schoolboy jokes which still make you smile

Which is the stupidist animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

i like em both, never heard em before.. the polar bear one was the best

why cant you buy any pain -killers in the jungle?

cos all the paracetamol.....

why does Noddy wear a blue hat with bells on it ?

Because he's a cvnt.

lol BC


she said give me 15 inches and make me bleed


so i fecked her 3 times and smacked her in the gob

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in buffalo

What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

Well you can roast beef but you can't pee soup

difference between a boss eyed soldier and a constipated owl?


one shoots and cant hit....

lmfao 17 Dec 18:34
lol BC
she said give me 15 inches and make me bleed
so i fecked her 3 times and smacked her in the gob

I'm sure that should be 5 times. :D

Knock Knock who's there
Dr
Dr who

What's the difference between the Foliies Bergere and a circus.

One's full of cunning stunts...

Little Tommy gets home from school early. He goes upstairs, and sees the bathroom door open and his Mum in the bath. "Cor!" he says "What's that?!??!?" pointing between his Mum's legs. Embarassed, his Mum answers "Er that's where Daddy hit me with an axe". Tommy pauses for a second, then replies "Well that was a bloody good shot then wasn't it - right on the (unt!"

Knock knock

who's there ?

Avon. Your bells facked

Dr Dr i feel like a pair of curtains
Oh pull yourself together

whats the difference between an egg and a w@nk....

you can beat an egg

yum yum bubble gum
stick it up the teachers bum
when it sticks
pull her t1ts
yum yum bubble gum

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOG WITH NO TEETH?


What the f-ck you want...it cant bite ya....

DOG!....FFS

That was funny.

what's the difference between a wh0re and a cadbury's creme egg?

you can lick a creme egg out for 14p. (or at least you could when i was a lad)

Bloke goes to Doctor...."doc i keep thinking im a dog"

doc...."how long has this been going on?"

bloke...."since i was a puppy!......

Docsez,,,,"GET ON THE COUCH,I WILL HAVE ALOOK AT YOU"

BLOKE..."NO,IM NOT ALLOWED ON THE COUCH!

Doc sez....Take these pills....

bloke...."will it stop me thinking i am a dog?

doc....No.....but it will stop you keep coming in here and pi--ssin up the leg of my table!....

WOOF WOOF!

In a changing room. "Ere mate you need a new bum". "Why?" "Cos that ones got a crack in it"

What's the diff between Jordan and a Kit Kit ?

You can only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat.

Two fish in a tank

One looks to the other and says "Whos driving this thing?"

Boy takes his goldfish to the vet.

"I think my fish is epileptic!" he says

"Hmmm - seems fine to me swimming around in his bowl" says the vet.

"Yes" says the boy "But you should see him when you take him out the water"

that made me smile

Why did Batman go to the pet shop?

To buy a robin

This tw.atty islamic kid at work is in charge of "secret santa". He has a sack where everyone puts ther gifts (well a big stocking tbf). Was making jibes about his sack and how it will be positively bulging by christmas eve when he will empty it in front of everyone. me and matey were p.issing ourselves. gonna keep making references to his bulging sack about a dozen times a day until the twenty fourth. Really childish, but we were pl.issin ourselves, the guy is a total tool, doesn't have a clue

Why is Lt Uhura black?

Because William Shatner

RACIST

REPORTED

Indain chief goes to the Dr & says

"BIG CHIEF no Sh!t"

Dr says Take one of these twice a day for a week

Week later the Chief walks in & says

"BIG CHIEF NO sh!t "

Dr says take two of these three times a day for a week

week later Chief walks in

"BIG CHIEF no Sh!t "


RIGHT the Dr says take eight of these ten times a day for a week


Week later an Indian Squaw walks in & says


BIG SH!T NO CHIEF !

Whats brown and sticky - a stick
Whats white and wears tartan trousers - Rupert the fridge.

Whats blue, white and hard?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

Whats pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

Did you hear about the man who picked his nose for 50 years? His skull caved in

What's yellow & dangerous? Shark-infested custard

Two prostitutes on a street corner.

One turns to the other and says...'Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?'. The other replies, 'No, but I've been swung round by the t1ts a few times'.

What do you call a 7ft Black Man with a machine gun

Sir


( in order to be a bit more PC this attempt at a joke was softened a bit)

my great great grandad was killed at the battle of the Little Big Horn you know.
He wasn't actually in it; he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.

why have elephants got big ears


nodyy wont pay ransom

Music Teacher to class:

Whats 'Magnum Opus'



A: A Biig Irish Cat

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and Twiggy?

One's a phoney buck.................

Whats green and brown, got six legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A snooker table.

What's white and wears a cowboy hat?


Billy The Fridge.

A woman decides her marriage needs spicing up a bit so goes out and buys a pair of crotchless panties. When her husband gets home that night, she is laying on the sofa with her legs open. When he asks her whats going on she replies

One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question dad?"

"Sure, son what is it?"

"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.

Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."

So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.

"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"

Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."

Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....

"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"

"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"

Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm ******* freezing! "

:)

Why shouldn't you wear Russian undies?

Cos Chernobyl fallout

what's pink and hangs out your underpants?

Your mum.

two pubes sitting in a toilet.

One says to the other, "I'm getting pi$$ed off here"

what's green and eats winkles?

syphilis

What's round and nasty?

A vicious circle.

I knocked over a kid who was carrying a cymbal.

Badum Tish!

use to get Manchester Tart for pudding on school dinners, (pastry, jam, thick custard, coconut)
we use to say,

Manchester Tart makes you f@rt
Custard Powder makes it louder !

reg yes - never looked forward to that.

Which ill sea creatures are worth more than a fiver?

Sick squid!

yes reg think its London and the SE. My favourite was that chocolate pudding with hot chocolate sauce.

never heard of Gypsy Tart but just Googled it =

'Originating in Kent, the story behind this pie is that during the early part of the 20th century a lady regularly saw undernourrished gypsy children playing in the fields next to her house. One day she decided to feed them but had nothing more than a pie crust, evaporated milk and brown sugar. She made the sweet tart and henceforth the tart has been a Kentish tradition, present in many Kentish bakeries and of course, a regular on school dinner menus during the 60's, 70's and 80's.'

Remember those tins of evaporated milk, are Mum always had a few of them in the larder !
Usually came out for a Sunday tea with something.

cheers for that Dell

What's blue and facks pensioners ?

Hypothermia

What's blue and facks pensioners ?


Me, in my favourite blue coat.

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

What wieghs two tons and takes the p*ss?

A dialysis machine.

Small boy and a paedophile walking throught the woods at night, the boy says 'I'm scared, paedophile replies 'how do you think I feel, I've got to walk out of here all alone'.

boy:DAD WHATS A C U N T
dad:come with me,(mothers lying on the bed upstairs completely naked)
see that black triangle there son,
well thats called a f a n n y
the rest of its a C U N T

Baggers 17 Dec 18:37


What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

Well you can roast beef but you can't pee soup



What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your c0ck up a bird's arse.



How do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece of cake.

what's brown and sits on a wall?








Humpty Jobby

Two buckets of sick were walking down a street. First one says "I will always remember this street". Second one says "why is that?". First one says "This is where I was brought up".

ttt - need to see this lot again tomorrow, I've had a s%&t week

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men,
Said feck him, he's only an egg!

What would you buy a scottish epileptic for xmas ?..... A wii fit !

Use to go up to the girls in class and do Tony Hancock - pointing to the body parts -

TOE - KNEE - HAND - C@CK !