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The Australians are not used to defeat and consequently they are leaving no straw unclutched, no barrel unscraped and no loony selection discarded as they try to get themselves back into the series. However, drastic times call for drastic measures so here are five 'alternative' actions that the Aussies might consider to get themselves back on track.


Number Five: No more fair play cobber!

A plea to the ICC to return to the good old days of having a home umpire out in the middle. Let's get back to basics and get the big decisions going the right way, none of this 'the batsman gets the benefit of the doubt' malarkey, 'the Aussie gets the benefit of the doubt!' It would make the commentator's job so much easier during reviews. "Let's have a look at this then, it's pitched outside the line, the hot spot clearly shows that it caught the inside edge first and there looks to be a doubt about the height. There you go, Hawk-Eye clearly shows that it's going over the top but the batsman is a Pom - that's out - plum as you like!"


Number Four - Remind the English where they were born

It's a sore subject but one that has to be addressed, particularly with the Sydney Test coming up on Boxing Day. It's not the old chestnut about England having a load of South Africans in their ranks - oh no, this one is much more embarrassing. An hour or so to the North of Sydney lies the town of Newcastle and, like their English counterparts the Geordies, these New South Welshmen are a passionate bunch. Paul Collingwood tries hard to hide his past, he refers to his place of birth as being Shotley Bridge, County Durham but this column can reveal that he is - oh this is so embarrassing - a Mackem! The folk of the Australian Newcastle won't be able to understand how Collingwood gets in the team and that good old Geordie boy Steve Harmison doesn't. That's what happens when you let trivial things like talent, commitment and desire influence team selection.


Number Three - Make the addicts suffer

All's fair in love and war and it's time to hit the English where it hurts. Removal of the mirror from the English dressing room would stop Kevin Pietersen seeing the thing he loves looking at most! He could well get timed out as he searches for a teaspoon shiny enough to allow him to see his reflection. The Aussies should look at banning all 3G devices from the ground and the team's hotel. If Graeme Swann doesn't get his Twitter fix and get his tweets out he'll not get any turn because he'll be shaking with withdrawail so much that he won't be able to hold the ball!


Number Two - Change the skipper

It's something that the Aussies are considering and you can understand why. Ricky Ponting is a real gentleman, a fantastic batsman, great ambassador for the sport and is respected throughout the world - not the kind of guy that you would associate with Australian cricket, so in order to kill two emus with one boomerang the selectors should turn to a player who is semi-retired (less so than Shane Warne) but typifies the world's perception of an Aussie cricketer: Andrew Symonds. It's such a pity that Jesse Ryder was born the other side of the Tasman!


And Finally...

Number One - A return to their roots!

If all else fails why don't the Aussies just do what their forefathers did best - steal the Ashes! Seriously, that's their deportment - oops, department - and probably why the MCC won't allow the little urn to leave our shores.

* A little note to all our Australian readers - we're only kidding. It's just that we're not used to watching you in disarray but if you still think you can rub our noses in it there is 6.4 available on an Australian series win.


By Frank Gregan

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