hands up who thinks whoopi needs help

Yes they are.

Monica Monica

The Betfair In-play monkey must have a broken finger.

intermittent issues through day --pakenham especially

An anonymous poet wrote: 'If you can start the day without caffeine; if you can get going without pep pills; if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains; if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles; if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it; if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time; if you can forgive a friend's lack of consideration; if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you, when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong; if you can take criticism and blame without resentment; if you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him; if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend; if you can face the world without lies and deceit; if you can conquer tension without medical help; if you can relax without liquor; if you can sleep without the aid of drugs; if you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed or colour, religion or politics; then, my friend, you're almost as good as your dog.'

Monica Monica

My wife now hides the soft drink from me.

My name is Whoopi and I'm a soft drinkaholic.

Kevin, is that you Kevin?

We feel that we have to buy a "Rocky Mountain" tumbler.

Monica Monica

I just received something in the mail regarding The Rocky Mountaineer

Does the Rocky Mountaineer have a Rocky Mountain tumbler?

Kevin, is that you Kevin?

Maybe.

Betfair tried to call me today. I wonder if I am in trouble.

They only call if you are in trouble when they deal with me.

They now suspend my account so I have to call them back.

Monica Monica

If you haven't been dealing in Turnover charge markets you don't have to worry.

Their Turnover charge report is issued on a Wednesday and they call all the naughty people on a Thursday.

I have but didnt they recently increase the number of markets to a number which would be unlikely or even impossible for anyone to even reach?

That was window dressing. They only care if your turnover charge exceeds the commission they are taking off you (they don't count premium charge).

It doesn't matter if you were involved in 10 markets or 1000.....the report lists the people that are costing them money.

I had to abandon my usual way of operating and completely start again using a new modus operandi.

Then again if you were recently assigned an account manager they ring up to pretend to be your mate. It could just be that.

I was a while ago but I have never spoke to him.
I guess if they learned what voicemail does I might know further.

There is that "successful punter series" they're running.

Could Joel be the next installment?

I wonder how much they will pay me for that.

Rosie doesn't like storms.

Rosie is bringing back da dredge.

I get so emotional baby.

Monica Monica

No Married at First Sight tonight due to the mother father cricket.

We all HATE cricket.

Kevin, is that you Kevin?

Cricket is the greatest summer sport in the world. 

I'm sure Anthony is watching.

You have obviously been paid to write that.

You are also writing with pharmacy assistance.


Monica Monica

I have no evidence to support either of those statements so they must be true.

Monica Monica

Today is a day of mourning for the passing of the great George "The Animal" Steele.

Tonight, I wanna give it all to you, in the darkness, there's so much I wanna do.




Monica Monica

I've been for a walk on a winter's day.


Kevin, is that you Kevin?

Dave Carlson is eating on air.

He doesn't think he's annoying enough without smacking his lips while talking about greyhounds?

Unprofessional glutton can't wait until his shift finishes to stuff his face.

Kevin, is that you Kevin?

What's he eating?

The workers united will never be defeated.

Of course the reality is that the workers are never united and always are defeated.


Kevin, is that you Kevin?

K

Y

Take it right into the danger zone.

C

Y

O

L

F

Message to my loyal follower Malcolm Turnbull.

When you were Malcolm Turnbull you were very popular.

Now that you're doing your best to not be Malcolm Turnbull you are very unpopular.

Take the advice of ex Senator Baldy Man.......It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

You are welcome.

Monica Monica

Message to my loyal follower Dogsy Dolan.

It's "One fell swoop"

NOT

"One foul swoop"

You are welcome.

I believe he said One fowl swoop and was referring to a chicken

Perhaps-

'One foul soup---'

He was referring to his lunch

Stassi is looking rather nice today.


Stassi is bringing back da dredge

Terrible day in Malta today .

One of the world's great natural wonders has collapsed.

Prime Minister Muscat broke the news on Twitter, saying: “I have just been informed that the beautiful Tieqa tad-Dwejra in has collapsed.” (more commonly known as the Azzure Window)

Destroyed by a raging ocean.

The end is near

Terry Bailey, he can't help himself.

He decides what's gonna happen and says it whether it happens or not.

This is why Matt Hill will be the new number 1 caller in Vic.

Does he want to be?

I think he's the fav. for the job.

His "other sports" career seems stagnant and he has been calling a lot more regularly lately.

True, but I thought he was down here to call AFL which hasnt started yet.

The Vic number 1 gets to call the Cups (the real ones) and the Cox Plate. That's a big temptation for a racecaller.

He can still call AFL on Sundays

The Boort Cup would be a big temptation if he sticks with the trots.

I don't understand why if Barry Manilow is gay he would want Mandy to kiss him and stop him from shaking.

It doesn't make sense to us

Monica Monica

It does explain why he sent her away after she came in and gave without taking.

Kevin, is that you Kevin?

A little known fact is that the original lyric was Matty.

That explains the "gave without taking" remark.

There will be a protest at Tamworth.

It will be upheld.

That is all

Move along.

Anythony, is that you Anthony?

This is why we should have stewards only protests.

20 minutes wasted with jockeys, trainers and owners talking rubbish for a decision a blind monkey could make.

Kevin, is that you Kevin?

Unlike Mr. Manton my judgement isn't clouded by frigidity issues.

Frigidity isn't bringing back da dredge

"You pick up your stuff, you move somewhere else" says the undiagnosed Assperger's man incapable of forming emotional attachments to other humans.

Sandown racing, it's the same every time. They all keep their places for the whole race.

It's a sh1t bow.

Monica Monica

Another day of no racing in NSW due to catastrophic weather.

Te end is near.

Monica Monica

And the end is near also

My eyes are gettin' weary. my back is gettin' tight.
I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough bridge tonight.

Monica Monica

You shouldnt really be typing while driving.

They will run at Rosehill unless the track is a swimming pool.

Safety only matters when there isn't a sh1tload of money on offer.

Monica Monica

Lucky it's not at Kembla.

https://t.co/czsK3QLvS7

They'd still run on that at Rosehill.

It's heavy but safe

The fellow singing Jesse's girl.

He isn't a very good friend in our opinion.

Indefinite delay Eastern Standard Time at Menangle due to a weather induced power catastrophe.

The end is near.

Bullsh1t Slipper will be won by the jockey lucky enough to find a fast lane amongst the swampy marsh.

Monica Monica

But I don't care 'cause all I wanna do is cash my cheque and drive right home to you.

No talking, just looking, watching your love action.

Doo Doo Doo Doo dOO Doo do do do . Doo Doo Do do do


Monica Monica

Grafton off.

Kembla off.

Rosehill..........running.....what a surprise Muriel.

Monica Monica

Perhaps it has better drainage than those provincial venues.

Undoubtedly it does.

Do you believe they would be running a mid winter raceday on today's track?

Kevin, is that you Kevin?

This year's Slipper winner will have the following next to it's name :

* Jockey was lucky enough to find the fast lane first.

This is my decree.

Monica Monica

It will also, by decree , have the following after it's name:

** Race run on track not fit for racing.

and

*** Race only run due to race club and jockey greed disregarding any safety concerns.

Make it so.

Protest due to inside horse trying to avoid slow lane and outside horse trying to keep it there.

Chook lotto racing.

Track looked O.K. then.

Maybe I was wr.....

Monica Monica

Run the slipper again on a track without fast lanes........like the Gold Coast.

Sydney is a **** bow.

It doesn't deserve a big race.

Nothing wrong with the track

Joel, you are right 99.99% of the time.

This is the 0.01 time.

The track has lanes.

The city no longer has a climate suitable for horse racing.

It's a **** bow.

That is all.

Monica Monica

That's why LOVE-JOY'S strategy was a very sound one.

You can't predict which horse will hit the fast lane.

We feel bad about saying Joel was wrong.

It's like saying Santa isn't real.

We apologise.

It's OK.

I gotta get me a BoomTouch!

Monica Monica

It's Maravu not Mavaru

He says Mavaru every time.

It's quite annoying.

It's always good to receive a Monday morning call from your friendly Betfair account manager.

Kevin, is that you Kevin?

What did he want? To give you tickets to something?

Nah. Just to tell me about the new "product".

Anything interesting?

In running on all NZ racing and trialling on some NZ Harness as well.

OK

Jason Taylor goooooooone!!!!

Now I can start supporting and stop death riding the Tigers.

Bring Robbie back!!

I leave you with this

Betfair is just like gold mining.

You need to wash the dirt to leave the gold in the sluice box.

I'm bringing back da dredge