Big Charlie 18 Jan 01:07
Years ago I said to my mrs 'Our sex life is sh1te, it needs spicing up.'
'What do you suggest ?' she asked
I said 'If you were to errr...you know....shave... it could get me going?'
'Okay' she said, and went to the khazi.
Came out half an hour later with a bald facking head.
BurtSaddo. 18 Jan 01:08
she want to look like like you then?
No........ I find this funny! Really gave me a chuckle......
Years ago I said to my mrs 'Our sex life is sh1te, it needs spicing up.'
'What do you suggest ?' she asked
I said 'If you were to errr...you know....shave... it could get me going?'
'Okay' she said, and went to the khazi.
Came out half an hour later with a bald facking head.
BurtSaddo. 18 Jan 01:08
she want to look like like you then?
No........ I find this funny! Really gave me a chuckle......
unknown007 16 Jan 02:37
Big Charlie...........
PMSL - Wat a clown. I would love to meet and give him a nice backhand.
I don't play tennis, and you can't spell.
Big Charlie...........
PMSL - Wat a clown. I would love to meet and give him a nice backhand.
I don't play tennis, and you can't spell.
Big Charlie 18 Jan 01:15
unknown007 16 Jan 02:37
Big Charlie...........
PMSL - Wat a clown. I would love to meet and give him a nice backhand.
I don't play tennis, and you can't spell.
You dont need to be able to play tennis to take a smack in the face..........
unknown007 16 Jan 02:37
Big Charlie...........
PMSL - Wat a clown. I would love to meet and give him a nice backhand.
I don't play tennis, and you can't spell.
You dont need to be able to play tennis to take a smack in the face..........
what's the need of wanting a woman to shave down there?
potential paedo?
potential paedo?
Big Charlie 18 Jan 01:18
Another keyboard warrior.
Another Plank............
Another keyboard warrior.
Another Plank............
what's the need of wanting a woman to shave down there?
potential paedo?
potential paedo?
what's the need of wanting a woman to shave down there?
potential paedo?
potential paedo?
most men apart from me think like that, dunno how they get away with it
What are you on about PF ?
Look at the title of the thread.
Look at the title of the thread.
Gary Glitter tried to do it on the quiet, nae country wants him
Michael Jackson admitted to everybody he was a kiddy fiddler, yet a lot of people loved him
world gone mad if you ask me
Michael Jackson admitted to everybody he was a kiddy fiddler, yet a lot of people loved him
world gone mad if you ask me
Big Charlie 18 Jan 01:19
I'm shaking, you've terrified me.
If ur fantasy is banging bald women.........
Uve defo got more balls then me
I'm shaking, you've terrified me.
If ur fantasy is banging bald women.........
Uve defo got more balls then me
Big Charlie, am on about men who want their ladies to shave down there
Big Charlie Likes To Bang Bald Women........
Sick Freak........
Send Him Away.......
We Want The DEATH SENTENCE
Sick Freak........
Send Him Away.......
We Want The DEATH SENTENCE
This has turned from a jokes thread to seemingly internet access half hour at Strangeways.
Unknown
your I.Q. and razor sharp wit matches the latter half of your username.
your I.Q. and razor sharp wit matches the latter half of your username.
pity annie. is not nearby, that would suit you HRH
Big Charlie............
Does it have to be Women? Wat about Bald Men? Do you like Howard Webb? Is dressing up in a referee's outfit a turn on for you? How about Wigs?
Does it have to be Women? Wat about Bald Men? Do you like Howard Webb? Is dressing up in a referee's outfit a turn on for you? How about Wigs?
so have I got this right fat chas bangs anything as long as its bald
Discipline87 18 Jan 01:24
punterfleecer is a bushman of the Kalahari!
yes that would be cool
though was once waiting on a table wae a girlfriend in Lanzarote whilst waiting on a bus back to the airport, I was eyeing up birds, saw a grumpy but good looking bird on the next table, I eyed her up, saw down and she had the hairiest legs possible!
obviously German, gave me the right boak!
punterfleecer is a bushman of the Kalahari!
yes that would be cool
though was once waiting on a table wae a girlfriend in Lanzarote whilst waiting on a bus back to the airport, I was eyeing up birds, saw a grumpy but good looking bird on the next table, I eyed her up, saw down and she had the hairiest legs possible!
obviously German, gave me the right boak!
BurtSaddo. 18 Jan 01:28
so have I got this right fat chas bangs anything as long as its bald
SPOT ON......
Im still trying to determine whether its only female.......
I mentioned bald men and he has yet to answer..... BUT im assuming its men as well otherwise why would he want his missus to shave her head off??????????
so have I got this right fat chas bangs anything as long as its bald
SPOT ON......
Im still trying to determine whether its only female.......
I mentioned bald men and he has yet to answer..... BUT im assuming its men as well otherwise why would he want his missus to shave her head off??????????
no, the joke was , she was meant to shave her pubes off not her hair, but then again
asking a bird to shave her pubes off is tantamount to being a paedo? non?
asking a bird to shave her pubes off is tantamount to being a paedo? non?
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
The tourist looked bemused, but gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of streets, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah! You've come back for the story then? "
"No!" said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got any bronze statues of a Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, current cabinet members, a Man Utd supporter and anything French."
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
The tourist looked bemused, but gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of streets, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah! You've come back for the story then? "
"No!" said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got any bronze statues of a Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, current cabinet members, a Man Utd supporter and anything French."
Positively 0/10
HRH 5/10
Big Charlie 2/10
HRH 2/10
But 10/10 for effort - if noone posted jokes, good or bad, then there would be no smiles or laughter.
HRH 5/10
Big Charlie 2/10
HRH 2/10
But 10/10 for effort - if noone posted jokes, good or bad, then there would be no smiles or laughter.
Paddy and Mick were working on the roadside verge.
Paddy would dig a hole and when he started digging another hole Mick would start filling in the previous hole.
Eventually an onlooker could contain his curiosity no longer and asked them why they were doing such a pointless job.
Paddy told him that there were normally 3 of them but Murphy was off sick.
The onlooker asked what Murphy did and Mick said "He plants the trees"
Paddy would dig a hole and when he started digging another hole Mick would start filling in the previous hole.
Eventually an onlooker could contain his curiosity no longer and asked them why they were doing such a pointless job.
Paddy told him that there were normally 3 of them but Murphy was off sick.
The onlooker asked what Murphy did and Mick said "He plants the trees"
Moments before the Battle of Trafalgar.A conversation takes place on the poop deck of HMS Victory.
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud):
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud):
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"Mick replies "Miles from London."
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"Mick replies "Miles from London."
One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Derek! Looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and
it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The Postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Derek responded. "Your name came up seven times...."
"Wow Derek! Looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and
it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The Postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Derek responded. "Your name came up seven times...."
A Kerryman working in London brings his mates back for an all night drinking session at his flat. Over the fire place there is a very large gong. "What's that Paddy"? asks his mate. "oh, that's me talking clock". "pull th other one" says his mate "I ain't falling for that"
"Look, I'll prove it", Paddy replies and picks up a hammer and batters the gong.Immediately, a voice roars from next door "For f uck sake, its 2 in the morning"
"Look, I'll prove it", Paddy replies and picks up a hammer and batters the gong.Immediately, a voice roars from next door "For f uck sake, its 2 in the morning"
A Muslim man was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen **s than let alcohol touch my lips!"
Paddy looked up at the stewardess, handed his drink back and said: "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen **s than let alcohol touch my lips!"
Paddy looked up at the stewardess, handed his drink back and said: "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow. Everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a blazing row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.
The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, then shouting "Silence in Court!"
The court room goes silent and Ronny (the best man) stands up and says "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Ronny to take the stand. Ronny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK". "Well", said Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs".
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"HURT!" Ronny replies "He broke three of my bloody fingers!"
The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, then shouting "Silence in Court!"
The court room goes silent and Ronny (the best man) stands up and says "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Ronny to take the stand. Ronny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK". "Well", said Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs".
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"HURT!" Ronny replies "He broke three of my bloody fingers!"
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